To worry about DH prioritising nephews and nieces over our child

Is his sister in a different financial situation? I’d assume so with 4 DC. She also has a minefield of obligations and time restraints and a mental load you probably can’t imagine. I struggle enormously with 2 dc let alone 4, gift buying is not a top priority. There’s just soo much to think about and organise all the time when you have multiple / school age kids. You’re making a problem where there isn’t one.

He sounds like a great uncle and I imagine he will be an ever better dad. My ex was very close to his nieces, they are in their late 20’s now and absolutely lovely girls. But when our own DC came along, they were the apple of his eye. He still adored his nieces, but our DC were obviously his priority. I think you’re being unfair to his sister. It’s not common to be as generous with gifts and time for nieces and nephews as your partner is. You can’t say if his sister doesn’t match this then she doesn’t care. Some people find it very easy to show love, whereas others are more guarded.

Sounds to me like you’re just wary of his adoration of these children and worried about your own child’s place in his world. Please come back in a year or two’s time as i’d bet my bottom dollar he will adore his own child even more. He sounds like a lovely man. But don’t let this cause arguments between you. You’re being unfair to his sister.

You don't get to police your husband's relationships with other people, including his nephews and nieces.

I'm with you, OP, I thought at first that your SIL was a single mother and perhaps your husband was treating her children so well to make up for them not having a dad, but she's married, they have a dad at home. It's one thing buying them a gift for Christmas and birthdays, and maybe an Easter egg, but it's over the top and unnecessary to be buying them things just for the sake of it, that's for their parents to do and I wonder how that makes your BIL feel?

You have every right to feel upset that your SIL doesn't even send your husband, her brother, a birthday card, and an agreement that no-one buys presents for adults is fairer than it all being one sided (obviously you and your husband would still buy for one another.)

When your new little baby arrives, it sounds like your husband will be a brilliant daddy, in light of how he treats his nieces and nephews you should be very proud of him, he sounds very kind and caring and has a lot of love to give. You and your little one will be his main priority, but the nieces and nephews will always be special to him and as his wife you should encourage a relationship between your child and their cousins, be proud of your husband for taking such an interest in them. Enjoy your pregnancy and all the best with your little baby 💐

Oh I've just looked at your previous post!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5472014-to-think-my-sil-is-the-most-selfish-mother-ever?postsby=suziequeue1

You're very obsessed with someone you seem to be pretending not to judge so hard. I think you're jealous he's nice to his sister and think only you and your future baby are deserving of his attention. Your attitude is horrid

I'm surprised you think what you've said to your husband about his sister is okay. If I was him I'd never forget this nastiness from you

I spend much more effort and money on my nieces and nephews then my siblings do on mine.
It does not mean I love my children less.
It definitely does not show them that they are less important.
What a warped way to think about things.
If anything it shows a good example of being kind and generous. And that it is not just done for reward . Or inturn to pay back the same amount/time a person has spent on you.

It is not a competition, your post comes across like ot was written by a teenager, if you are mature enough to have a child you are mature enough to realise how much your thinking needs work

Get a grip.

You're projecting either your own, or made up feelings to try and justify your husband paying less attention and giving less care to his nieces and nephews because you're jealous.

Vile.

You seem to be accusing him of something that he hasn't even done yet and quite probably will never do.

He sounds like a lovely uncle. He's more than likely to be a lovely dad too once your baby is born. I think it could be a case of crossing that bridge if you come to it because your baby isn't even born yet, but there sounds like a good chance that things will be fine.

It takes some twisted thinking to find red flags Ina man who shows love, kindness and generosity to his nieces and nephews will neglect his own child.

My natural instinct would be the opposite, that he will be a great father

How he sees your child compared to his nephew's and nieces is an entirely separate issue from your resentment of your SIL.

Of course he'll prioritise his own child. But that doesn't mean he'll withdraw from the nephews and nieces. Love is not pie. He seems to have enough to go for everyone.

As for your SIL... you have to stop letting her take so much space in your head. She's not your brother. She's tied up with looking after four kids. Up until now he's just played fun uncle, and had plenty of time and headspace to do it. She's unlikely to have head space and time to be spoiling your child in the same way because she'll still have four children to wrangle.

Comparison is the thief of joy. She's not DH and her life is very different from his. Don't compare them. You don't like her so you're looking for trouble.

You’re gonna be the best mum.
And he’s gonna be the very best girl dad.

All the rest of that is just small stuff.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.

You’re gonna be a mum (!!!) can you believe it?
Sending love from faraway California ❤️

How much dies he spend on his sister? Not her kids, her. Not that he has to spend anything, but you are currently comparing and extrapolating from different things.

@suziequeue1 think of it this way…
if he dotes on his niece and nephews to this extent, just imagine how in love if he is going to be with his own child!
All will be well. Pregnancy can be an anxious time.

This is a really strange rabbit hole to have gone down before your child is even born.

Why shouldn’t he spoil them? He’s their uncle and it sounds as though he adores them and he likes to show that through gift-giving..

Whether or not your SIL does the same for your child is irrelevant really. It doesn’t sound as though she’s a big gift giver so perhaps she won’t, but you can’t keep a score card of who’s spent the most and punish her children accordingly.

You sound jealous of these children, like they are competition for your baby. They aren’t.

This doesn’t bode well for future relations with your in-laws.

You are seeing the nieces and nephews as an extension of their mum, but your dh sees them as separate family members who he loves.

I'm inclined to think your dh is right. You don't give to receive. If he wants to treat his relatives, that is entirely separate to whether your dc's aunt wants to treat your dc.

His love for his nieces and nephews won't decrease because of their mum not giving big presents.

His relationship with his sister is separate to his relationship with the kids.
He isn't buying the kids gifts in the expectation of a gift from his sister.

When he has his own baby it's not going to be a transaction between him and his sister, 'you spent x amount so I will spend x amount'.

Equally ? My nieces and nephews are not even on the same book as my children never mind On the same page.
It’s definitely not a equal they have a mother and father

No, he should be prioritising his own child(ren) over his nieces and nephews. If a choice has to be made, he should cut back on what he does with the nieces and nephews rather than his own child missing out.

You’ve either left some information out or you’re doing a lot of projecting to get from the situation you’ve described which is a not very serious matter of an adult not giving another adult presents, to a very serious and unusual worry about a man putting other children above his own. Why is that at all something you are worried about, it doesn’t follow?