Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

How absolutely awful. I’m sorry you lost your friend at the hands of a violent man.

Roid rage should always be a consideration with extreme gym bros.

Just want to echo what pps have said about being really careful now. My friend was murdered by her partner after she told him she was leaving. He was gym obsessed too. Never any signs of violence previously, but when he realised he couldn’t change her mind, he used his strength against her. He was a narcissist too.

Her spending a lot of the weekend at the gym is so selfish . He cant be watching her .Does she get food/drinks. No wonder she has a cold today.
What an awful way to treat his child. One he doesnt even have full time. No excuse for being so lazy.
You do sound like you have been a lovely step mum . But he has obviously taken advantage of that

Probably caught it at the gym, poor kid.

Goodness who is the child here! He’s a selfish lazy manchild I’m afraid … you’ve been amazing considering you work in gastro as a medic, such a busy job! And I’m not being funny but 5 hours in the gym 😱 … I’d assume it’s the easy option for him rather than being a parent / husband

Oh yes, take half of any joint account.
Screenshot the accounts and the utility metres.
This is the time to get ahead while you can.

Hopefully as a short marriage it will be a clean break.
You can do this.

I never realised how angry I could feel on behalf of a complete stranger. He's so awful. 😡

I feel sorry for granny.

Granny is going to get dumped on again after thinking she's got her life back and going to have to have the same conversation with him as OP.

I do think the OP should give heads up to Granny at some point during divorce proceedings over why she is dumping manbaby and how he neglects his daughter.

The truth is, that even if they did all the child care she nor granny aren't a substitute for Daddy and this will effect the daughter in time. It's emotional neglect.

He is an emotionally abusive husband and an emotionally neglectful father.

I don’t see how you can do anything except divorce him. He’s completely taken advantage. I’m sorry, you deserve more than this. As does his little daughter.

You’ve got to start getting your ducks in a row now. I suspect he will turn nasty. He seems very entitled anyway but there’s nobody more outraged in a divorce than a man who is losing his life of convenience. Good luck.

Why on earth would you be need to take a day off work to look after his child??? You both have a career. Give your head a wobble .
We have children together and if one is ill - we have a conversation about both our days to decide who would be least affected by taking a carers day off. Difficult conversations. It doesn’t even seem like you do this ?

He is such a self important prick

I think he groomed you bit by bit by gaslighting.

Surely DH will take the day off to care for his daughter.

Not really your problem why should you miss work because she's off school your husband can be off work to look after her. Now you're acting the martyr here

Well I suppose he's at least making it clear that you only have one option here!

@seasonofthebitch I’m a bit confused when you say he is senior to you and doesn’t like you being a medic. Surely he knew what your career path would be when you got married? Do you not mean senior in the sense of a senior medic? If my assumption is correct, and he is a medic senior to you in the same hospital, are you worried that he will make life at work difficult for you when you start the divorce process? He’s got some cheek expecting you to be the default parent because he doesn’t intend to do any parenting of his own child himself, ever. Thank goodness you have not had a child with him.

Anyway, you are right to stand your ground now the scales have fallen from your eyes as to his behaviour. I would tell him to employ a good long-term nanny immediately as he will find it is cheaper in the long run and may well do his daughter less harm than a series of girl-friends or wives who he uses as nannies/housekeepers.

Well done for reaching this point and I join all the other posters who are wishing you luck with the next steps. They will be hard but it will be SO worth it for you.

My only suggestion — and you sound like the sort of person who does this anyway, though I’ve not read it in your posts — is that you regularly and often tell DSD words that ‘it isn’t your fault that the adults in your life can’t focus on you.’ The ego-centric nature of kids means they always believe they cause the behaviour of the adults in their lives. She will also benefit from you recognising and naming the feelings she will be trying to hide, and won’t benefit from anything directly negative about either birth parent. So things like:
— I can see you’re a bit sad Daddy has gone to the gym. He does really love you, but he gets a bit distracted sometimes, doesn’t he?!’
— I think I’d be quite cross that Mummy got me up at 5am to get here so early, you must be exhausted! Mummy does love you loads, I know, but this weekend she had to rush a bit.
They are only two examples but you get the idea: name the negative feeling she is likely trying to hide, tell her the parent really loves her, and then give a reason that is neutral. I can’t stress how much this will help because eventually you are going to be saying:
— I know you are sad that I can’t be with Daddy any more and so I can’t live with you any more. I know this because I’m so sad too, living with you is so wonderful. I love you so much and always will, and my not living with daddy will never change that. You are brilliant and wonderful and so worth all the love in the world!!
All the best for the divorce proceedings — you are also brilliant and wonderful and so worth all the love in the world too.

What a prick

I’m so happy to read that the scales have fallen from your eyes. I am placing a bet that when he realises that you mean it about divorcing, he will play the startled, wronged victim, ‘you’ve changed’ etc. Agree with a previous poster that you should alert school, to support DSD.

Wow, OP, he is an utterly self-obsessed prick. Your life will be so much better when he's not in it.

I can't believe the entitlement of the man. And I feel sorry for his daughter, and whichever poor woman he latches onto next.

Amazing that you would be the one normally to take time off because HIS daughter is sick.

Selfish selfish man. You are so better off out of this. I really feel for that little girl, but you can’t be responsible for her @seasonofthebitch

Do you have joint accounts? Make sure that you have separate money. Men like this can get very nasty once they realise what's happening. This may include wiping out joint accounts etc. Screenshot everything before you go on to have the conversation.
Make sure you're not sharing photos BTW in apple family or similar. Change your passwords on your email and sign out of any family ipads.
This may sound paranoid but you need to protect yourself. Worst case it's not needed

He felt alone when he looked after her for one weekend?! Did he realise the irony as you were single handedly looking after her everyday?!

His idea of being a father is to find a woman that will take care of her.

then try with the guilt trip & emotional blackmail if he is pulled up on his lack of parenting

what a shame for this young girl

@99bottlesofkombucha you're right, he'll say the divorce came out of nowhere, everything in his marriage was great until the Op went away for the weekend then she changed. Men like him never notice their wives discontent until it's too late

The more you write about this man the worse he sounds. He told you he's never felt more alone in a relationship because you weren't there, for one weekend, to look after his child for him? He wouldn't say that if he'd ever stopped for a moment to consider how you might feel when he's out out the gym most nights.

And now he's acting the martyr? He is so entitled he has no idea how pissed off you are. Does he think it he makes his dissatisfaction with your performance as his "everything" support you'll step back into line?

You are not fully human to him, you are currently a malfunctioning appliance causing him great inconvenience. I'm so glad you have decided this relationship can't continue.