Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

Wait, why would you take off work to look after someone else’s child anyway? That is truly bonkers. You’re a registrar! You have actual important responsibilities and patients who rely on you. He’s what, a personal trainer? Fitness influencer or something? 😂 Not an important job at all. I wouldn’t take off work in those circumstances to look after MY OWN CHILD. Dh would do it. His job makes more money, but isn’t as important as mine. Stand firm. This poor child needs her parents and it sounds like she will never get them unless they are forced to step up to the plate.

Hope your with your work team op and see how normal and every day they are, looking through a window today realising you have to make changes now, the weekend confirmed your feeling op,
Yes you are a family never let him use that against you, you made a home for a little one to feel safe and wanted, you gave her stability op that's being a great stepmum but your not her parent that's the difference, don't let him mix them up,
Good luck tonight op

What an absolute shit he is. His poor DD.

I'm glad you have found your anger OP as he's been taking you for an absolute mug.

Even if he realises you are serious and promises to change - don't believe him. Deep down he is a lazy misogynist as well as a shitty father and that will never change.

Any time he talks about family or feeling alone in the relationship I'd just want to laugh tbh. Does he hear himself?! What a joke.

He will never get it, OP - he genuinely thinks you're the one in the wrong and no discussion is ever going to change his mind or his behaviour. Don't believe him for a second if he ever claims he'll change.

You are great OP! Great you can see whats happening and still holding it together trying to stay calm. Sending hugs and strength to get through.

Poor kid! I’d be sorely tempted to take her with me, but obviously you can’t. What an oxymoron - so tired the poor lamb can’t pull the bath plug, but enough energy to spend multiple hours in the gym!

I would get your finances sorted and go OP, you’ve tried your best but the other party need to at least be pulling the same rope.

That poor girl. I'd be worried about her safety in a gym, as well. It's completely shit that her parents seem to refuse to parent her.

Good for you, seeing the light and getting away from this piece of shit man. As pp have said though, do be careful. Leaving is the most dangerous time in a relationship like this one.

Obviously he doesn't deserve you and you're right to leave him. But his poor daughter doesn't win here, in any situation (even you staying with her excuse of a father).

He needs to actually accept he's a parent at some point.

What an absolute disgrace. He sounds fucking terrible op. Feel so sorry for you and his girl. He needs a good serious talking to, perhaps a social worker or mediation service for the girl and for him and his ex to be parents to their child

I think you’ve made the right decision here. How he treats his DD and puts himself first shows that fundamentally his priorities and values are not what you want in a partner. To be so self absorbed that he can’t take steps to properly parent his child is desperately sad for her.

I too counsel you to be careful. The man is extremely narcissistic, he will NOT respond to you divorcing him like a normal decent person would. We all tend to think people are like us. But this man is NOT like you, he is another beast entirely.

He will likely switch between three channels: Self-pity, Charm, and Rage. He'll start first with Self-pity - you saw that this morning and last night. When he realises you're done with the relationship, he'll switch to the Charm channel. He's used to these approaches working on you. When he starts to fathom that you're serious, the Rage channel will come into play, and he will start flicking between the three channels with increasing rapidity because he'll be trying to see which best hits your buttons. Recognise those buttons in you, because they are the buttons that got you into this situation in the first place. IE compassion, sense of responsibility, kindness, attraction to his good looks, attraction to his sexual interest in you, attraction to his charming persona*, worry for DSD, sense of decency, care for others.

His flicking through the rage, self-pity, and charm channels will be very confusing to you. This is also part of the narcissist's strategy: to confuse their target into staying still so they can work on them more, make them doubt themselves, wear them down. Be prepared for all of this. Also, be prepared for the hurtful Rage channel to shift into violence or threatened violence, including - possibly - against himself: he'll see if he can intimidate you like that as well.

*That charm is merely a pretty mask. It doesn't reflect the real (exploitative, scary, and creepy) him.

Another point I would like to make is with regard to DSD. You're going to have to steel yourself to likely never seeing her again after you leave, and for her (and you compassion) to be used as a weapon against you by him. If he sees you want her in your life, he WILL use this against you. 100% he will use this. He could very well tell the poor kid that you're leaving because you don't like her, to hurt you and to coerce you to stay. You HAVE to be prepared for this. You have NO legal rights on that child, sadly you cannot do anything to help her and you can't let your compassion and love for her keep you trapped with this vile man.

If you want to have her in your life after the divorce, you could see - after the divorce - if you can see her when she's at her grandmother's. Or you can try with the mother. But it might be best for her if you just end things cleanly so DSD is dragged into things as little as possible.

I am quoting this @seasonofthebitch because the practical advice is excellent.

My gym doesn't even let under 16s in - I thought that was the general policy of most of them.

Poor kid. Good on her stepmum for getting shot of the useless 'father' - although god knows no woman in her right mind would deliberately have kids of her own with this waste of space - but it's still sad for the kid that she's losing what sounds like the one decent, caring adult in her life.

What does the child do at the gym for 2-3 hours?

Having read some other posters it’s probably best to keep your powder keg dry for a couple of days whilst sorting out documents etc whilst he is in the gym. Fine to say about things changing but don’t mention divorce until your ducks are in a row and you are ready to hit the button @seasonofthebitch

just to copy what a poster up thread said, in case it got missed it was a great point.
the start of all this was you telling him you were tired from all the parenting, and he dismissed you with (something like) ‘suck it up buttercup, this is life’
I would be inclined to mirror his exact words back to them, if you feel it was poignant enough to have both remembered them. And point out it’s actually his child.

Or just in one sentence: "I've seen how you neglect your daughter and I don't want that for my own children"

Oh dear. Someone is getting his arse handed to him tonight. Totally and utterly deserved. You sound lovely and intelligent OP. You deserve sooooo much better. I hope you never look back.

I’m sorry lovely, but he has done such a number on you. It is not on you to stay off work with HIS daughter. It is to him to do that. You have patients-he has weights to lift. You must be able to see which is more important there.

Two words that encapsulate your husband.

Weaponized Incompetence.

100% he will suggest you still have decent contact with dsd... To lighten his load not for dsd benefit.. It's hard but when me and exh divorced he had a clean break from my dc.... Yes it was hard but no way was he staying in our lives.

I would add to the ‘I’ve seen how you neglect your daughter and it’s made me fall out of love with you.’
with ‘Also, as I would like children one day, I don’t want my child to have you as her father, so our relationship has no progression.’

Unfortunately violent rage should always be considered when leaving any man, especially one who thinks he should be in control of you and is about to lose that.

To add to my get ready first/greyrock advice, before you tell him it is over I would secretly get anything important or irreplaceable out of the house first, assuming it isn’t practical to get everything out one day whilst he was out. Passports, certificates, bank details, anything with sentimental value, any medicine you take. Presumably you are studying towards consultant - your books and study notes. Take it to work or to a sympathetic friend. At least a few clothes/toiletries so you can walk straight out a door

It is quite remarkable what can get “misplaced” or “accidentally damaged” by an angry man.

@seasonofthebitch I'm so sorry that he's turned out to be such a selfish twat, but I think you are doing the right thing. You need to leave - he's not the kind of person you want to spend your life with. If he can't even be bothered to look after his own child, then he's not someone that you can count on to have your back if things are tough.

Get your important documents together - birth cert, marriage cert, passport, any paper copies of mortgage statements and for joint savings or investments (if you have any with him).

If you have a joint account with him, then take half of any balance out, and move any direct debits or standing orders of yours. If you have a standing order set up to move money into this account every month, then cancel it.

If your salary is paid into a joint account then notify the HR/admin team at work and get this changed so it's paid into your own account. If he is currently your nominated beneficiary, get your death in service, pension and life insurance beneficiaries changed. Same with your will.

Likewise if you own the house jointly with him and there's a mortgage, then notify the mortgage lender that you are separating and ask them to flag the account in case he requests any additional borrowing.

As soon as you tell him you are leaving, get the joint account closed. Most banks will hold you jointly and severally liable (meaning that if he puts it into overdraft and refuses to pay, then they'll chase you for the debt and mark your credit). It's important you break any immediate financial links with him as soon as you can.

If there's anyone at work that you get on with and who is divorced, it's worth asking them which solicitor they used and whether they were happy with the service. Same with any friends or family. It might also be worth posting in the divorce/separation board on MN and giving your approx. location, as other posters may be able to recommend a solicitor for you.

Good luck.