Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh always irritated by Dd

116 replies

Nowheretoputallthetoys · 18/01/2026 13:12

She is 7 and possibly Nd. She’s an amazing girl-bright, kind, fun, excitable, but she can be intense and very hyper at times.
Dh just can’t seem to accept her being herself, always telling her to calm down or stop running around, always to just sit down, even when she’s just playing. I said to him she’s just a child, only 7 and to get off her case basically. He has zero patience and reacts strongly almost straightaway sometimes. She can be impulsive and threw part of her banana on the floor and the skin over the sofa and laughed-yes v annoying and I told her to pick it up which she did. Dh just walking past, pulling awful faces, shaking his head, tutting etc, just creating an atmosphere where we can’t relax

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Sanasaaa · 18/01/2026 17:19

You've written that you don't want to punish, be angry with, shout at, or get cross at the child, but none of those things are good parenting, so you wouldn't need to do any of them.

That's not what what posters mean then they write about parenting and consequences.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 18/01/2026 17:18

Nowheretoputallthetoys · 18/01/2026 17:15

This is what I do. I try not to shout and get cross at a child who cannot help it, she goes into the garden or I tickle and play fight with her or we go onto the fields to run with the dog. But she can have the impulsive, hyper episodes a few times a day at present

Show quote history

Then your approach is not working.

Original poster
Nowheretoputallthetoys · 18/01/2026 17:18

FrodoBiggins · 18/01/2026 17:16

Ok I'm not sure there's much point responding or trying to offer advice as you keep changing the facts.

What you said above contradicts your other post - "She has Pp and it’s hard to know if this causes the behaviour (I definitely think so) or not."

I would seek medical advice if you're not sure what's going on.

Show quote history

Not changing any facts, it’s an extremely difficult thing, I appreciate it’s difficult for people to understand. I shouldn’t have posted

OP posts:
FrodoBiggins · 18/01/2026 17:16

Nowheretoputallthetoys · 18/01/2026 17:12

No, I know that it’s caused by Pp. She may be Nd too, but she needs to get back to baseline before we assess for Nd

Show quote history

Ok I'm not sure there's much point responding or trying to offer advice as you keep changing the facts.

What you said above contradicts your other post - "She has Pp and it’s hard to know if this causes the behaviour (I definitely think so) or not."

I would seek medical advice if you're not sure what's going on.

Original poster
Nowheretoputallthetoys · 18/01/2026 17:15

WhatNoRaisins · 18/01/2026 17:08

Wouldn't you at least try to channel some of the behaviours into something less annoying?

For example I keep a bit of the house clear enough to run up and down in. I don't try to stop DC running about but I insist that they do it there rather than throwing my hands up because they can't help it.

This is what I do. I try not to shout and get cross at a child who cannot help it, she goes into the garden or I tickle and play fight with her or we go onto the fields to run with the dog. But she can have the impulsive, hyper episodes a few times a day at present

OP posts:
InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 18/01/2026 17:13

Ahhhblissful · 18/01/2026 17:06

Whats the point if he will be shut down on it.
And constantly hearing she can't help it she as SEN.
Tbh I'd give up aswell.

Show quote history

Her mother told her to pick the banana skin up, which she did. The father just tutted and acted visibly annoyed. He’s being totally passive.

Original poster
Nowheretoputallthetoys · 18/01/2026 17:12

FrodoBiggins · 18/01/2026 17:06

She's not diagnosed with ND though, correct?
You seem to start from knowing she can't help it but you don't know what causes it. Which means you don't know if it's caused by a condition or she's just used to being naughty and not being told off...

No, I know that it’s caused by Pp. She may be Nd too, but she needs to get back to baseline before we assess for Nd

OP posts:
Dunnocantthinkofone · 18/01/2026 17:12

Nothing in the way you’ve posted has given a tone of anything seeming difficult in your eyes aside from your husband’s behaviour? And you’ve been very defensive - I’m assuming you thought we’d all just agree with you that he was in fact a dick and weren’t prepared for how this has gone
We started at ‘ she’s not diagnosed but may be ND’ to ‘she has brain inflammation which is the definite cause’
Quite the drip feed and the reason for the way this has gone

Original poster
Nowheretoputallthetoys · 18/01/2026 17:10

Strongle · 18/01/2026 16:58

So she has a condition like this: https://panspandasuk.org/what-are-pans-and-pandas/

Yes, she has Pans

OP posts:
SnapAndFartAllDayLong · 18/01/2026 17:09

Nowheretoputallthetoys · 18/01/2026 17:04

I mean it’s hard to distinguish between that or Nd or both at play at times. Please, there is no need to be so rude, this is a really challenging thing we’re going through.

Show quote history

Literally every poster has said you need to actually parent your child which includes discipline! Time to pull your head out your arse and rectify this behaviour before it gets worse.

Original poster
Nowheretoputallthetoys · 18/01/2026 17:09

Ahhhblissful · 18/01/2026 16:47

Sounds like you are a gentle parenting mum.

7 and still throwing food around.
Running up and down the home.
Hyper being loud.

Sorry op but your child would irritate and annoy me.
Having some sort of sen dont mean you get to act like a twat.
And it sounds like you allowe it because sen.
You keep telling her that she can't help it she as sen, she will think she can get away with anything.

Edited

*Act like a twat…wow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowheretoputallthetoys · 18/01/2026 17:08

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 18/01/2026 16:46

Of course you can still tell her not to do this. How on earth else will she learn?

Show quote history

When she is not ill, she doesn’t do this, she learnt from a young age not to do it and knew/knows it’s not correct. She’s not in control when ill

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 18/01/2026 17:08

Wouldn't you at least try to channel some of the behaviours into something less annoying?

For example I keep a bit of the house clear enough to run up and down in. I don't try to stop DC running about but I insist that they do it there rather than throwing my hands up because they can't help it.

FrodoBiggins · 18/01/2026 17:06

She's not diagnosed with ND though, correct?
You seem to start from knowing she can't help it but you don't know what causes it. Which means you don't know if it's caused by a condition or she's just used to being naughty and not being told off...

Ahhhblissful · 18/01/2026 17:06

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 18/01/2026 16:52

Both parents sound passive. The dad is getting visibly annoyed but he isn’t actively patenting her either.

Whats the point if he will be shut down on it.
And constantly hearing she can't help it she as SEN.
Tbh I'd give up aswell.

Original poster
Nowheretoputallthetoys · 18/01/2026 17:06

jamandcustard · 18/01/2026 16:43

Why does her diagnosis mean she has to throw food on the floor and that she's immune from discipline? Confused

Show quote history

Because it’s brain inflammation so she cannot help it, would you be angry with someone with a health condition that affected them behaviourally, would that be fair?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowheretoputallthetoys · 18/01/2026 17:04

FrodoBiggins · 18/01/2026 16:41

You said a few posts ago that you don't know but just guess that PP makes her behave badly ("it’s hard to know if this causes the behaviour"). Now you know for sure she can't control her behaviour? What did you learn since starting the thread?

Edited
Show quote history

I mean it’s hard to distinguish between that or Nd or both at play at times. Please, there is no need to be so rude, this is a really challenging thing we’re going through.

OP posts:
OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 18/01/2026 17:03

Jamesblonde2 · 18/01/2026 17:02

At least he knows it’s not right. The mother is just defending the kids behaviour. So she’s not going to change. Useless.

Show quote history

I’d imagine this is what he’s also shaking his head at. The complete lack of reaction

Jamesblonde2 · 18/01/2026 17:02

Sanasaaa · 18/01/2026 15:29

What's the husband teaching her by making stupid faces, tutting and shaking his head? That's not parenting.

Show quote history

At least he knows it’s not right. The mother is just defending the kids behaviour. So she’s not going to change. Useless.

Original poster
Nowheretoputallthetoys · 18/01/2026 17:02

jamandcustard · 18/01/2026 16:38

Why do you think she can't help it?

Show quote history

As said above

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 18/01/2026 16:53

There has to be some compromise here. She shouldn't be punished harshly but she needs some guidance and support to control some of the behaviours at least.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 18/01/2026 16:52

Both parents sound passive. The dad is getting visibly annoyed but he isn’t actively patenting her either.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 18/01/2026 16:48

Whatever her difficulties, you are doing this poor child an enormous disservice by not teaching her how to behave. That just sets her up for the anger of others later on
No one is saying you have to come down overly heavily on her but to just shrug and accept her chucking food around and to complain that her father has the temerity to roll his eyes does make you sound exceptionally weak as a parent

Its only a snapshot of course but you doubling down on the ‘she shouldn’t be punished’ line certainly makes it look that way

Ahhhblissful · 18/01/2026 16:47

Sounds like you are a gentle parenting mum.

7 and still throwing food around.
Running up and down the home.
Hyper being loud.

Sorry op but your child would irritate and annoy me.
Having some sort of sen dont mean you get to act like a twat.
And it sounds like you allowe it because sen.
You keep telling her that she can't help it she as sen, she will think she can get away with anything.