Aunty visits?

I think once a month is quite a lot - i certainly didnt see my aunties more than that.

If your sister is younger than you and likely to have children in the future, how often would you anticipate going on day trips with your sister and her family?

In my experience, a lot is often expected of the younger sibling before they have children in terms of babysitting, trips out, etc but then it is rarely replicated by the older sibling once the younger one has children. The excuse being they also have children - even if they are teens and doing their own thing a lot more.

How much did you see your sister before you had children? How often and what sort of things did you do together?

I’m child free by choice. When I was younger, I also had loads of friends/busy social life. A day out with a five and an eight year old was up there with ‘I’ve got you a ticket for the navitity play’

This is so self centred. You chose to have children (which yes is hard and means a lot of juggling and self-sacrifice) . She does not have children. Why on earth should she change her life because of you decided to have kids?

I definitely saw my nieces and nephews in varying degrees. Sometimes every week sometimes not for a month. It actually got worse as they got older as they would rather be with friends/ gaming etc.

I have had my daughter later in life and so my sister doesn’t get chance to see her much as she is working and life gets in the way. The difference is that she still asks about her regularly.

I was a happily childfree woman till I was almost 40 and decided to ttc. Now that I have DS, I haven’t had a personality change overnight, and I certainly don’t think my childfree siblings should rearrange their lives around him!

I don’t really understand why you’d think her life has to change because you decided to have children.

I know you got offended when someone described your kids as ‘someone else’s children’ but that is exactly what they are to her. Yes, she’s related to them but they aren’t her kids and she isn’t responsible for them and doesn’t have to spend her time doing kiddy things when she doesn’t have any kids. She sees them once a month or so and that’s totally fine and normal - she doesn’t need to be asking how they are all the time in between. She has her own life. You have yours. You’re in touch and she sees her nieces/nephews regularly - they don’t have to be on her mind all the time for her to care about them.

You can’t really expect someone to give up a chunk of their life to do things that fit around your choices - it would be selfish to place that obligation on her.

Yes of course she is just fitting them in in gaps - they are not her children!

I saw my aunts a couple of times a year growing up, at special events, and as an adult had perfectly good relationships with them.

They are your children, not hers.

Some people have no interest in children… even those related to them. My best friends are both child free and find children overstimulating, annoying, overwhelming, boring and gross. Hence why they have chosen not to have any. They are better when the child is a baby and not toddler-primary age as babies don’t have conversations or want to play.

You chose to have your children. She didn’t.

Here's the old adage: Other people don't find your children half as interesting and delightful as you do.

I'd say once a month is entirely reasonable. And only then because you live so close. What would you expect if she lived, say, 2 hours away?

Aunts aren't always a significant part of life. I have 6 and only maintained contact with 1 into adulthood and I'd guess the fact she was mother of my favourite cousin played a part in that. I think you may be overthinking this, once a month is plenty.

Other than that they’re children, living ordinary children lives, I can assume they’re fine.

This! What's she meant to do, text you asking how they are? How much is there to say? They went to Brownies and dancing and drew a picture? Great. I think it's right to assume that if anything major happens, you'll tell her. I like seeing my nephew, but I think the basis for regular contact falls to the relationship with his parents. If you and your sister weren't/aren't close and wouldn't see each other regularly before kids, once a month seems fine.

It's actually really nice (as a childfree woman) to see so many people on this thread sticking up for the sister. There is often a perception that we have so much free time and can be emotional support humans for parents. Assuming your sister is working full time, by the time you clean the house, socialise, exercise, meal prep, and have some down time to read or watch TV, it's not like you have tons of spare time.

I was the aunty in this situation. I remember worrying that if I dropped in after work, I’d be interrupting tea/bath/bed etc. I worried that if I asked if I could visit or spend time with them over the weekend I’d be taking away family time which is so precious for working families. When I called my sis, I focussed on her and what was going on in her life, because I wanted her to know that I valued her as a person, not just as a mum.

In hindsight, realise that I got all of that wrong. But I meant well, and was simply trying to work out my role in the wider family.

I probably spent time with the kids about once a month and felt love for them as if they were my own. Now they are older, I adore them as do my DC. We don’t keep in close contact, but they know I’d drop everything if they need me and that (after my own DC and DH) they are my world. I am so proud of them,and proud of my sis for bringing up such wonderful DC.

Me and my sister may as well be joined to the hip, she’s a married, financially privileged childfree woman, with a life of her own but who we see about 4 times a week. She collects my son from school twice a week! Now, I’m different to you in that she treats my son like he’s her own in respect of time, interest and materialistically too but that’s because she wants to. There is no way I would expect it from her.

The thing is, they are your children, not hers. She’s not obliged to have anything to do with them just because she’s related biologically. You might think it’s a shame (and so do I!) but she’s doing nothing wrong and she isn’t out of order for it.

I’ll be honest, I don’t hold much interest in other people’s children either.

Don’t you want to spend time with her as a sister? It’s like you see her as a support person for your children rather than someone you care about and want to spend time with.

She isn't single, it says married in the first post. Maybe, she, I dunno prioritises time with her husband over time with someone else's kids. I'd do the same.

Have you ever actually asked her if she’s free the weekend after next to come and join you all for a trip to the zoo, because the DC would like it? She might be amenable to an invitation.

I can’t say I’ve ever contacted my brother or SIL to ask how my niece and nephew are, if we’re talking anyway I’ll after them ask much as I’ll ask “how’s work?” and “how’s the house renovation going?” If something specific happens I’ll be told. Other than that they’re children, living ordinary children lives, I can assume they’re fine.

I'm the auntie in this scenario. I see my sister's kids about once a month on average. They're my favourite little people and we have a great relationship, but I'm not "in touch with them on a weekly basis" because, well, they're kids and not on WhatsApp! 😉

As a childless woman I can honestly tell you that spending that much time with primary aged children, even if we share blood, is nowhere near the top of my list of priorities. If you haven’t had your own children or been exposed to young children much, it’s not easy to relate to them and know how to amuse them, and it’s hard work! Which is why parents are always glad when someone competent takes them and gives them a break. I think you should cut her some slack, and wait until she has children of her own and then see if the cousins enjoy spending time together.

Are you close to your sister? Did you see her regularly before you had your children? Do you see her separately now at all?

Once a month is probably above average

I honestly think tho, forgot to say it above, the families that have aunties that see the kids a lot are the ones where the parents and their siblings are actually friends too who do stuff together.

Are you friends? Do you socialise together?

I don't see my sister's kids (much as I actually like them) because we're not friends, so she priortises seeing her friends and is very busy with a very big job.

She does the whole "you're single, you must have so much time" thing on me too, which is irritating.

Plus you can't just drop in on her, she doesn't invite me and I'm not good at making plans, so I've given up making so much effort. When I do go there, I feel tolerated and it looks like a relief to them when I leave. But I still get moaned at for not being interested in the kids.

I honestly think you can't win as an aunty sometimes. If you want to see her more, organise something smaller than a day out too and see if that helps. But she might just be really busy with stuff going on.

Perhaps not busier but maybe working full time and having t a ball socialising and leading her own full and active life in her free time.