Aibu for feeling upset tonight at DH and DB for being a pair of unhelpful gits?

Why did he say "yeah equality!" when you mentioned that you'd left your bag and would have to go back out to get it? This sounds like a complete non sequitur, unless there's additional context.

Asking someone to do something isn't telling them what to do at all. Of course you can ask him to do you a favour, and it would be helpful to add why you're asking - e.g., tired from being out all day when you know he's rested, or dangerous to go alone. He can say no, but if he gets angry just because you ask, that's a much more serious issue.

Ha I'm also a walk-everywhere person and agree 10 minutes is nothing but there are definitely also times I've got in feeling a bit run ragged, got everything in, shoes and coat all off and put away and in "home" mode. And then if I realise I've got to go out again I'll still go "oh bugger that is the very last thing I want to do right now."

Once out it's almost always fine, it's just the bloody thought of the thing. And that's definitely more a winter thing for me. I'm very much a summer person.

My DH would also have offered, and whether or not I took him up on it would depend on whether I was more tired than he was
So it's up to you to judge who is more tired? How kind indeed!

Kindness is when person offers because they know they are less tired and the other trusting that they are as or more tired if they don't offer, rather than then moan and call them names.

I do plenty of things every single day to make my DH's life easier, and he does the same for me. But that doesn't include going out in the dark and cold to get something non-essential from HIS brothers that HE forgot

It really is entertaining g the length some women will go to to justify it to themselves that they deserve to be treated like princesses, bringing in narratives to suit their expectations.

Booh, too dangerous to walk in the dark, even when OP did exactly that, said they didn't have an issue without and were just tired.

A photo ne is an absolute essential at night!

OP suppose carries their joint load of all responsibilities whilst her OH is a lazy bum... Oh wait, she hasn't said this at at all! Even if she did that night, who says he doesn't do it the other 4 days?

Yes, it is nice to do things for those you love that neither want to do be kind. There was nothing wrong at all in asking kindly. What is not on is to expect it and to get angry when the answer is no, or to refer to them as a lazy git.

I agree it is interesting and there's probably a read across to household chores too. E.g. we definitely have some chores we regard as personal, not joint. Which is similar to the problems thing - we definitely see some problems as personal not shared.

Which isn't to say we don't help each other out, we absolutely do and we have a really healthy marriage, it's just a different model of healthy marriage to yours.

I think also - because I don't have a car, I see walking 10 mins as absolutely nothing and I can't really even see it as a "problem" TBH, just a very minor inconvenience. I would have to be very unwell before I felt too exhausted to do it so the whole thing I think feels to me a bit princessey? Perhaps if I usually drove everywhere it would feel more significant

Yeah I think your DH could have helped you out here tbh. My DH would have for me I think. Not sure about your DB though. I'm assuming he has his own kids and was needed for their bedtime. And I think he did host, even if it was just takeaway - he has the clearing up to do.

There are some really interesting philosophical points of view coming out on this thread, the different points of view would probably add up to quite an interesting academic paper.

I think you've struck at the heart of this though - neither DH nor I would see it as "fixing" the other person's probably and nether would there be an expectation with resulting pissed-offed-ness. I think most of the time our immediate reaction wouldn't be "that's your problem/I need to fix it" rather than "you have a problem, how can I (reasonably) help fix it."

And tbh sometimes in this sort of situation the other one will be knackered too/can't face going out again/etc - but I think we'd acknowledge that? Sort of a "oh god, I'd offer to run down and grab it but I'm going to be honest I've had a shit of a day and just can't face it." And then prob offer to sort the kids or whatever while they do the "fix".

Does that make sense? I think there's something in the general approach that we address (reasonable) problems as a shared endeavour, even if they've been caused by only one of us.

I know some mumsnetters are scared of the dark

That is very flippant and dismissive of valid concerns. Many women who are “scared” of walking out at night aren’t scared of the dark but have a healthy fear of the risk of men taking the opportunity to attack them when it’s dark and there’s less likely to be other witnesses/ good visibility

I was once followed home from the train station at 10pm by a man who said he had a knife- he wanted me to take him to my house. I lived with other women at the time and knew 2 of them were out. So I took him to the neighbours’ house (who were all men) and knocked as I had “forgot” my key. I was lucky that day as they could have been out, but they weren’t and scared him off and called the police for me.

I still walk home in the dark out of necessity but I’m a lot more cautious than I was before that incident. And my husband will always go instead/ give me a lift if it saves me walking alone at night.

Please be mindful of how you speak about these things as it comes across as being mocking of the many women who have been attacked while out after dark.

So I agree with the general point of view that it is nice to do things for other people.

But I have to say that I would be incredibly pissed off if my DH carelessly forgot something and then was annoyed with me for not fixing it for him.

I might offer to get it for him - but equally I wouldn't see it as something I had to do and I wouldn't be happy if he expected or demanded it because he was a bit tired and I had WFH that day

doing someone a favour isn’t paternalistic per se. I do him favours all the time too. I run my own business, I have brought to two kids by myself. I don’t need anyone to “fix my mistakes”, I do like having a partner who occasionally can pick up my slack, as I do for him. And who Knows me well enough to know when I have that slack.

I think "perfectly" is stretching it a bit tbh 😂. Most folk are likely to be using their phone overnight/first thing in the morning, it's a way for people to contact you in an emergency, etc. I don't think even my parents know our landline these days. Whereas "wanted to do some work over the weekend" - not an immediate priority for either of us. If there were exacerbating circumstances that increased the urgency I'd usually try to help solve the problem.

In answer to all your other scenarios a lot of the answers for me would be "it depends". I've driven 15 minutes to get my mum some ibuprofen because she was starting mild symptoms she knew had a 50% chance of getting worse overnight. She was in her nightie and hates driving at night. Can't say I desperately wanted to find somewhere open in an unfamiliar part of the country at night but it didn't cross my mind not to go. She does loads for us, we try to do likewise by her.

Teenager - also it depends! Sometimes I've done this whe kid is clearly knackered/has a lot on/needs stuff in the bag/not a massive inconvenience for me. But teenager is currently a good kid who's got his shit together, rarely forgets things and owns his own problems and doesn't try to pass the buck/make it someone else's fault. He makes me tea sometimes and will offer to nip out to the shop if I've forgotten an ingredient we need for dinner or we're out of milk or what have you.

Might be different if he was always leaving his stuff everywhere/being demanding and obstreperous/wasn't willing to put himself out for the benefit of others on occasion! A degree of reciprocity and mutual thoughtfulness is important to me and definitely a value I'm trying to instil in my sons.

This was what I was going to say

I am deeply deeply confused by why the OP is annoyed with her DH over this.

I know some mumsnetters are scared of the dark but the OP is clear that she isn't in that group.

I cant wrap my head around this. So you went to your brothers, you forgot your handbag and you expect your brother or your husband to sort it because they are men, and its a ten minute walk! I cant believe how many peoole agree with this - when did people get so dependent?!

You forgot, just go get it or wait until the morning. Yanbu for asking if db or dh mind but they are quite within their rights to say no. I wfh sometimes, its not easier than when i work from the office, its still stressful, i dont understand the 'who has it hardest' top trumps. You forgot the bag - surely its on you to rectify.

I despair of the whole 'my dh wouldnt let me go in the dark crap' - why on earth is anyone in a relstionship with someone who decides what they can and cant do. Why would anyone choose that?? Just wow. Mind blown. Where are the strong, independent women hiding??

i suggest you tell dh he will have to get the kids stuff out tomorrow morning, you’re really tired. And just go to work leaving it all for him.
mums are rarely facilitated in the morning by their partner preparing all the kids stuff.

I wouldn't like for my partner to take it on himself to fix my mistakes - especially without being asked - that would make me very uncomfortable. It seems paternalistic rather than kind (to me, at least, presumably not to you).

Huh? I said I do plenty of things for DH - never once did I say it had to be "easy and not an inconvenience",

As it happens, my DH does have a history of forgetting things (he's had to come home from work multiple times because he's forgotten things) so my view is probably a bit coloured by that - so no, I don't go out of my way to collect stuff he's forgotten, because that's NOT a habit I'm getting into. He's an adult, he can remember his own shit.

So you only take on things outside of your remit as long as it’s easy and doesn’t inconvenience you?

I don’t understand this attitude, couldn’t do marriage like this or be married to someone who thought that way.

We’re a team so unless he had a history of always forgetting things/taking the piss, there’s no blaming or fault. It’s more, if I can help because my energy levels are higher/ if my husband can avoid me walking around late at night - there’s no question of who’s fault it that we’re at this point but rather, how can I help.

Is it that you feel you always do the lion's share of domestic work and therefore DH owes you a favour? Since you are used to walking around that area in the dark and not bothered by it, I don't see why DH should fetch your bag for you, particularly if you didn't actually ask him. What would have happened if you'd said you were really tired after rushing around all day and lugging the other bags home with the children and the dog, so would he mind collecting it?

My DB or my DH would have walked the bag or collected it, I know that I wouldn’t even have to ask. But saying that, I would be more than happy to go for a brisk stroll and get it myself!

You’d hate living with someone kind? Erm, ok! We certainly are all different!

I don't know what leaving for work at 7.30 has to do with anything.

One of my colleagues gets to work at 7.30 every day and keeps making a point of it to people like it's some sort of moral superiority.

"Yeah Anne, but you leave at 3.30, so......"

Yeh I do daft things like that -even leave my fone on charge @ parents too.

I quite enjoy the trip to collect whatever I’ve forgotten… I do like being on my own tho, so wonder if that part of me does it deliberately? 🤷‍♀️☺️

I do plenty of things every single day to make my DH's life easier, and he does the same for me.

But that doesn't include going out in the dark and cold to get something non-essential from HIS brothers that HE forgot.

Not remotely the same comparisons - OP has been carrying their joint load doing pick up, drop off, looking after the kids, sorting their food.

And sometimes being kind requires discomfort - why wouldn’t you pop out to the shops for your mum/ elderly neighbour?

My comfort isn’t my priority- being a team, family, community often requires putting someone else’s comfort above our own. And they do the same in return (my neighbour is the first to take in my parcels, collect the kids on occasion when I’m running late from work). I’m more than happy to help put her bins out early morning/ late at night, run to the shops, DH mows her lawn. We moan about not having a village but the benefit of a village requires us to also be a villager. Honestly couldn’t be married to a selfish person who puts their comfort above anything else.

It’s is a stupid example because the wife wouldn’t be able to pick the laptop up and someone needs to be in the house with the kids