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AIBU?

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Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

839 replies

seasonofthebitch · 18/01/2026 16:18

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

OP posts:
disappearingfish · 19/01/2026 11:48

I also support you leaving OP, and raising a safeguarding concern for the child. The balance between not abandoning her and extracting yourself cleanly from your H’s life is going to be a difficult balance but at the end of the day she has parents and grandparents who have much greater responsibility than you. All the best.

ranchdressing · 19/01/2026 11:43

Don't make it about what he has or hasn't done, that can be argued and denied and he can change the narrative. Make it about WHO he is, or how you see him (which is not good enough to have in your life).

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/01/2026 11:42

Presumably she has spent most of the weekend sitting on a freezing gym floor with a tablet assuming he's remembered to bring her coat, ensure she is warm and well fed at any point.

You should file for divorce, and lodge a safeguarding report. That poor child. You must be gutted as to how this is going to play out for her.

Pomegranatepom · 19/01/2026 11:38

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Elboob · 19/01/2026 11:37

lizziedripping98 · 19/01/2026 11:09

"Oh woe is me i have to parent my oen child" He sounds utterly pathetic OP & you sound far, far too lovely to be with someone as selfish as he is. Whenever he complains just tell him he had no issue having you do it so why is it now only hard work when HE does it? If thought nothing of it when it was you doing it.
Does dsd mum know how utterly usess he is?

this
Why was it okay for the woman to do but he is exhausted?

Elboob · 19/01/2026 11:35

@Cherrytree86 I know - it is a virus - 3 day incubation. But her immune system is going to be worn down

Cherrytree86 · 19/01/2026 11:25

Elboob · 19/01/2026 11:03

Wow - I wonder how that poor little girl caught a cold? Being woken up at 5 or 6 am then dragged round a gym all weekend maybe?

HE is raging and tired after ONE weekend with his child!

Feels alone (WITH HIS CHILD) but leaves you alone every night

Has you thinking YOU need to take the time off to look after her (how did you get into this mindset?) - you have patients inconvenienced while he has exercise classes?

The mysogeny and gaslighting and manipulation are so strong here.

It's going to be hard but I am glad you are seeing your way out of this

@Elboob

thats not how colds work.

Ginnyweasleyswand · 19/01/2026 11:12

LilacReader · 19/01/2026 10:58

I think I would put a small note in your DSD's bag when you drop her off at school. She may not want to talk to you but you definitely need to make her aware what he's like and what DSD's life will be like when you're not there. Then it's her decision what she does and you're not going to worry.

You can also leave your contact with the school safeguarding lead and authorise them to pass on to DSD's Mum explaining that you want to do what's in DSD's best interests. I would use official routes, personally. (and only once you've left him)

lizziedripping98 · 19/01/2026 11:09

"Oh woe is me i have to parent my oen child" He sounds utterly pathetic OP & you sound far, far too lovely to be with someone as selfish as he is. Whenever he complains just tell him he had no issue having you do it so why is it now only hard work when HE does it? If thought nothing of it when it was you doing it.
Does dsd mum know how utterly usess he is?

lola006 · 19/01/2026 11:08

Another commenter thread mentions he may use charm to pull you back in. For one, please don’t fall for that if/when he uses it and two, consider ensuring your birth control is up to date/working/you’re on it/whatever. If you give in or try to make things work he may try to trap you with a pregnancy. Obviously I (and everyone else here, I’m sure!) would hope it wouldn’t come to that but if you give it one more shot and there’s sex involved, it could happen.

Elboob · 19/01/2026 11:03

Wow - I wonder how that poor little girl caught a cold? Being woken up at 5 or 6 am then dragged round a gym all weekend maybe?

HE is raging and tired after ONE weekend with his child!

Feels alone (WITH HIS CHILD) but leaves you alone every night

Has you thinking YOU need to take the time off to look after her (how did you get into this mindset?) - you have patients inconvenienced while he has exercise classes?

The mysogeny and gaslighting and manipulation are so strong here.

It's going to be hard but I am glad you are seeing your way out of this

LilacReader · 19/01/2026 10:58

seasonofthebitch · 18/01/2026 21:04

DSD mum doesn’t/wont interact with me! I asked for her number at drop off but she said contact me through DH. Even though I think an adult looking after your child probably needs your number in case of emergency but hey ho

I think I would put a small note in your DSD's bag when you drop her off at school. She may not want to talk to you but you definitely need to make her aware what he's like and what DSD's life will be like when you're not there. Then it's her decision what she does and you're not going to worry.

Ginnyweasleyswand · 19/01/2026 10:56

MikeRafone · 19/01/2026 10:37

In your shoes I would have an exit plan, if you do decide to leave.

leave and don't go back, don't get involved with your step daughter - this will be used to pull you back in. Harsh as it might seem, it would be far better for your mental health to have a clean break.

You can deal with stuff such as the house through solicitors etc without a need to meet in person or for him to know where you live etc.

It will be better for your DSD too. Don't give him the option of emotionally abusing her as a way to manipulate you. The easiest way to do this is to remove yourself from the situation.

diddl · 19/01/2026 10:55

I think that everyone feels sorry for the little girl who has it seems two shit parents.

She's probably the reason Op hasn't left already.

But she needs to think of herself now & what she wants.

Ginnyweasleyswand · 19/01/2026 10:54

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 19/01/2026 09:39

I too counsel you to be careful. The man is extremely narcissistic, he will NOT respond to you divorcing him like a normal decent person would. We all tend to think people are like us. But this man is NOT like you, he is another beast entirely.

He will likely switch between three channels: Self-pity, Charm, and Rage. He'll start first with Self-pity - you saw that this morning and last night. When he realises you're done with the relationship, he'll switch to the Charm channel. He's used to these approaches working on you. When he starts to fathom that you're serious, the Rage channel will come into play, and he will start flicking between the three channels with increasing rapidity because he'll be trying to see which best hits your buttons. Recognise those buttons in you, because they are the buttons that got you into this situation in the first place. IE compassion, sense of responsibility, kindness, attraction to his good looks, attraction to his sexual interest in you, attraction to his charming persona*, worry for DSD, sense of decency, care for others.

His flicking through the rage, self-pity, and charm channels will be very confusing to you. This is also part of the narcissist's strategy: to confuse their target into staying still so they can work on them more, make them doubt themselves, wear them down. Be prepared for all of this. Also, be prepared for the hurtful Rage channel to shift into violence or threatened violence, including - possibly - against himself: he'll see if he can intimidate you like that as well.

*That charm is merely a pretty mask. It doesn't reflect the real (exploitative, scary, and creepy) him.

Another point I would like to make is with regard to DSD. You're going to have to steel yourself to likely never seeing her again after you leave, and for her (and you compassion) to be used as a weapon against you by him. If he sees you want her in your life, he WILL use this against you. 100% he will use this. He could very well tell the poor kid that you're leaving because you don't like her, to hurt you and to coerce you to stay. You HAVE to be prepared for this. You have NO legal rights on that child, sadly you cannot do anything to help her and you can't let your compassion and love for her keep you trapped with this vile man.

If you want to have her in your life after the divorce, you could see - after the divorce - if you can see her when she's at her grandmother's. Or you can try with the mother. But it might be best for her if you just end things cleanly so DSD is dragged into things as little as possible.

This is excellent advice but when you're ready to leave and / or have left I would say he may lie to DSD about you but you can go to her school and tell them - whilst raising your safeguarding concerns - that you love her and think she's wonderful. You can write a letter to her even to leave with her teacher - if the school thinks that's a good idea - do take their advice - so both she and the school have that to counter her father's lies.

His treatment of his daughter (as well as you) is the reason why you are leaving him- this is the truth so you can tell this to the school too.

If he then tells school staff what a bitch you are, they know it's untrue. This is a safeguarding issue in itself - if he's lying about you to his daughter in order to abuse or manipulate you that's emotional abuse of your DSD.

Explain about the long gym trips etc - all of this will be recorded on their systems and they will be aware and better able to support your DSD and ensure she is safe and well. They are really in a better position to do this than you are - alerting them is absolutely in her best interest and is really all you can do. The previous situation enabled his neglectful parenting which wasn't really in either DSDs or your best interests.

They will be able to support his DSD through your breakup and the loss of you as a positive responsible adult in her life. But in alerting them you will activate those systems in place to help children in this situation. Hopefully the mother will accept the help that will be offered.

It is also possible that the mother will be more willing to have contact with you once you've left your hopefully-soon-to-be-ex - it is possible that he treated her much the same way he's treating you now so she was wary when she anticipated you'd be on his side. However, I wouldn't worry about that until much much later on.

Good luck OP- be careful but get out. He'll try and trap you, don't get trapped.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/01/2026 10:48

its The girl I feel for. You say she is lovely and you sound the only one who loves spending time with her - yet in a court of law you have no rights and sure once divorced you won’t ever see her again

which will be very hard for her

how long have you been together @seasonofthebitch and how long married - guessing 1/3yrs tops

Shatteredallthetimelately · 19/01/2026 10:47

Do you have somewhere to go OP or will you stay put until all this is sorted?

Can't imagine it'll be a good environment for you or the DC if you tell DH how you're feeling and that the marriage will be ending.

lovecheesymash · 19/01/2026 10:44

I feel so sorry for that poor little girl. Does her father ever play with her, read to her, give cuddles and show affection to her; in fact do anything that a loving father gives his child?

MikeRafone · 19/01/2026 10:37

In your shoes I would have an exit plan, if you do decide to leave.

leave and don't go back, don't get involved with your step daughter - this will be used to pull you back in. Harsh as it might seem, it would be far better for your mental health to have a clean break.

You can deal with stuff such as the house through solicitors etc without a need to meet in person or for him to know where you live etc.

Anyahyacinth · 19/01/2026 10:34

Just to add...I wonder how she picked something up mmmm... hanging about at a gym for over 8 hours poor love ...he really only cares about himself and his Bro time

Blanketpolicy · 19/01/2026 10:31

Looks like the rest of the world, including you and his dd are simply supporting roles in his very important life with very important needs.

Has he ever considered you and his dd have needs too that are equally, if not more for his dd, important and how he can support you and her?

thestudio · 19/01/2026 10:30

You need to make the points that:

  1. You are not her mother (I know you have made this one!)

2.EVEN IF YOU WERE, why the fuck should the woman do it simply because she is a woman? it's misogynist to expect you to do any more than half the childcare/domestic work.

  1. It's not simply that he's an exploitative partner - he's a shit father, because he consistently puts his own needs (the GYM FFS!) before that of his own child.

4.His slimy, sly attempts to manipulate you by playing the victim in all this are about the most sexually repulsive and ick-inducing thing you can imagine.

I expect someone has already used this expression on the thread, and it's not nice - but it might shock him into understanding the depths of his misogynist exploitation of you - he's feeling alone because he's lost his Nanny With A Fanny.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/01/2026 10:27

seasonofthebitch · 19/01/2026 07:22

DSD has woken up with a stinking cold 😣 I might keep her off school today, see how she is after her breakfast. Her grandma knows she’s poorly and has offered to come over so I don’t need to stay off with her.

DH is slamming around, sighing, and generally acting as martyr. He’ll say he didn’t sleep at all last night which is his usual routine.

Obv daddy wouldn’t stay off work and look after his own poorly child 🙄

Thesuperlativesistillloveyou · 19/01/2026 10:26

Millymolly99 · 19/01/2026 10:25

He really has checked out of parenthood, hasn't he?

I don't think he ever checked in!

Millymolly99 · 19/01/2026 10:25

NeededANameChangeAnyway · 19/01/2026 07:24

Umm...so you don't have to stay off with her?!

He really has checked out of parenthood, hasn't he?

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