Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

"I've seen how you neglect your daughter and it's made me fall out of love with you."

@ChiliFiend s post in spades!

If pressed discuss how you would like children (if thats true) but you realised you can't /dont want to have them with him because you've seen what kind of father he will be.
Be clear the relationship is over.

Note:you may think you dont want children but actually you were just never with someone who would be a decent father. You may also just not want kids!

His comment was very calculated and manipulative. He will double down and wont let you go easy. Be prepared (documents etc) and hold firm

You can change it by hitting the other button instead.

Damn I hit you are being unreasonable as I went to scroll through. You are def NOT being unreasonable.

I feel so sorry for his dd, it's tough growing up with parents who put their own needs first.

What an utterly pathetic, manipulative arsehole he is! I'm utterly baffled that he really believes that you have more responsibility for caring for his daughter than he does. He's been really lucky up until now that his daughter is so lovely that you have put up with his selfish and lazy behaviour for so long in order to protect your step-daughter.

There is no way that he will step up and be a proper father to his daughter but that doesn't mean you need to stay for your step-daughter's sake.

Life with this man is unbearable and you need to end the relationship and leave as soon as is practically possible.

This man is a hypocrite, he is no better than the stepdad he complains about.
He will not change, you are a Doctor with the strong possibility of career progression. It's his child, and you are lovely to her, but she has a Mother snd a Father they need to parent.
He does not put his child first, taking her to the gym for 3 hours, and then going back for another 2 is selfish and all about him, her needs are secondary to his wants.
You are highly proffesional woman, he does not respect that, in fact he resents lt.
In all your posts all I have read is me, me, me. Its all about him. You earn your own money, you are a Doctor, and financially stable. You need to think carefully what it will be like down the line especially if you have a child with him. I agree with your sister, and I would leave this man.
I also think because of your career, your financial stability, he will find it difficult to manipulate you. He may whine, like when he said 'I have never felt so alone', and he may try other things like guilt trips. He is just upset you are a proffesional woman who can stand up to him.
I feel sorry for this little girl, but you cannot let the situation with her useless parents ruin your life.
I wish you well whatever you decide.

Awful, she loses out

Yeah he will want you to get back in your box.

Yup

I’m surprised the gym lets a child hang around.

what an arsehole he is

I think this man is intimidated by your accomplishments and is trying to put you in your place by offloading all the caring responsibilities to you. It's outrageous that he's such a lazy, uninvolved parent that he pouts about doing the bare minimum for his own child.

It's awful for this little girl but you have done your best by her and it's her parents responsibility to step up, not yours. Don't allow yourself to be guilted.

Never felt so alone? Well funny that, as that’s exactly how you’ve felt every evening that he buggers off to the gym every evening leaving you with his DD. I wouldn’t even be giving this guy a chance to change, do NOT have any DC with him as he is showing you what kind of parent he is. Absolutely disgusting the way he is trying to turn this on you. As other ladies have said, classic DARVO.

This man angers me so much, and i’ve been there in a relationship with someone who wasn’t the father of my DS and no way i’d be palming off my child like this every night. You know he will move onto another woman in weeks too who will end up doing the same. Good luck OP. You don’t deserve a life like this. Poor little girl. My heart goes out to her thinking of her sitting in the gym like a spare part.

He's trying to guilt trip you. Shame on him.

You sound wise enough not to stand for this nonsense.

The bit about the gym reminds me of a man I saw in the gym with his daughter. It looked like he was with his GF, who wasn't the mother of the child and he was lecturing his daughter and making her do exercises.

She looked so miserable. He was talking at her, she was around 8/9 years old.. he told her what to do and would walk away. It was so sad.

This was looking like his custody time with her.. and he was not spending quality time with her.

In a way it's good that he is flag-bearing all his true colours for you to see. I was expecting him to nod along and make the right noises, and hoover you back in by pretending to change. It would always have reverted back to you doing everything, but seeing what could be makes it harder to leave. Best of luck OP. He is not going to make it easy.

This. X

This is perfection and a hard truth ...he should be so embarrassed...yet he is a lazy Dad and a hardworking manipulator

What a pissy little slug of a man

The you can't opt out bit
I take it he doesn't get irony!!

I also love @ChiliFiend’s response, but would also throw in that you are not her parent or her nanny, and he needs to grow the fuck up.

Children like that little girl would have been better adopted or a long term fostering.
Neither parents could care less.

It is not on the OP to raise this child and be used.

Is this guy in a relationship with you and his daughter or his darling Gym?

I'm struggling here.

He's feeling alone as a weekend of you being away means he's had to spend more time with his daughter than his true love. He's been missing his true love and not being able to give Gym his full attention.

He resents you for taking away time away from Gym. He loves Gym more than you. He spends all his quality time with Gym. He doesn't spend it with you or his daughter.

It's no better than being in a relationship with another woman.

DP has sent me a message basically saying that we “need” to agree a “structure” routine of who will look after DSD. He said he needs to continue his training “job”, and we need to work around that.
I’ve replied saying I can’t offer structured childcare.
His reply “this is our family, you can’t opt out”

This is code for, "You have to do this. This is what you signed up for." He explicitly said you can't opt out in his head.

He's a divorced Dad with a daughter to care for. He makes it clear that everything has to fit around Gym not his daughter. That's a hard no. That's no ok.

This isn't even about whether you provide care. It's about how his priority in life isn't his daughter or you. It's about how you are secondary to the gym and he takes zero responsibility for her.

As previous poster said it's neglect. He's neglecting her and he's neglecting you.

You get nothing from this relationship from what I can see. You'd be better off adopting the daughter because at least then you could go to bed without chompy mcchompface coming in at silly o'clock to eat dinner in bed.

He gets sex and childcare from the relationship. Win! You get emotional abuse for not looking after his daughter, a lack of sleep and no free weekends. Lose!

Seriously. What does he offer to the family? What does he offer to you as a partner? It can't be much if he's not even there at the same time as you apart from to sleep!

Need to agree a structure? Yep fab. It ain't going to be you picking up the pieces from Mummy and Daddy though. I'd actually get him to write down which hours in the week he thinks you are expected to provide childcare care, which hours his ex provides it and which hours he provides. And then laugh at it.

Ultimately his daughter, as much as she might love you - wants to spend time with her daddy and have her daddy's attention. When does he even give her the opportunity to do this?

His daughter is nothing but a nuisance his lifestyle and it shows. That's serious ICK territory and yep marriage ending stuff. Mainly because you don't actually have a marriage. He has a childcare arrangement and Gym.

Having the nerve to talk about having another baby with you in this arrangement? You may as well get a sperm donor! Do you want a child to grow up with a dad like this? A donor would preferable because it's be without the guilt tripping, you'd have more freedom over your own life and you don't have his arsewipe role model to shape the kids perspective.

Even after this weekend he's not worked out that you don't HAVE to do anything and instead he's just abusing you for it. That's seriously not cool. He is trying to force you back in line with a straight face and no self reflection.

Time to seriously rethink what you get from this relationship.

You'd be better divorcing and offering paid childcare.

Says the man who fucks off at every possible opportunity, leaving his wife sitting alone at home.

To look after HIS child, while he pushes off to the gym for some “me time”.

Fuck that for a lark.

@ChiliFiend’s response is perfect because it puts the blame irrefutably on him for the breakdown of this marriage.

OP, I would strongly advise you to gather anything of importance to you tomorrow, particularly paperwork, a bag of clothes, any sentimental bits all in the boot of your car tomorrow.

As you talk to him, make sure you have the keys to the car and your phone on you.

He really is a bad man.
They can be unpredictable.

Make sure you can exit the house safely.
Expect him to really try to manipulate you.

He will absolutely not wish to loser his childcare.
He's a gym owner?
Hardly senior to a doctor in academic terms?
Perhaps a bit financially at this point, but certainly not senior to you in any way that people seriously value IMO.

He's a self absorbed prick!

I don’t usually spell stuff like this out, but you seem to have been saddled with a very manipulative narcissist. He is going to continue to weaponise your feelings for his daughter when he realises that you have pulled away from him - anything to make leaving as difficult as possible. I’m going to be blunt and also spell out that you shouldn’t be surprised if he finds someone else to fill your shoes ASAP. He will lovebomb someone vulnerable. They will have a whirlwind romance full of hearts and flowers (making you feel like you weren’t good enough to inspire that kind of treatment) and then she will move in and become the Instananny, sharing photos of her amazing “family” to try and fill the void that her real life has become. My advice is to leave and block.