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Original poster

How to “leave” my deceased Mums last husband

105 replies

Pastpeoplepleasing · 18/01/2026 05:01

My mum was married a few times during her life, I had a few of Dads during my childhood. She married her last husband when I had been married for the best part of 10 years and had my first child and next on the way. I embraced her relationship as I thought she was really happy, they moved close to us and became neighbours. Mum passed away very suddenly and as time has gone on I get the feeling she wasn’t as happy as I thought. I think her husband was possessive of her, isolated her and at least financially controlled her. He is a heavy drinker, rude to people other than us, aggressive manner and I don’t think anyone particularly likes him. He was married for a long time before my Mum and his kids and Grandkids do not see much of him.

He is very nice and helpful to me and my family but not sure if it is due to his controlling nature. He expects to see us daily, spend weekends with me and my family and Christmas Day etc. I have spent my life with men and their extended families of my Mums choosing and want to have my own life now. How do I get out of this particularly with living in close proximity.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 18/01/2026 05:19

I've had to be really honest with a friend/neighbour who was turning me into her daily carer/shopper. Things cooled off for a while, but she now seems to have accepted what I can give. I agree that you don't have to 'take him on'. But if he was a positive relationship for my children, I'd decide how I wanted it to be, tell him and then ride it out. I was just thinking of your children losing two people who they've been close to.

Original poster
Pastpeoplepleasing · 18/01/2026 05:12

Cando6 · 18/01/2026 05:11

Difficult one because of the proximity but do something now before he becomes your dependant.
Can you suggest he moves to be nearer his family? Just to sow that seed in his mind that you don’t consider yourself his family. When he says that wouldn’t work as they don’t get on say you’re just keen to make sure he has support as ‘obviously’ you can’t be that support now the relationship via your mum has gone.
Do not feel guilty. Women are always made to feel guilty about not giving their time and energy to men. You don’t like him and you don’t owe him anything.
Start with telling him you don’t have the energy to see him every day. Then follow through with that. Be unavailable.
We inherited an unpleasant man via my MIL but he was far away so it was easy to drop him. He found himself a new female to rely on and eventually moved out of her house.
Anyone who thinks OP or I are mean for not just taking on older men can jog on. We have to look after ourselves.

Thank you, that is really helpful

OP posts:
Original poster
Pastpeoplepleasing · 18/01/2026 05:11

Ponoka7 · 18/01/2026 05:06

If you say that you are busy, or that you just want to chill and see no-one, what is his reaction? Do your children see him as Granddad and that's why you aren't straight with him?

My kids and husband really like him, this also adds to the feeling of being trapped.

OP posts:
Cando6 · 18/01/2026 05:11

Difficult one because of the proximity but do something now before he becomes your dependant.
Can you suggest he moves to be nearer his family? Just to sow that seed in his mind that you don’t consider yourself his family. When he says that wouldn’t work as they don’t get on say you’re just keen to make sure he has support as ‘obviously’ you can’t be that support now the relationship via your mum has gone.
Do not feel guilty. Women are always made to feel guilty about not giving their time and energy to men. You don’t like him and you don’t owe him anything.
Start with telling him you don’t have the energy to see him every day. Then follow through with that. Be unavailable.
We inherited an unpleasant man via my MIL but he was far away so it was easy to drop him. He found himself a new female to rely on and eventually moved out of her house.
Anyone who thinks OP or I are mean for not just taking on older men can jog on. We have to look after ourselves.

Ponoka7 · 18/01/2026 05:06

If you say that you are busy, or that you just want to chill and see no-one, what is his reaction? Do your children see him as Granddad and that's why you aren't straight with him?