My dad has a pathological need to be the centre of attention

No it wasn’t! I don’t know anyone when they are ill that turns to abusive aggressive language towards their loved ones!

If he gets angry when anyone mentions what he’s doing, have you tried completely ignoring anything he says?

my father is like this but about everything-if youre talling him about something in your life he always reverts it back to him

a couple of times he has been geuinely ill and thats fair enough-but the constant oh i think i might be ill is exhausting-during covid he said he may never see me again andno he didnt have it

YANBU at all to be fed up - it's very annoying. I suppose the question is what you do about it. My mother doesn't do this specifically but she has other very annoying behaviours. I decided a few years ago to just ignore them - I don't have the energy to engage and there's no way to address them. They have decreased quite significantly, mainly because she knows they won't work on me anymore.

It's really hard dealing with someone who has no self awareness and who dumps their feelings and problems on other people. The only thing other people can do in that scenario is refuse to take on the those feelings and problems, regardless of the consequences or control that person tries to use to get their way. It's bloody exhausting. I wish people would sort their shit out.

I sympathise. My mum has main character energy. Not just about health but about anything. If you were going to the moon she would have been to the moon already and infact been crowned queen of the moon. I just ignore her most of the time, I think I'm just used to it. Mind you she would never call me names, that's horrible and completely unacceptable.

My mother is like this. The day my Dad told us he had cancer she actually said well she had a UTI and it was supposed to be all about her that day!

It sounds like I'm making that up but it's exactly how it was said - I guess it may have come from being shocked but she has form for being incredibly self-centred. Her now husband has Parkinsons and is really suffering and I think she resents him because it's such a visible illness so people tend to notice and ask how he is. She does have some health issues but not in the same league, we definitely know about them though.

A person in my family is like this, we just completely ignore their comments. So for example we say oh hello lovely day isn’t it,they typically reply about how unwell they’ve felt etc and now I just blank that out and say oh I’m sorry you feel like that and continue talking about something else. I think this person only got attention as a child when they were sick and I’ve tried to bring this up to them before in an effort to help give some insight into their behaviour but no!
they are only in their 30’s and has been unwell and sick from as far as I remember!

That really isn't an excuse OP!

Thats a really good observation and I agree with all of it.

This behaviour is common.

Abuse in childhood aside, I think it’s a combination of the following:

1. Free use of NHS turns the elderly into ‘career patients’ with constant checkups, pills, treatments and scans.
2. Increasing awareness of one’s own mortality and wanting relatives to ‘cure’ it. Not wanting to become obsolete, but remain important and valued.
3. And yet, denial of mortality. Not realising that aches, pains, injuries and infections eventually become long terms conditions - nothing can be cured, only managed. I think older men point blank refuse to contemplate this.
4. No other interests or occupations in life, so being a patient is all they think about.

As other person on this thread put it: it’s draining.

This phenomenon will get worse. The oldest generation were stoic. The next generation becoming career patients are the boomers.

Go LC or if you don’t want too, ignore his comments about illness. Just say “oh dear” or nothing and move on. Don’t give him the attention he’s seeking.

Has he ever apologised for calling you an evil little bitch?

Because he may have been sick when he said it, but when he was well again he should have apologised immediately.

And on that note now might be the perfect time to start going LC.

How many siblings OP?

have you discussed how you’ll assist in caring from your parents when they’re elderly and genuinely need it? It sounds like they’re very very dramatic. Once they genuinely need family support it sounds like they’re going to be HARD work and draining on you all. It’s maybe best to decide how you’re going to jointly all deal with that before the time arrives.

This reminds me of the time my mum came to visit us on her own, and my dad didn't approve of her leaving him alone so he "broke his ankle".

Obviously she was in a bit of a state, being 200 miles away- so the desired effect obviously- but we managed to call his bluff by getting a friend of theirs to check in on him who roundly told him to stop being so bloody ridiculous, it wasn't even a sprain 😆

I hear you! My mum is like this (honestly my dad was having a heart attack and she accused him of being melodramatic as the attention not on her).
My mum does have serious health issues, and is disabled, and does kind of inability to accept others get ill (though she does worry about us all).

my sister and I call her out on it though. Not all the time, but when she’s being particularly selfish, we do have the ability to tell her to stop. She may sulk, but then apologises, which seems to be the difference here.

both my parents depend on us a lot now with health issues, and my mums had mental health issues for the last 20 years (very much associated with her disability which is neurological).
most of the time we just ignore her, but I do pander to it sometimes.
personally either call him out on it, and allow the fall out (we have, which means it’s easier for us to call it out when it’s on the extreme end), or his humour him and laugh about it behind his back. has he had any mental health issues that your aware of?

If he had an abusive childhood with multiple siblings it’s likely this developed as a coping mechanism for getting attention and his needs met. If others were ill and needed more attention it might actually have been a threat to him, leading to greater likelihood of abuse/neglect. I’m not saying this to excuse his behaviour but it can be understood maybe.
I don’t know the best way to deal with it. Feeding into might make it worse but on the other hand I don’t think it can just be ignored away either. Isn’t he likely to just up his attempts?
If he tries to change the subject when someone is talking about their illness or whatever it is I think I’d say something like ‘I know dad you’ve said about your cold/sore foot/boil. I hope you are ok and you really should see the doctor/pharmacist. But we are talking about Freddie’s cough just now’. Then go back to your original discussion with no more reference to his ailment. You’ve given attention and advice and showed empathy and that’s the end of it. Everyone in the family needs to take the same approach.

I'm another one with a Dad like this, but mine extends beyond illness into everything I ever do.

I'm studying a post grad course in Environmental Science, anything I mention he knows all about it from his O level geography in the 1960s.

I mentioned not sleeping well due to menopause, he scoffed that he must be going through the menopause as well as he doesn't sleep. It's irrelevant that he's a man plus doesn't have to get up at 6am to go to work. He suffers more than me.

He thinks that he, as an older man, is more in 'danger' than a young woman out at night on his own, or to be stared at while swimming, or whatever.

He basically knows everything, suffers more than everyone. He's exhausting to talk to. And he thinks that women have too many rights these days and we need Mens' Lib.

And breathe...

Thank you for the opportunity to vent!

Solidarity. My mother is like this. The most recent one that stunned me into silence was her telling me that her experience going through the menopause was far worse than my experience going through cancer. (Which, by the way, has put me into early menopause...)

The grey rock technique really comes into play when dealing with her although admittedly it was very hard to not react negatively to that!

This is my mum. It's so boring. No one can possibly be poorly without her suddenly being much more poorly. 😆. Over Christmas she was absolutely fine, then my brother had messaged to say his little boy wasn't feeling too good with a rotten cold... The same evening, she's poorly and can't get out of bed to host a family gathering that had been planned for months 🤦. She was in bed for 3 days and there was absolutely nothing wrong with her 🤣. I send a complementary "gws" text and leave it at that and when my kids or my parter and myself are poorly, I don't bother to notify her because I can't be bothered with it then suddenly being about how poorly she is.

I have absolutely no advice of or you besides trying to protect yourself by not bothering to say when you're not feeling well.

Could it be him trying to relate?

Why are you defending him? When you are ill do you say awful things to people?

My mum is similar not horrible words but if she feels ill she can’t think about anything else.

I think that you should have put in the post, that the time he was verbally abusive, he was actually ill. Me, my DP and adult DD have waited to go to hospital early the next morning, in every case it was needed. We know our local A&E and we'd have sat in the freezing waiting room until morning anyway. I used to get a meal deal and take my DP in, he has chronic, complex health issues. It does stem from your Father's childhood, unless he was a shit Dad growing up? You shouldn't have ever ran to his side, but now he's aging, it's more difficult to know when not to.

There’s a family gathering next weekend and he’s already sowing the seeds to not go, because he’s just that unwell that he couldn’t possibly make it.
OP

Let him stay behind. All the family goes without him and switch the phones off for the duration of the gathering as he’s likely to have a —twat— heart attack