To worry about DH prioritising nephews and nieces over our child

Can you reframe this in your mind OP.

Your nieces and nephews have an adult in their life showing them love, kindness and generosity and how to treat people they love. He's a good role model for them in a way that their mum isn't.

Your baby will have that person as their dad! A lovely caring person who makes an effort.

One of my siblings isn't one to bother with people's birthdays including the kids. None of her neices and nephews are scarred from it. They just know AuntyX doesn't really bother. A big deal hasn't been made of it. They don't see it as linked to their self esteem as they (luckily) have parents that are like your baby's dad. Their worth isn't measured by if AuntyX gets them a card, we just shrug, don't make a big deal of it and move on to something positive.

I think mum and dad being kind caring people is key. Wider relatives aren't as important.

You need to separate the Nieces and nephews and their mum in your head I think. They shouldn’t be treated differently based on their mum’s potential lack of interest in your child (which may turn out very different to your expectation anyways!). They are just kids and may feel pushed out by the new child as well, so consistency as much as possible from your husband will probably
be helpful for them.

I have accepted some family
members want (or can) make more of an effort with my children than others and that’s up to them. As your child gets older they will have a closer relationship to those who give them their time (gifts I don’t think think they’ll remember!).

Accept what will be, will be and try not to tie yourself up in knots in the hypothetical.

Your dh loves his nieces and nephews and treats them because he loves them. He sounds like a nice guy. He will love your child even more so imagine how much love your child is going to get. He made adjust things when your child is born but let him lead (as long as you can afford it comfortably) try not to compare or be bitter it doesn’t put you on a good light. Ultimately if your dh maintains a good relationship with his dns then the reward is a close relationship when they grow up. If your sil doesn’t bother with your dc (not just financially but with time and effort too) hen they won’t be close to her and she loses out.

You’re worrying about something that a) hasn’t happened and b) wouldn’t matter if it did happen. Sounds like pregnancy anxiety.

I think kindly, YABU. Your husband wants to spoil them, that's up to him and I wouldn't be encouraging him to stop treating his nieces and nephews generously.
His sister does sound unappreciative and stingy - I genuinely can't imagine a sibling spoiling my kids so much and not even buying them a birthday gift! Does he get her one? Maybe she thinks gifts are just for children. Who knows.

I'd just wait and see what happens and stop worrying about it - I imagine if he spoils his nieces and nephews so much, your own child will be the MOST spoiled one when they're born!

His relationship with his nieces and nephews is independent of the one their mum has with your child. Giving to them shouldn’t be contingent on what you get back.

it is reasonable though to spend less on them that you used to if you now have less money due to having your own children.

I give to my niece to make her happy, I don’t give gifts to bank a gift back on my birthday!!

You are massively overthinking this. What's important is how your dh feels and behaves towards his child, not how your SIL does.

This: 'But if she was to treat our child a certain type of way and not gift our child on occasions etc, our child will grow up to see her dad spoiling her cousins while she never gets anything from them?' is just not really important. Within families, people probably often vary in how generous they are with gifts. You need to abandon the idea right now that you can arrange the world and family members so that your child has an experience of perfect fairness. That way madness lies!

To be jealous of children must be pretty low? You cannot dictate to your husband how he should interact and behave with his family. I would hit the roof if my husband dictated the parameters of what i’m allowed to give my family, unless you’re saying he is spending your money and your unborn child will go without? I didn’t get that impression though, just extreme resentment and jealousy?

Don’t be daft.

The kids will just think, if anything, oh Auntie is stingy / not thoughtful and my dad is generous / thoughtful.
My mum and dad never bought any of my cousins birthday or Xmas gifts ever, I always received presents from my aunts and uncles, I was just embarrassed by my parents for it and my cousins these days just write it off

If he likes spoiling children then he will want to spoil his own even more than others.

In my experience, doting uncles become less involved with nieces and nephews when their own children come along. It’s natural that they have less time and money available and are more focused on their own baby.
Try not to overthink it.

It’s your DH choice to spoil his DNs that doesn’t mean his sister should feel pressured to reciprocate.

Her not reciprocating doesn’t mean she doesn’t love your DC.

He is also correct that why should he stop spoiling them just because she chooses not to reciprocate.

Him spoiling his DN doesn’t mean he isn’t going to “prioritise” your DC.

You sound very materialistic if I’m honest…….

I just your other thread and I think there is a huge back story about your feelings about his sister affecting your thoughts. I find with family stuff if I lower my expectations of others than it reduces my chance of being disappointed

You are being unreasonable, purely because this is all a hypothetical situation so far. Why not wait and see if she does/doesn't do all of these things and then have a row about it, right now its all based on assumptions?

You have created a whole scenario in your head and have wound yourself up about it. Think about that for a minute

This really resonates with me, but I thought someone would burn down the house or break in or my husband would have a car accident! So please give yourself a break and understand that pregnancy heightens our mind to threats and talk to your husband about it.

Your husband sounds lovely and it’s your moral compass which sounds off kilter not his! He is making four kids and his relationship with them more important than money. You on the other hand want to stop that if their parent - someone who they have no control over - does not spend X amount of money on your child. He’s made it about the kids and their needs - you’ve ignored their needs and are making it about the money and you are wondering what sort of parent he will be? I bet he is wondering what sort of parent you will be.

Oh dear op. that previous thread made me wince.

Regardless, relationships aren’t transactional. You don’t give to get - whether that be time, effort or money.

Far too early to worry about this. Your dh is generous with his sisters kids thats lovely, he is of course going to love his own child more and will treat them well.

If Aunt does not give your child gifts in same way your child probably wont notice, if they do they will think i am lucky to have a really generous dad, aunt is a bit tight.

He definitely should not treat the neices ans nephews differently in response to sister. He should pick any issue up with her if it bothers him or his child.

I wouldn’t says the OP is obsessed. She’s clearly trying to negotiate an unbalanced relationship between her DH and his sibling. The SIL does sound irresponsible and severely ungrateful! I can’t imagine many being happy with that dynamic. No wonder the OP is worried about how her DH is going to manage with her baby with a side hustle of a family of 6.

I can understand why you are worried but we spend so much time worrying about things that never happen.

If you feel your DH is prioritising his DNs once your baby arrives, then you have a discussion.

It’s very possible your SIL will be a crap aunt. But I guarantee your kid will have great cousins. As your children get older this will be such a gift.

If your DH loves children, he will love his own children. Relax…