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Original poster

Not My Problem

258 replies

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:29

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

OP posts:
CheshireDing · 17/01/2026 12:43

ACatCalledFawkes it's perfectly normal and reasonable to say when you are offered a job 'thank you very much, please can I confirm with it tomorrow morning' (or similar) or 'thank you very much regarding the working hours....'
All of those are normal conversations and wouldn't stop the money coming in whilst he discusses/negotiates overnight or whatever. He hasn't started the job yet by the sounds of it so he has not lost the money yet and they are not going to withdraw an offer because he said he needed to confirm or because he asked about whether there was the option to tweak his working hours.

Original poster
FumingFeline · 17/01/2026 12:42

Issue resolved after a good sleep and a constructive discussion (Initiated by me).

I think someone asked if I was really angry about him losing his job. Obviously I wasn't thrilled but anger wasn't my reaction - I could see how upset he was with himself. I felt empathy and I expressed it to ensure he knew he wasn't a disappointment. When he told me he lost his job, he apologised for being a "f@#k up."

I used the word 'problem' which has been highlighted multiple times. 'Problem' was reference to the issue with childcare, not my responsibility as a parent is a problem.

I was mirroring his words back to him last night because I wanted him to understand how frustrating the problem feels when it's batted back.

The core issue is more how in most cases, women are burdened with not only making their own careers fit in with family life and partners work, but also being the ones to adapt if anything changes.

My behaviour and the way I handled the problem was to feel angry with the prospect that my job seems less important, and appeared to be threatened. I love my job and it took a long time to find a role I could sustain along with OUR other family dynamics.

DH has a different spin this morning. Apparently there is no issue with GPs helping as they have done. He now says he was referring to when they can't on occasions. I will shoulder this by asking to amend my working day to accommodate school collection. Not what I want to do, but there isn't another option.

He agrees that elderly relative wouldn't be able to do school pick up. This was just a push back on his part and he has somewhat acknowledged it to be.

The new job is 5:00 PM finish. It was advertised as so. This week he's been training with somebody and the only time they have finished roughly on time was when the other employee needed to get back for an appointment.

I think the other part of why I was feeling a little put out is because I have already agreed to collect DC on another day I didn't have to when he was in his previous job. Not because I'm doing the school pick up, because I've already taken on extra to accommodate his new hours. This is not a complaint. I have been completely supportive and helped his transition to go as smoothly as possible without adding more pressure for him. I have capacity to do it, so I will. Last night was the tip of the very tired iceberg for me and I feel I've done enough to make this work already.

OP posts:
Dollos · 17/01/2026 12:40

Not RTFT but have you looked at childminders?

shuggles · 17/01/2026 12:37

@FumingFeline Collection of your children from school isn't your problem?

We have ascended to new levels of crazy, where no man has gone before.

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 17/01/2026 12:31

FumingFeline · 17/01/2026 12:02

I get this, people have their own style of learning.

It is a new health and safety policy that would cost the company millions if the worst was to happen. Negligence potentially causing death to bystanders. This is why it was instant dismissal. He had a disciplinary resulting in a warning the same week he was dismissed, for the same thing.

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@FumingFeline I get that you keep saying he’s a hard worker, but this seems to be a sort of “shield” you hold up so that your brain won’t whisper what other users are saying: “So he got sacked, then found a job, then got sacked from that one, and now’s he’s found another. And dumped his problem in your lap.” And then it’s truly ridiculous, because when a mum (especially single) wants a new job and realizes it will clash with childcare, she doesn’t usually accept the job without a solution; I’ve seen more than one MN thread from women asking for childcare advice before accepting jobs. Cor, it must be lovely to have a wife you can dump it all on!

I don’t know what any of this means about your marriage. IF he keeps fucking up jobs and dumping problems on your lap, resentment will grow. If this can be a wake-up call that you’re not just going to magically sort shite for him, maybe it’ll help. I know I’m a pessimist, but I think the former is more likely than the latter.

Aluna · 17/01/2026 12:28

Other than that this is DH’s problem to solve.

Aluna · 17/01/2026 12:26

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:55

Said elderly relative has been known to go the wrong way round roundabouts! As much as I agree I can't meddle with any solutions put forward, I also can't agree to be okay with DC being put at risk. This solution was a ploy to put pressure on me. He has expressed many times that elderly relative is not capable of doing a school run.

I guess the moral of the story is, women will always carry the mental load. Even if it's to do something lovely, such as go out for a meal! I think I'm getting too old to put up with it!

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If this is true elderly relative needs reporting to the DLA as not fit to drive.

A friend of mine’s father was killed by an elderly driver who did just that.

After 20something boys elderly people have the most accidents.

Queenoftartts · 17/01/2026 12:22

The new job doesn't allow him to pick up from school. But it sounds like hubby is saying though shit it's your problem to sort out.

HazelMember · 17/01/2026 12:20

Redpeach · 17/01/2026 12:09

I cant believe couples dont work through these problems together

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Are you new to MN and life generally?

FullLondonEye · 17/01/2026 12:19

FumingFeline · 17/01/2026 12:02

I get this, people have their own style of learning.

It is a new health and safety policy that would cost the company millions if the worst was to happen. Negligence potentially causing death to bystanders. This is why it was instant dismissal. He had a disciplinary resulting in a warning the same week he was dismissed, for the same thing.

Show quote history

Honestly he sounds worse and worse with each post you write.

FullLondonEye · 17/01/2026 12:17

ElleintheWoods · 17/01/2026 11:28

Honestly, you guys need some relationship counselling.

There is a proble to solve, i.e. school pickups now that your schedules have changed. And instead of coming together as a team and looking for solutions, you are playing the blame game and pointng fingers at each other. That's not what being a couple is about. Being in a family means you all work together and help each other so you can all thrive, him, you, the kids.

If he hadn't found a job so quickly, you'd have been on here posting that he is unemployed and not paying bills.

Jobs with flexible hours are hard to come by. It's often the qustion of having a job with set hours, or not having a job at all.

Stop fighting, make each other some nice food, and sit down and brainstorm how these pickups can be covered.

I accepted a job with odd hours in the middle of nowehere once because I was miserable in the old one and desperate to get out. We only had one car at the time. What did my partner do? He woke up early every morning to drop me off until we found another solution. This is what coming together means, not 'up to you to sort out, good luck, bye'

Yes but presumably you didn't accept the new job knowing you couldn't do the pick ups and then just say to your husband "I can't pick up the children anymore. What are you going to do about it" and refuse to have any further input?

Of course you didn't.

aCatCalledFawkes · 17/01/2026 12:14

CheshireDing · 17/01/2026 12:12

I can't believe he didn't discuss the working hours at interview or when he was offered the role and think about whether those hours would work/say thank you for the offer I will come back to you to confirm. That's what normal people do if they have responsibilities

What even when they have no money coming in? This isn't career move, he's been sacked and needs a new job.

aCatCalledFawkes · 17/01/2026 12:13

Is it not a family problem?

Surely him working is better than not working and the fact he found a job so quickly given he was sacked means you don't stand to lose any money. Can you not both think about a babystter or paying a childminder? It doesn't sound like a great marriage TBH if your response to the new job is to start arguing about what time he finishes. I

f work says he has to be there until late that's what he has to do or he leaves over the childcare issues which leaves you all worse off. I don't think this is for just you to resolve but its really entitled to act like he can just go in to the new work place and demand the hours he works around childcare in the first week.

CheshireDing · 17/01/2026 12:12

I can't believe he didn't discuss the working hours at interview or when he was offered the role and think about whether those hours would work/say thank you for the offer I will come back to you to confirm. That's what normal people do if they have responsibilities

Nanny0gg · 17/01/2026 12:11

FumingFeline · 17/01/2026 08:44

It is fantastic he has a new job. As mentioned I was supportive. I didn't panic because I know his character and I was of sound mind that he would do everything in his power to get another job. I updated his CV at his request (the CV I created for him when he lost another job).

Yes, we all make mistakes. That's how we learn. That's not the issue. (Although I could argue it was a careless mistake that he did TWICE resulting in instant dismissal). The issue is that he's now firmly planted the childcare problem in my lap to resolve. I will because what choice is there. But it doesn't feel great that the pressure is on me to manage yet another problem.

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He's not very reliable, is he?

Redpeach · 17/01/2026 12:09

Applecup · 17/01/2026 12:05

I can't believe the amount of people who think it is the OP's responsibility to sort out a problem which was her husband's making.

I cant believe couples dont work through these problems together

Applecup · 17/01/2026 12:05

I can't believe the amount of people who think it is the OP's responsibility to sort out a problem which was her husband's making.

hannonle · 17/01/2026 12:03

If he thought the job had fixed finishing time, why can't he talk to work and say he can be flexible on (these days) but needs to leave at normal finishing time on (needed days).
They would probably work with him on that.

Original poster
FumingFeline · 17/01/2026 12:02

Gwenhwyfar · 17/01/2026 10:51

"(Although I could argue it was a careless mistake that he did TWICE resulting in instant dismissal)."

Depending on what it is, it could be totally understandable. I work by habit so I wouldn't necessarily be able to follow a new policy straight away.

I get this, people have their own style of learning.

It is a new health and safety policy that would cost the company millions if the worst was to happen. Negligence potentially causing death to bystanders. This is why it was instant dismissal. He had a disciplinary resulting in a warning the same week he was dismissed, for the same thing.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/01/2026 12:00

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:40

A new policy came in. He made the same mistake twice in the space of a week.

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Can you be fired just like that? Gross misconduct? Shouldn’t he have had warnings first?

Also isn’t a year now before his rights kick in and not 2?

Whats the back story here?

FullLondonEye · 17/01/2026 11:57

Gahr · 17/01/2026 09:42

Because the OP is part time, in this case. If they were both full time I would agree with you. That said, I agree that the marriage sounds on its last legs.

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That doesn' explain or excuse him essentially telling her that anything to do with their kids is all her responsibility to sort out.

Many posters seem to be missing the point here. It's not about the fact that his hours have changed and he can't pick the kids up. It's that under those circumstances he didn't speak to her to say that 'we' have a problem and 'we' need to work it out. He jusy told her he can't do it and she has to sort it out. Not 'they' have to sort it out. She does - and then he pushed back when she tried to make it a 'we' problem to deal with together.

No. It's 2026. We need to stop accepting the studied and deliberate incompetence. I hope my daughters grow up to be lesbians because I'm despairing about the quality (or lack of) among the men out there and don't want them to have to deal with this bullshit.

Laughinglama · 17/01/2026 11:55

For those who think its difficult to get sacked it really does depend on the industry, sounds like th DH is in the trade/factory/production type industry to of previously been able to do the job and finish, also to of picked another job up so quickly. In these industries its very poorly regulated in terms of employment conditions (whether thats legal or not is another argument) often no HR/ big corporation, if your face doesn’t fit or u ‘make a mistake’ or a customer complains its cya, don’t bother coming back. Multiple friends and family (male) work in these industries i have seen it time and time again. In the same context they experience a very dim response to childcare duties - a friends partner asked for paternity leave and was met with a basically WTF response and again thats quite standard, flexible working - regardless of if its legal or not generally frowned upon, and would probably be used against them. just putting some context into the difficulties he may face- not saying its right or i agree, but i feel on MN many have corporate jobs and can’t relate to areas/ industries that aren’t quite as regulated.

In terms of the situation its difficult but i imagine he just wanted to get another job to ensure there was money coming in quickly which isn’t ideal but whats the alternative… not working until the right hours come along.

Agreed it shouldn’t just be down to the OP it should be a joint effort to sort, his attitude hasn’t been the best on that front. But OP he is abit tied if his job requires him to finish at say 5- what would you like him to do ? I would look into a childminder.

Bruisername · 17/01/2026 11:49

Easterchicken · 17/01/2026 11:48

Sounds a super healthy supportive relationship you have there

I'm confused though why he can't do it if he's unemployed

Did you read the opening post? He’s not unemployed

Easterchicken · 17/01/2026 11:48

Sounds a super healthy supportive relationship you have there

I'm confused though why he can't do it if he's unemployed

Dollyfloss · 17/01/2026 11:48

KaleidoscopeSmile · 17/01/2026 11:01

Another thread half full of men's right activists - or handmaidens

This.

Can smell them and the dank mouldiness of their bedsits a mile off.