Childminder and kids grandma

Birchtree1 · 2026-01-17T15:49:05+00:00

I am currently going through a nasty break up with my partner of 15 years. He was emotionally abusive to wards myself and our kids and also physically abusive towards the kids. Going through court currently and ex partner only allowed 2 hours supervised contact at contact center and 2 phone calls a week. I have a lovely childminder ( older lady) she has looked after my kids for the last 7 years. Before and after school when i am at work and whole days during school holidays. She quite frankly is a godsend, flexible, great with the kids, loves nearby. She does almost feel like an extra grandmother. My problem is that my ex partner mother has asked my son for childminders phone number to be able to speak to her. She also spoke to her when my son rang his grandma while at the childminder and asked for information on my other child who was at hospital at the time. It is normal for my kids grandma to give a couple of token gifts to the childminder previously to us separating. I am talking £10 max, or a homemade jam etc. This christmas she send a usual giftbag through the kids at supervised contact and my childminder told me there was cash in it for "a nice meal out" . My ex partners mum has NEVER done this before. I feel unhappy and unsettled about this. It is MY childminder. I found her, employed her, sort out her hours and have ALWAYS paid her fully from my salary. My ex partners mum has nothing to do with her. ( my ex also contacted my childminder over christmas and new year) Their grandma has my phone number and can contact me about the kids if she wants. I have a non molestation order in place against my ex, there is /was a lot going on. It is making me feel anxious. I have spoke to my childminder and told her it makes me feel uncomfortable. She listened and agreed but i also dont want to make her feel uncomfortable and under pressure AIBU to feel this way/ that this isnt ok?

Nearly50omg · 18/01/2026 09:38

Rollerbarbie88 · 18/01/2026 00:45

With all due respect, I'd call her a liability. She certainly isn't a professional (which childminders are, as they are registered with a regulatory body).

Given your history, I understand why you want to put the blame on your ex, and he deserves some of it, but you also need to take responsibility for some of the safeguarding failures. Have a very frank discussion with your babysitter regarding appropriate communication, and if it is not followed, seek alternative childcare.

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As an ex nurse and working previously with foster kids she knows FULL WELL that her behaviour isn’t on!! The CM is breaking yours and your kids confidentiality and breaching gdpr!!

Nearly50omg · 18/01/2026 09:36

You need to remind your childminder she is breaking the law talking to anyone other than who is allowed to about your kids!!!! It’s a massive breach of gdpr and also with police and court involved she is putting herself at risk of being charged with aiding and abetting your ex!!!

falalalalalalalallama · 18/01/2026 09:12

helfordonthelizard · 18/01/2026 01:59

Just as a foster carer secondary school children without any special needs would encouraged by children's services to begin becoming a little more independent for an hour or two after school But I apologise I did not realise it was for 11 hours at a time. Sorry!

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Apologies! I see now your question came from a good place. I mistook you for one of those posters who thinks it's fun to tear strips off the OP

Original poster

Birchtree1 · 18/01/2026 07:54

My son has suspected asd/adhd. I dont want him by himself for 3 hours plus in the afternoon/ evenings several times a week.
I have spoke to my childminder. She is on board but its not her fault if and when she gets contacted by ex and his mother. She now knows not to say anything about the kids.
Also she is amazing and the kids love her, feel.safe with her and this is very important.
Social services are involved. And have been for a good while due to the abuse/violence.
My children have had and are having a hard time. It hasn't been easy for them and I want to make sure their life is as calm and settled as possible.

Also near where I live there is a total of w child minder. One we tried 8 years ago and the kids hated it there. Only telly, doing nothing else. The other childminder was full at the time and doesnt cover holidays.
Also holiday clubs are age related and nearest ones would be a 30 minute + drive away and they dont open from 7 am until 7.30pm which is what I would then need due to my commute. And I also have zero family support.
But thank you all for your replies.
I appreciate all of them!
It has shown me that this is not acceptable from my ex and his mother. I have already sent an email.to the solicitor.
I dont know why contact center didnt intervene with the phone number giving during contact. But at least they logged it so there is proof.
My childminder would also be doing a statement if necessary. But there will be no fact finding hearing. Just gp, police, school reports and social services doing the section 7.
Photos of bruises on older child. Logs ( i guess time stamped) when I wrote.down stuff that happened.
I am.not always very good at expressing myself and standing up for myself but I guess that comes with the territory if you've been in an abusive relationship for years.

OP posts:

helfordonthelizard · 18/01/2026 01:59

falalalalalalalallama · 18/01/2026 01:47

What an odd question. The OP has said she can be out of the house for 11 hours on workdays.

My DS and DS continued to go to a CM for a good while after DS started secondary as I didn't want them both coming home to an empty house and DS having to be responsible for DD.

They'd been to the CM for years and it was a home from home.

I find it hard to imagine why you would need to question that, and that's without even factoring in that there has obviously been a very difficult time for the family and the ex can't be trusted given there's a non-mol order in place.

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Just as a foster carer secondary school children without any special needs would encouraged by children's services to begin becoming a little more independent for an hour or two after school But I apologise I did not realise it was for 11 hours at a time. Sorry!

falalalalalalalallama · 18/01/2026 01:47

helfordonthelizard · 18/01/2026 01:33

Is,there a reason your son still needs a childminder at secondary school age?

What an odd question. The OP has said she can be out of the house for 11 hours on workdays.

My DS and DS continued to go to a CM for a good while after DS started secondary as I didn't want them both coming home to an empty house and DS having to be responsible for DD.

They'd been to the CM for years and it was a home from home.

I find it hard to imagine why you would need to question that, and that's without even factoring in that there has obviously been a very difficult time for the family and the ex can't be trusted given there's a non-mol order in place.

helfordonthelizard · 18/01/2026 01:33

Is,there a reason your son still needs a childminder at secondary school age?

saraclara · 18/01/2026 00:52

I thought that all paid childminders had to be registered. Or are you not in the UK?

Rollerbarbie88 · 18/01/2026 00:45

Birchtree1 · 17/01/2026 22:25

??? She has looked after my kids for 7 years. Before and after school ( preschool when youngest wasnt at school yet) whole days during the holidays. She is an ex foster carer and ex nurse.
What else would i call her?

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With all due respect, I'd call her a liability. She certainly isn't a professional (which childminders are, as they are registered with a regulatory body).

Given your history, I understand why you want to put the blame on your ex, and he deserves some of it, but you also need to take responsibility for some of the safeguarding failures. Have a very frank discussion with your babysitter regarding appropriate communication, and if it is not followed, seek alternative childcare.

ThisCyanPoet · 17/01/2026 23:56

Birchtree1 · 17/01/2026 22:31

I cant do this and judge was clear he could call his father whenever he likes/wants.
He used to call our son up to 3 times a day prior to court order. Son is at secondary so has a phone now but it ischeavily restricted re access an times. It would call a massive issue if i'd tell him he cant call his dad when he wants. Dad already has tried alienating kids against me. Younger child doesnt have a phone.

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Sorry, I assumed he was younger as he was with a childminder.

Original poster

Birchtree1 · 17/01/2026 22:31

ThisCyanPoet · 17/01/2026 22:24

I would tell DS that he can only call dad when at home with you. He should only use his phone to contact you when you’re not there.

If he is calling DS at all, then report it as a breach of the CAO at the next hearing.

I cant do this and judge was clear he could call his father whenever he likes/wants.
He used to call our son up to 3 times a day prior to court order. Son is at secondary so has a phone now but it ischeavily restricted re access an times. It would call a massive issue if i'd tell him he cant call his dad when he wants. Dad already has tried alienating kids against me. Younger child doesnt have a phone.

OP posts:

Neodymium · 17/01/2026 22:30

You say you help her with technology? Block their phone numbers. If they call her and she answers and speaks to them about the kids then yes it’s her fault. She can hang up. It sounds like she is trying to be neutral but you can’t have that. She needs to agree to cease all contact with them.

Original poster

Birchtree1 · 17/01/2026 22:25

Nickyknackered · 17/01/2026 22:02

Sounds like a babysitter not a childminder.

??? She has looked after my kids for 7 years. Before and after school ( preschool when youngest wasnt at school yet) whole days during the holidays. She is an ex foster carer and ex nurse.
What else would i call her?

OP posts:

ThisCyanPoet · 17/01/2026 22:24

I would tell DS that he can only call dad when at home with you. He should only use his phone to contact you when you’re not there.

If he is calling DS at all, then report it as a breach of the CAO at the next hearing.

Nickyknackered · 17/01/2026 22:02

Sounds like a babysitter not a childminder.

Buscake · 17/01/2026 21:58

Kindly, it is a bit the childminders fault. She is presumably aware of how serious the situation is and safeguarding trumps everything. She shouldn’t be sharing info when there is an NMO in place! The children’s safety is paramount. Both physical and emotional.

Original poster

Birchtree1 · 17/01/2026 21:54

He hasn't spoken to child minder when kids were present but my son called her from his phone while he was at childminders and grandma then spoke to childminder.
This happened 2 months ago. I only found out last week. The phone number exchange at contact center was over Christmas ( including
The presents) all presents and cards for kids were opened under supervision at contact center.
I have sent an email to my solicitor. Will see what she says. It has just made me feel anxious and uncomfortable.
It is not my childminders fault. She is trying her best and it is my ex partner and his mother who are putting her in a difficult situation.
Also due to where we live...rural in a rural county...there are no other options re childcare to enable me to work the hours I have to work due to the nature of my job. If I dont work I cant provide for the kids. I already only work part time but long hours when I work. ( out of the house for 11 hours) and this cant be changed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Birchtree1 · 17/01/2026 21:48

ThisCyanPoet · 17/01/2026 21:32

Does the non-mol say he cannot contact the kids outside of the contact centre/family wizard?

No. But the temporary court order ( child arrangement order) says this. But my older child is allowed to call him from his phone when he wants.

OP posts:

ThisCyanPoet · 17/01/2026 21:32

Does the non-mol say he cannot contact the kids outside of the contact centre/family wizard?

HappyTalkingAndLaughing · 17/01/2026 21:32

They are trying to get in the childminders "good books" so she will give them information or even access to the children/OP.

I think you need to request that no phonecalls are made to the fathers family whilst in her care and absolutely no information is passed on.

You are her employer ... her "loyalty" should be with you.

If she is isn't willing or able to enforce these boundaries, then alternative provision needs to be sought for yours and the DC safety.

Rollerbarbie88 · 17/01/2026 21:16

I'm surprised the contact centre let him/them hand gifts over that weren't directly for the children. This seems very strange. As pp have advised, document everything and go to your solicitor.

7 years is a long time, but honestly, change childminder. If this is simply an informal arrangement, and not a qualified and certified childminder, they have no requirement to adhere to child safeguarding policies. For example, speaking to anyone other than the child's parent.

Original poster

Birchtree1 · 17/01/2026 20:39

It says to " not intimidate, intimidate or pester the applicant or the children" amongst other things. I dont think the kids are mentioned by name....
He's not allowed to contact me or kids other than by family wizard.
Contact center writes reports every week and the request for phone number for child minder is recorded by them but they didn't intervene. Last meeting he also asked a lot of leading questions ( as dis his mum) which aren't immediately apparent to be influential/ leading. I cant really disclose much more as this is already quite outing...

OP posts:

ThisCyanPoet · 17/01/2026 20:14

What does your non-molestation state your ex cannot do?

Is your son a protected person on it?

Original poster

Birchtree1 · 17/01/2026 17:53

Endofyear · 17/01/2026 17:49

I would be making sure that your childminder knows she is not to speak to your ex's mother about the children. Other than that, there's not much you can do about her accepting gifts if she chooses to. I'd be keeping a very close eye on it though.

I know, but the gifts were given to the kids during supervised contact at a contact center and then passed on to childminder.
My ex already made sure that the kids think the separation is my fault and that i took their dad away. So I couldnt exactly just bin it as kids knew and had it and were told to give it to childminder

OP posts:

Endofyear · 17/01/2026 17:49

I would be making sure that your childminder knows she is not to speak to your ex's mother about the children. Other than that, there's not much you can do about her accepting gifts if she chooses to. I'd be keeping a very close eye on it though.