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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not My Problem

258 replies

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:29

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

OP posts:
SparklyGlitterballs · 17/01/2026 10:01

He was wrong to put the issue solely on to you. It's not a woman's job. He sounds a bit unreliable if he keeps getting sacked from jobs. That must be really unsettling for you.

I'd enquire in and around the school to find out which local childminders serve that school and do wrap around care (they usually like all their charges to be at the same school for logistics) and hope you can find one with availability. Obviously it will be an additional cost, but you seem to have little to no other options.

brokenbics · 17/01/2026 10:01

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:04

If I threw myself down the stairs, it would be a me problem! But yeah, he'd need to deal with it because I'd be in hospital - possibly a psychiatric ward!

Jokes aside, I guess it's the way it was sold to me. He cannot be accountable and he's leaving it to me to sort it. That's why I'm touchy.

Show quote history

I’d be the same as you tbh. Especially given the way he left the job, I wouldn’t be happy at the impact on the family.

LittleBearPad · 17/01/2026 10:01

You don’t sound like a team.

It’s not clear why his parents can’t pick up DC or why you need to ask them?

landlordhell · 17/01/2026 10:00

You should be a team. It’s for both of you to talk about and solve the issue of child care. Don’t have children if you don’t want the responsibility!

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 17/01/2026 10:00

I would say he needs to ask his parents and let him deal with it. So what if he has to go and collect your dc it’s what parents do.
Am I reading this right, he has been sacked from 2 jobs?
That sounds irresponsible,
He also should not be accepting a job without discussing it with you.

stickystick · 17/01/2026 09:57

I don’t have a solution for you beyond suggesting a childminder (as well as or instead of ASC) - however just wanted to say I feel your exasperation and anger that solving his problems always falls on you. It is like having a second child.

Bruisername · 17/01/2026 09:56

How long have you been in your job? I think I’d be reminding him that given his employment history it would be foolish to jeopardise the one steady employment in the family

lessglittermoremud · 17/01/2026 09:54

It sounds like he has been sacked from 2 jobs?! The last one and the one prior?
I think you’re right to be annoyed, when taking this job he should have made it clear to you that he wouldn’t be able to collect the children so that you could BOTH discuss what the best option may be.
Is there a childminder that does pick ups from your school? Mine is collected from school by his childminder twice a week instead of him having to go to after school
club, she keeps hold of him until by DH can pick him up.
It is a problem you both need to have a think about it, but I’d be really chomping if he keeps getting sacked and then refuses to help with the solution of childcare.

Bruisername · 17/01/2026 09:51

Do you have a university close by? I know people who have had uni students help out

Original poster
FumingFeline · 17/01/2026 09:50

JessicaRabbit23 · 17/01/2026 09:34

Why don’t you just ‘get the sack’ because I’m guessing you had to call in sick in the end? Il never forget when I had to work evenings it was hell and can turn any relationship with small issues into massive issues. Luckily I always did the school runs I never had any other options. It sounds to me he doesn’t know when he will finish his new job? Maybe this is not clear and men are afraid to ask about simple things

This week wasn't a problem because his parents collected DC. This is why I was so surprised (and resentful) when he decided to let me know I have a new problem to sort out... On a Friday night.... With only the weekend to come up with a solution! 🫠

I used to do twilight shifts when DC was in nursery which was awful.

I love my current job and the evening work I do is a favourite part of my role, but it's a long shift because I work my usual hours in the day.

OP posts:
Kittyloulou · 17/01/2026 09:49

When my DD’s were at school and we couldn’t pick them up we had a childminder who did it and we’d pick them up from her house when we finished work. She did loads of after school pick ups. They even did their homework at her house and she provided snacks. There were about 5 kids there at any given time and the DDs loved it. Made great friends. Look at local childminders.

Anonanonay · 17/01/2026 09:49

But OP, everyone knows that any issue to do with children automatically defaults to the mother. sarcasm

I'd be livid too, in your shoes. Honestly, I firmly tell him HE has to find a solution to the problem he has created, then do nothing and refuse to discuss it any further.

alimac12 · 17/01/2026 09:48

you are both BU. Him for not taking into consideration the previous arrangement and talking discussing it with you. You because you think isn’t his problem. You are a team! Things happen, life happen. You both, together should find a solution, make arrangement when possible.

Bruisername · 17/01/2026 09:47

But why is op part time and working evenings - she’s doing it to help with the childcare and this is at a cost to her.

I've always been part time and there are 2 days a year I need DH to be here (he travels a lot) - I give at least 3 months notice. Pretty much every time he tells me with a weeks notice that he has to be away. So that’s a great way to ensure I don’t expect to be able to rely on him. And yes - we are on the road to divorce!!

Gahr · 17/01/2026 09:42

jjpollypocket · 16/01/2026 22:17

I hate that it’s apparently the mums job for school/nursery or whatever runs, why is it? Why!? I’ve had the exact same argument with my DH funnily enough he also can’t explain why it should be down to me to sort. Why is it that our jobs aren’t as important as theirs? You are NOT being unreasonable!!

Because the OP is part time, in this case. If they were both full time I would agree with you. That said, I agree that the marriage sounds on its last legs.

JessicaRabbit23 · 17/01/2026 09:34

Why don’t you just ‘get the sack’ because I’m guessing you had to call in sick in the end? Il never forget when I had to work evenings it was hell and can turn any relationship with small issues into massive issues. Luckily I always did the school runs I never had any other options. It sounds to me he doesn’t know when he will finish his new job? Maybe this is not clear and men are afraid to ask about simple things

Original poster
FumingFeline · 17/01/2026 09:31

Eenameenadeeka · 16/01/2026 22:23

Your child is a shared responsibility, you are both unable to pick up due to work, so it's equally both of your "problem" responsibility to find childcare. It sounds like it's been stressful for him, losing his job and then quickly finding another. You need to work as a team.

I was rage typing. You're right, it's not a problem, it's a responsibility.

A responsibility I took on when looking for my own job to ensure that my hours aligned with family commitments - including his working hours.

I also ensured to ease his stress by allowing him time to feel sorry for himself and updating his CV for him. I've also ensured he has food on the table when he comes home from his new job because he is home later than he used to be.

To be honest, I feel like I'm pulling my weight in this team!

OP posts:
ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 17/01/2026 09:30

Leave it with him, as you said you would last night. Keep to your word. He can talk to his own parents about his change of circumstances. Don't step in for him on his behalf.

TiredMummma · 17/01/2026 09:28

Why can’t men organise childcare? If the expectation was on my DH to do certain pickups then he needs to organise childcare after school clubs or a nanny or whatever

Blushingm · 17/01/2026 09:21

It’s ’not your problem’?

well it’s both if yours problem as they’re both of your DC?

Original poster
FumingFeline · 17/01/2026 09:13

lottiegarbanzo · 17/01/2026 08:56

Just another sexist twonk who thinks ‘the mother’ has primary responsibility for children and home, whether or not she works.

It’s not about fault it’s about taking responsibility. His circumstances have changed, he needs to follow through dealing with the implications. Asking you to help him would be one thing. Manipulating you into dealing with his mess by threatening to abandon his children is shitty behaviour.

Twonk! 😂 Like that word!

I've recently delegated a few 'life and home' jobs to family members. These are jobs I am particularly rubbish at, not too heavy to carry for others, but just enough to make my life a little less 'oh shit, I forgot because my mental load is like a Jenga game and it keeps toppling over.'

One of his jobs is to monitor milk levels and restock when we're running low. His response was, "but I don't drink milk, so that shouldn't be my job." (He does drink milk). No mate, but DC does, in copious amounts and we don't own a cow therefore I'm making it your (not too labour intensive) job.

OP posts:
Chocdown · 17/01/2026 09:13

Reading some of these responses telling you to just sort it made me feel angry on your behalf OP! He accepted a new job without even considering the impact on childcare, because he knew you were there to sort it for him after the fact. That is intensely annoying and says a lot about the dynamic of your relationship generally. I suspect it’s not about just this one incident, it’s a general trend of leaving problems to you to solve and you’ve, understandably, had enough.

That being said, if you aren’t happy with the elderly relative alternative then you really do need to work on it together. If you want it to be entirely his problem to solve then you are giving up your right to veto his solution, imo.

But I would, over the longer term and in a calmer state of mind, address the imbalance that is causing the underlying resentment. It will just fester otherwise.

RandomMess · 17/01/2026 09:09

Shock horror he may have to talk to his new manager about his limitations on being able to stay late as he has childcare responsibilities!

YANBU to be angry that he has dumped the problem on you because you are female.

I hope he finds a solution.

OrangefIuff · 17/01/2026 09:03

It’s not your problem.

But it’s not his problem either.

It’s a shared family problem to solve by collaboration. Pitting it as him vs you will never work.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/01/2026 08:56

Just another sexist twonk who thinks ‘the mother’ has primary responsibility for children and home, whether or not she works.

It’s not about fault it’s about taking responsibility. His circumstances have changed, he needs to follow through dealing with the implications. Asking you to help him would be one thing. Manipulating you into dealing with his mess by threatening to abandon his children is shitty behaviour.