Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

Well it's handy the Ops a medic isn't it?

I am so sorry you and your DSD are in this situation with this completely self centred individual

It is hard. I was the same and now almost 2yrs split and divorce on the way

no one wants to get divorced @seasonofthebitchbut sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to 💐

Godspeed you on your way out of this relationship @seasonofthebitch

If you're looking for any kind of empathy or consideration from this sorry excuse for a man, you're going to need to get him referred to what the Americans call a proctologist. I don't know exactly how medical training works, but do you work in the same hospital at the moment and, if so, are you due for a rotation? If so, this might be an opportunity to move away.

How on EARTH does he think you feel being left alone night after night?

What a total hypocrite he is.

Please think about checking he is actually where he claims to be ...he sounds a very dodgy character

Sorry OP you've given and given ...anyone can see that ...he is utterly self centred

💐💐💐💐 I feel desperately sorry that DSD is related to this neglectful man
Imagine the genders reversed and a Mum left their child with a step Dad night after night and weekends

Good for you OP, although I can see this cretin making life difficult for a while, you will have a much better life for leaving him. He’s shown you what he is like but also fear that he is yet to show you his true colours in his entirety.
He has managed to make it all your fault and is all woe is me, from the sounds of it, probably because you haven’t slept together very recently. As someone has said, he sounds very transactional and used to getting his own way.

It’s lonely at the gym-don’t go then. Stay home with me and have a relationship with me.
I’m lonely dealing with my daughter-erm, she is company, appreciate her.
I’m lonely because you study for your necessary exams and don’t give me sex post my eating dinner in bed at 11pm
I’m so tired with the gym, work and DD-well work is your profession and brings our money in, DD is your daughter and the gym is a hobby-not a business. It’s only a business if you earn from it and you don’t

So he’s decided you’re the problem because you told him you’re unhappy.

No wonder you walked out. I don’t even know how to respond!

I'm going to ask a difficult question. I recall that the biological parents didn't plan ths pregnancy (this from your first thread ). Did they ever live as a family after the birth ? I am concerned that child will remain unwanted and as she gets older she will know. The incident with the bio mothers boyfriend is also concerning. Any decent father would have had his balls. Safeguarding indeed.

The mother doesnt want to engage with you, is she a party girl who spends all weekend on the booze (my sister was , her adult dc are still feeling the effects ) ?

My bff acts as a de facto parent to an Exs DD. Both don't want her (one's in the gym, the other drunk /high). My friend does school runs, uniform, homework. The child asked to be adopted!
I doubt any court in the land would grant you that but it would be in the child's best interests. I'd probably tell him if he doesnt want her you'll do a Matilda but without him!

he sounds deranged

His working point would be valid if he was making money from it. He’s not so that’s not the case here. So it’s a hobby. He is choosing to do it. So, void.

his getting up point would be valid if he was doing 100% of it and the other parent did nothing ever. But that’s not the case here. He’s doing 50% max as the other parent is doing the other 50%. And outside of getting up with her, her unrelated step mum and his mum do far more parenting than him. So, void.

what were his other blindingly selfish points? Oh yes.

you wearing ear plugs is because he snores and eats his dinner in bed when you’re asleep. So they’re a result of his selfishness.

he might have got the good grades you require at school to study medicine, but you can buy that with privilege, not intelligence. his emotional IQ is zero. The way he is unable to see this from your perspective or his daughters is staggeringly dim.

This is an excellent post. My value to my now-ex husband was transactional only. He was difficult about everything during the divorce. So be well prepared.

By 'lonely' does he mean 'not enough sex'?

I think you should read up on narcissists because he really presents as one.
His narrative is immovable.
He is pure DARVO.
Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender.

There is no getting through to him.
Accept it and move on.

The sex pest entitlement is textbook.
Coercive sex is rape, don't try to convince yourself otherwise.
Consistent with a deeply selfish man.
I doubt he has any bond with his child.
You have a better future ahead of you.

See if there is a room share going anywhere.
Any aggression, call the police.
Do not hesitate.

How on earth can he feel lonely, he's hardly sat at home all day on his own.

He's a consultant so probably works x amount of days a week, interacting with people. He's also self employed in running a gym business, again surely he interacts with people there.

Nothing he says makes much sense as it's all his own doing, its not as though you're forcing him out to the gym all the time.

Maybe it needs pointing out he's doing to much with being a consultant and business owner, that's all on him and he needs to have a rethink.

Does he have any partners to help with the business or does he just like the idea of using it to be away from home.

Can you stay elsewhere? - With friends, supportive colleagues, a cheap hotel or does the hospital have accommodation you can use?

Ofcourse you are strong enough. You are clearly intelligent but you are also a good person caring for a little girl that noone else seems to care for. No - you can not stay for her but you can contact* *SS when you have left.

I feel so disgusted for you having read this:
"was preoccupied with my exams but still slept with him and gave him sex when he pestered me for it."
You will be so much better off without this prick!

Is that an admission this has been going on a long time and youve stayed with him because it's scarier to leave than to stay?

These are not the words of someone who has been in love with their partner in recent months or even years.

Well why is he going to the gym then if he hates it so much.
I thibk the only way you can resolve if you actually want to is to say the gym isnt working for any of you. He has even admitted he hates it now.
Based on that revelation, and if you can see a glimmer of hope. Then i would say he needs to sell the gym business and focus on his family for the time being.
Clearly you ALL hate the gym business, so whats the point. You arent on the breadline. He has a job already.
I would say it's the gym or me.

There is a very effective treatment.

It's like when you get a gangrenous leg. You chop it off. He's the gangrenous leg in the OPs life. She chops it off so she can live.

The one weekend parenting has made him "lonely".

but still slept with him and gave him sex when he pestered me for it.

This is sexual abuse.

He sexually abused you. You only had sex under duress because he coerced you. That's not consent.

He emotionally abused you with this whole speech. Any feelings you have are invalid. He is telling you this is the way it is and you must suck it up.

I feel like I do stuff to provide a nice life for us and you don’t see it.
This is code for 'i get paid shit loads. You should be grateful'. This is bordering into financial abuse because of the emotional manipulation with it.

He isn't listening to you at all. He is right, you are wrong.

This isn't about the childcare. This is about this being a relationship where he doesn't see you as equal. You are his support human. You are secondary to his wants and demands. His daughter is a nuisance but a great little fuck trophy to show off how wonderful he is as a Dad both for his own ego and to put a show on to the world.

I have a feeling in the end this isn't going to be a hard decision to make. I also think when you talk to your sister when the divorce is all done and dusted she'll tell you what she thought of him when you married him and it's not going to be pretty. I suspect she's had the measure of him for a while and has been waiting for the penny to drop with you.

I wouldn't worry about him either. He'll get Mummy to babysit whilst he dates and have a replacement for you lined up within a year. You are disposable and are just there for the job description.

His response tells you a lot.

There's something notable in what you've said his monologue is - there's something significant missing. Not once do you mention him saying he loves you. He may have done, but you've not said it - if he did it's not registered in your response here so you clearly don't feel it. Instead all his responses are transactional in terms of usefulness to the relationship. He views his contribution as 'stuff' not love and time. He expects you to be supportive but sees your career and your exams as a nuisance to his lifestyle, therefore he doesn't need to be supportive. It's all one way traffic.

However you try and cut it the man is a massive narcissist and you can't avoid that.

Is there room for you in your relationship with his own ego? I sincerely doubt it.

Your divorce will get nasty if this is just the start. Get prepared.

So he's lonely with his DD, he's lonely with all those people in the gym and he's lonely if you do something without him like sleep.
I think the medical term for your Husband is self pitying weirdo, I'm afraid I don't know an effective treatment

He really is a piece of work isn’t he?

Just be glad you get to escape and never have to deal with him once divorced. A fabulous new life is just waiting for you @seasonofthebitch .