To go for a diagnosis for my child or not?

I would agree it is a personal matter. However, I would not have much confidence in employment law or regulation in this space remaining as it is.

Nobody would ever need to declare autism at work unless they chose to: it’s private medical history.

However, I agree an NHS diagnosis will likely be required for requests for adjustments in workplaces in future.

She sounds very much like me. I do all those things that your DD does. I'm late 50s and have been diagnosed with autism and ADHD in the last 3 years.

It's never too late to get a diagnosis. I would strongly urge you to get the process started.

Calling an autism or ADHD diagnosis a 'label' always sounds very dismissive to me. They are both very significant diagnoses. The good thing about getting an ADHD diagnosis is that there is medication that is very effective and has been around for decades (so very tried and tested). And really it is like any other diagnosis that comes with very effective treatment, getting a diagnosis and treatment is a no brainier.

Since going on ADHD meds, my anxiety is now at reasonable levels, I am far more able to get boring things done too. To be honest, the anxiety improvement is so great, it would be worth taking the meds just for this.

The meds have also stopped my impulsive eating. A lot of us ADHDers have problems with out weight because we are constantly seeking out dopamine and gorging on carbs and sugar can feel like it helps. Last week, I decided not to have any meds for a few days . 3 days in, I decide to have a slice of my mum's delicious Homemade Christmas cake, then I had another slice; then I looked at the remainder and thought I may as well tidy it away into my tummy. About half an hour later, I was absolutely shocked at myself - I'd probably just eaten 1500 calories in cake. I decided the no med experiment was ending immediately.

In addition to ADHD and autism, I also have a chronic illness (ME/CFS) which has made me too ill to work. My psychiatrist has many patients who also have this illness and she is comvinced that it is linked to neurodivergence and has also told me that the stress of living with untreated ADHD would have been a factor in me getting ill. So having a diagnosis and treatment is protective of your physical healh. Plus it is known that autism and ADHD are linked to many other signifiant health problems plus also many other types of problems such as gsmbling, crime, drug addiction, poor educatiobal outcomes, over spending and unstable careers. Oh and domestic abuse (which happened to me).

OP, I hope this long list of possible negative outcomes has convinced you to get a diagnosis or diagnoses for your DD. The disadvantage of not having a diagnosis far outweigh any disadvantage of having a diagnosis (and to be honest I have yet to come across a single disadvantage of having these diagnoses.

I have recently started having autistic shutdowns. They are trigerrd by stressful events and a bit like meltdowns except they are quiet and can last for days. When I am shutdown, I can't talk to anyone, can't eat, can't read, can't cook or do anything much apart from lie on my bed, listen to music and wait for it to pass. I had a shut down a few days ago because my GP sent me a message, telling me to book an appointment via a link except there was some kind of technical error and i couldn't book. I phoned the surgey and the receptionist said she couldn't help! Later that same day, I had an appointment witb the surgeey's pharmacist. Sbe said she would ask a colleague to sort it out and call me. Tbey didn't. After that, my shut down started and i was unable to engage with the surgery. By the time I was better, the link had expired: I had an appointment with my psychiatrist that day and told her what had happened. I also told her about my query to the GP. She said I needed an urgent appointment because it is potentially a serious problem and the GP's system did not meet my needs. She wrote to the GP that evening saying I needed an urgent appointment and explaining that the process of trying to get an appointment had caused a shutdown.

People often ask me why I bothered to get diagnoses so late in life because, they say, I have managed up until recently, The point they are missing is that I have spent something like 55 years working 10x harder than everyone else to make it look like iI was managing but I wasn't. I've got a degree but my A-Levels went tits up so I ended up doing a rather unsuitable course. I then started my career and despite working hard and being liked etc, I never once got promoted. So yes on the surface I coped by paddling like crazy and still did not fulfill my potential.

I think the school’s reaction is important. If you can get a diagnosis on the NHS then okay. A lot of mental health services like CAMHS will no longer assess for autism or ADHD due to the volume of referrals from parents
. You need to have a lot of evidence as to the significance of the impact. I would be very wary of a private diagnostic path

Have you had a look at the DSM V criteria for autism?

Some of the things you mention, e.g. hand flapping could be examples of repetitive behaviours. It's not the hand flapping specifically, it's the fact it is a repetitive behaviour. I'm autistic - I don't hand flap but I do skin pick.

Have a look at this as it explains it really well

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/16fkU94uGf/

As a late diagnosed autistic, I suffered and was medicated for anxiety for years. I tried CBT. It was only after my diagnosis I raised that the things I was anxious about (rigidity around rules for example) were due to my autism. It's helped me to massively reframe it and be kinder to myself. Likewise, I've always struggled socially and thought I was just a really unlikeable person. Again, turns out it's my autism which means I find social communication difficult.

I was always the high achiever, very well behaved etc but it didn't mean I wasn't struggling and I so wish I'd have known sooner. I can't tell you the relief at knowing why my brain worked the way it does once I was diagnosed.

They don't need to every single trait, and one size does not fit all with this. It wouldn't do her any harm to just have the assessment? If all else fails, she could get some help with her anxiety?

I have undiagnosed ADHD, and honestly my life would have been so much easier had I have known. I have developed coping techniques, and masked over the years, so I have always appeared more NT to outsiders. It has been exhausting.

Unfortunately it wasn't diagnosed back then (in my late 30s). Everything makes sense now when I see my traits in my child; I didn't know what was wrong before. It isn't anything to be ashamed off op, yes people have their quirks/a few ND traits, but ADHD is abit more than that. Diagnosis gives that bit of help to make life more manageable.

Teachers very rarely start the conversation with parents.

Who is putting her in a box with a label?
It sounds like you are rather than anyone else.

Austism takes many forms and she has some of the indicators.

Getting a diagnoisis may allow her to understand herself & her emotions better.
It may also help her identify her stressors and ways of managing them.
It may also help with extra accommodations in college and the workplace.

It's up to her what she does with the diagnosis. She make decide to just keep it to herself rather than tell anyone.
It might just help her understand herself better.

I manage someone at work with an autism diagnosis, one of the strongest members of the team in a lot of areas and due to the diagnosis I can make certain accommodations that allow them to work in a way that gets best results for both them and the organisation. I have another people who I suspect is autistic, no diagnosis that I am I aware of, so I'm limited in how I can support in the same way. I do what I can but it's much more difficult.

I think your caution does you credit OP. At 17, you may be better off giving guidance to your daughter and helping her navigate the world.

I say this because I feel it is unlikely in the coming years that autism (without a formal diagnosis via the NHS) will not be taken seriously and employers will revert to a more discretionary idea of what they need to accommodate in the workplace. There is increasing skepticism about private diagnostics on autism and indeed ADHD and what will be a mandated adjustment in law. Teaching management skills without expecting adjustments may be vastly more useful.

I would, not just becaise I think being able to name it and knowing your difficulties are due to ND can be beneficial, but also ADHD excludes you from enlisting in the army in most cases so presumably from being drafted too, I'd get a diagnosis and have her give meds a try (if she's interested) just as protection from that given the current state of the world.

Learning difficulties / learning disability isn’t something which teachers are qualified to assess a student as having, so it’s confusing that they told you she was “classed as having LD” or “had LD.” They can identify particular learning issues and needs and then request SENCO input for a fuller view, or use various techniques to support students with elements of their learning, but they can’t simply declare that a student with no assessment or plan has LD.

When they said all this did you ask to speak to the SENCO? Share your observations on her overall behaviour and ask for their view on whether they’d support an assessment for anything? Considering her poor attendance and that she isn’t achieving well academically, have you spoken with them recently?

And applying for life insurance, medical insurance, travel insurance. Yes it might be offset by medication / extra help, as I said in my earlier posts, but it needs to be considered now as it cannot be removed as a diagnosis later, and an increasing number of people regret pursuing it.

i would keep it on the back burner

You do seem to have passively sat back and ignored your DD’s needs over the years just because you mistrust “labels”. It’s great home is adapted to meet her needs but it sounds like she’s had to navigate every other environment unsupported and not well understood. I’m surprised you didn’t dig deeper when her learning difficulties were identified. How can you not know what they actually are?!

It is incredibly selfish of you not to have pushed for a diagnosis. Adults with undiagnosed ADHD and autism go through years of wondering why they feel different or 'other'. Waiting lists for diagnosis in adults are very long but she can pursue this.

Ask a parent of a child with ASD I am appalled.

At 17 I'd let her decide if she wants to go for an assessment or not and then support her either way. It's her life and her future it will impact, so give her autonomy over it. She's almost an adult.

Don't feel bad, it is really hard to tell with some girls.

I am the parent of a child diagnosed with ADHD and ASD so I guess biased, but I'd say with the UK education system in the state it is, you'd be crackers to attempt year 6 to 7 transition with an undiagnosed child, especially a girl.

They are either autistic with a "label" (hate that word) or autistic without.

There are some very specific situations where it could be an issue (joining the Armed Forces, emigrating to Australia iirc) but set against that is the likelihood that it could be useful re university and the workplace - which may be actually on the horizon.