Am I being overly suspicious of my DD13?

My DD1 at 13 was a nightmare wanting to do things that weren't age appropriate, it's worrying as they haven't got the capacity to deal with a dodgy situation if it occurs.
I got wise to her"staying at a friend's " and asked to speak to said friend's mum. Dad came on the phone, all good? Nope it was a friend's older brother 18+ who was covering for them.
She once stayed out all night and I had police looking for her, she turned up at 11am and had just stayed at some random lads house ffs.
It wasn't until she had a child of her own that she understood why I was distraught. They think they are invincible in their teens. I don't envy you, check and double check everything going forward.💕

You know full well you're not being over the top so what's with all this faux insecurity nonsense?

I think she's with someone she has met online, hopefully a boy or girl her own age, and not a grown man who has been grooming her.
You must meet her off the train and have a serious conversation with her about safety.
Teenagers all do daft and deceitful things, and think they are invincible. I know I did.

I doubt there's a parent with them. She's probably with friends (and thought you wouldn't let them go otherwise) or she's with a boyfriend. Did all that myself as a teen and lied about it because my parents just didn't let me do anything like that.

Unfortunately for her she's been caught out because of tracking and electronic banking. Rather silly of her to call you asking for money and raise suspicion, but you're now aware and can decide how to address it.

Please, unless she's doing something really unwise/dangerous, don't be too hard on her. By all means a bollocking for the lying this time but think about setting some reasonable parameters for expanding her freedom. I ended up in some really quite concerning situations because I couldn't confide in my parents for fear of being permanently grounded as they disapproved of just about everything except homework and church.

When you know she is on the train drive a couple of stops away from home and get on the train. See who she is with.

Have you managed to contact the mum?
Who she get off the train with or doesnt wont necessarily tell you who she is or has been with.
I hope all well and this is just a 13 yr old telling a few fibs to get a trip to london with friends but we live in a dangerous world where parents have to be savvy and switched on in order to protect vulnerable children.
Best wishes.

Please don't be that naive. How many times have you read in the news where parents haven't had a clue what their teenagers were involved in. That's in situations where they thought they were close to them, that their dcs told them everything and never seemed the type to do things in their view.
In her defence, she's not good at deceipt so probably the first time. Maybe it's just her friends and her going shopping and pretending that the other friend's mum is going with them as maybe they thought they wouldn't otherwise be allowed. Either way, looks like she's lied to you and that's what I'd be concerned about. This can only escalate if it's not nipped in the bud now.
Ring her, demand she put the other parent on the phone. If she supposedly can't then go there.
Don't forget she's only 13 and vulnerable no matter how sensible she is

If you don’t want to phone the mum (for whatever reason) save the number and then open it on WhatsApp and at least see the photo

Does he? No surprise.
You have minimised his lying to you in relation to where your daughter said she was going. You said 'he insisted she said the name of the town' and only now has he said he wasn't listening to what she said and doesn't know. That would raise a number of questions for me.
Your daughter clearly feels comfortable lying as she witnessed her Dad doing it. Suspect it's not the first time either.

This does sound weird. I don’t blame you for not wanting her to go to Stratford. I’m from London and even I find it a dodgy area!

Get her a Monzo card, you don’t have to go into a bank at all, can all be done online.

You’d think

I’d be so angry about the lie. I’m pretty chill and my 16 year old has a lot of freedom (we live in London) but that is on the grounds that she is responsible and honest. Lying is an absolute no go and I’d ground my 13 year old for a month if she fucked off to another city and lied about it. I hope you get to the bottom of it!

Surely if she's given you the mums number you phone it immediately given your suspicions?

I think I’d go and sit at the train station and see who she exits with. Don’t tell her. It’s one thing to deceive to go shopping with a mate (not great but they can do those things at a similar age) but quite another if eg, a man is involved.

Then have a proper sit down chat about the reasons honesty is important here.

Ah, to be 13 again! :)

In all seriousness, she's definitely fibbing, but you can get to the bottom of it fairly easily (speak to the mum, check her bank records which will say where shes been spending etc), see that she really does come home with the boots and does pay you back, etc. I'd bet shes probably just meeting up with friends (and maybe some boys).

The question is really how to handle it so that she will feel like she has enough freedom but can also tell you the truth when asked. And most important, can come to you when she needs to. Deffo chat with hubby too, so that you're a united front moving forward.

At least she is texting etc but it does sound like she is omitting some details. Almost certainly no other adult present.

If it were me I wouldn't mind her going to London with friends at that age, you've got to start somewhere with navigating trains etc. I remember going an hour away into London aged 12 with 8 or so friends without adults, but all the parents were on board with the plan, in touch with each other, saying goodbye at the respective stations etc. They'd gone through the plan (pre trackers and mobiles) so they knew where we were going.

Her deception and why she didn't just ask you about the real plans definitely need addressing.

Your instincts as mum are telling you somethings off ,i would listen to that instinct .
Get your 13 yr old DD home asap by hook or by crook!
Tell her you need her to come home and that you will collect her if necessary.
Ask for the name and details of the adult supposedly with your DD and contact her by phone for confirmation that your DD is safe.
Less of a priority right now but why would your husband say he heard you daughter say the name of the next town when he didnt hear anything,particularly as him saying he did undermined you ,thats gaslighting......?
Good luck.

Could you send a message saying ‘Hope you’ve had a good day, looking forward to seeing what you bought. Send me a pic of you all so I can see what Emily and Holly look like. You talk about them so often, I want to put faces to the names!

OP have you called the mothera number you have been given? Sorry if ive missed that.

For my friends (not me!) at 13 it would have been drink or boys or both (depending on who) and for other kids maybe drugs though that tended to be when a bit older. It’s definitely not a big leap to think a 13 year old girl would do something stupid and risky to meet a boy or help a friend to do so. Don’t forget she wanted money too. Why lie about the cost of boots? Clearly she intended to spend that money on something and I’d want to see her bank app and cash if possible to see how much she’s spent today and where.

I have three teens, and have been a lying teen myself - you’re right, there is defo something going on!

it probably isn’t anything sinister, from my experience my kids (well just the youngest really) have lied about some details when they think i’ll say no, in a asking for forgiveness not permission type of way. And I certainly did the same.

Going to meet her off the train is a good shout and should give you more of an idea of what’s going on.

I expect shes with a bunch of kids including boys !!! & no adult !

It may not even show you that, given her friends weren’t at the station this morning. Maybe whoever she was with got on a train at a different station.

So much this. The impulse is to get angry and start throwing around consequences. That’ll work once. If you manage to communicate your concern, cultivate space to talk, allow her to share, find out things and not go off the deep end, she might share more next time.

Making sure you do know the friends, do know what she’s doing online, do know how she’s feeling and what she’s thinking… it’ll be a very long decade otherwise.