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Original poster

Not My Problem

258 replies

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:29

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

OP posts:
rainonfriday · 17/01/2026 17:34

Pollqueen · 16/01/2026 21:38

If his parents helped out in his old job, can they not help out now? Not sure why you're so angry at him

Because he's saying childcare = women's work, he's caused a problem and is telling OP it's her job to fix it, threatening to put DC into an unsafe situation to score points in an argument with OP, refusing to take any responsibility for being a parent himself.

MorningActivity · 17/01/2026 17:12

YourLoyalPlumOP · 17/01/2026 15:52

I mean. Both of you are the parent

if my child was not being able to be picked up I would see it as my issue too. It’s my child.

I couldn’t just leave it to my husband as it’s my child.

Show quote history

It’s funny because clearly her dh thinks he can indeed leave it all to the OP and wash his hands about it. Despite the fact theyre HIS children too…..

MorningActivity · 17/01/2026 17:10

@FumingFeline quite happy to see you’ve found some sort of agreement there.

I think theres probably a need to have a chat either way your dh re responsibilities.
Because all of this came because
1- he took a job wo checking if it would work re childcare. Probably assuming the priority was getting a job. And the heck with anything else.
2- he did that wo talking to you at all. I sure that if he had been honest from the start, you’d have immediately pointed out the issue. It wouldn’t have appeared as an urgent and no time to sort it out problem.

atm he doesn’t see sorting out childcare as his responsibility. You were right about that. And I’m not sure he has changed there at all.

MorningActivity · 17/01/2026 17:05

Viviennemary · 17/01/2026 12:46

You would have more problems if he didnt have a job and no money was coming in from him. You need to work together to find a solution. If you're only part-time why can't you adjust your hours.

Theyd Also have a much bigger issue if the OP looses her job because she can’t work evenings all because her dh doesn’t try and sort the issue. Esp as the issue is here because he took a job wo checking if it was fitting with their family commitments.
As seen by the dh reaction when she proposed to stop working to do the school pick ups…..

Happyher · 17/01/2026 16:54

Tell him to request flexible working

Notmyreality · 17/01/2026 16:26

Good to see you working together as a team there OP. Top relationshiping.

Matildahoney · 17/01/2026 16:24

He really shouldn't have taken the job without this situation bring sorted first.

jbm16 · 17/01/2026 16:11

It's BOTH your problem.. Something has to give, if neither your employers are willing to be flexible, I think either one of you need to find another job, or find some proper after school care, but that will be additional cost...

WearyAuldWumman · 17/01/2026 16:09

FumingFeline · 17/01/2026 08:44

It is fantastic he has a new job. As mentioned I was supportive. I didn't panic because I know his character and I was of sound mind that he would do everything in his power to get another job. I updated his CV at his request (the CV I created for him when he lost another job).

Yes, we all make mistakes. That's how we learn. That's not the issue. (Although I could argue it was a careless mistake that he did TWICE resulting in instant dismissal). The issue is that he's now firmly planted the childcare problem in my lap to resolve. I will because what choice is there. But it doesn't feel great that the pressure is on me to manage yet another problem.

Show quote history

The bottom line is that your husband effed up and lost his job. Yes, we all make mistakes, but he's leaving you to deal with a mess that he made.

Delphiniumandlupins · 17/01/2026 16:06

Could he take on more involvement with DC in the morning if he starts work later? Just to reinforce for both of you that you make adjustments where necessary and it's not always down to you. Glad that you've had a calm discussion today and, hopefully, reached a solution.

YourLoyalPlumOP · 17/01/2026 15:52

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:29

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

I mean. Both of you are the parent

if my child was not being able to be picked up I would see it as my issue too. It’s my child.

I couldn’t just leave it to my husband as it’s my child.

Inertia · 17/01/2026 15:46

jsecure · 17/01/2026 15:27

You both should put heads together and sort it. Work as a team. There are many childminder services where they include pickup from school and holding a child for an hour or two. If neither of you can pick up the child and nobody else can step in, this is the answer. Don't waste time being mad at each other; get on and sort it.

Show quote history

The OP did try to work together with her husband to sort it. He refused to do any work to come up with safe solutions, and insisted it was OP’s issue to sort out on her own, despite the problem being a direct result of the husband getting sacked.

As other posters have said, you can only work as a team when your team mate is prepared to share the workload and work with you.

jsecure · 17/01/2026 15:27

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:29

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

You both should put heads together and sort it. Work as a team. There are many childminder services where they include pickup from school and holding a child for an hour or two. If neither of you can pick up the child and nobody else can step in, this is the answer. Don't waste time being mad at each other; get on and sort it.

LucyLoo1972 · 17/01/2026 15:27

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:40

A new policy came in. He made the same mistake twice in the space of a week.

Show quote history

that seems harsh tbh

igelkott2026 · 17/01/2026 15:26

housethatbuiltme · 17/01/2026 14:19

It insanely sad when parents argue over who should have parental responsibility because neither wants to put their child first. Deadbeat parenting at its finest, I cannot image a scenario in this world where I would describe my own young child as 'not my problem'.

The second you have children they become the number one responsibility in your life until they are no longer dependent. Kids aren't dumb, they will grow up to know you both resent the impact they have on your life and how they inconvenience you.

Instead of arguing over who has to be a parent you just needs to grow up and step up to your actual responsibilities. Jobs and money come and go but you choose to bring a child who needs you into the world.

So you mean the OP has to give way and sort it because she's the mother?

How many times does that happen I wonder.

igelkott2026 · 17/01/2026 15:25

It insanely sad when parents argue over who should have parental responsibility because neither wants to put their child first. Deadbeat parenting at its finest, I cannot image a scenario in this world where I would describe my own young child as 'not my problem

yes and this often happens when couples divorce and then say "it's not my weekend to have the kids". Tough - it's your kids. Ridiculous attitude to have.

But in this I agree with the OP. Her husband has changed jobs and changed the scenario - so he should be sorting out childcare. It always falls to the woman. Why?

MyCrushWithEyeliner · 17/01/2026 14:58

BadgernTheGarden · 17/01/2026 14:52

He had to get another job and he did so pretty instantly, would you prefer him to wait until one comes up that allows him to do the pick ups? Can you manage if he didn't have a job for a few months waiting for the right one?

Why do you think the elderly relative shouldn't be driving? And how old are they? And it seems you still have his parents to fall back on, seems like you are picking a fight over nothing really.

The elderly relative has been known to go the wrong way round a roundabout 😳

BadgernTheGarden · 17/01/2026 14:52

He had to get another job and he did so pretty instantly, would you prefer him to wait until one comes up that allows him to do the pick ups? Can you manage if he didn't have a job for a few months waiting for the right one?

Why do you think the elderly relative shouldn't be driving? And how old are they? And it seems you still have his parents to fall back on, seems like you are picking a fight over nothing really.

GCAcademic · 17/01/2026 14:44

housethatbuiltme · 17/01/2026 14:19

It insanely sad when parents argue over who should have parental responsibility because neither wants to put their child first. Deadbeat parenting at its finest, I cannot image a scenario in this world where I would describe my own young child as 'not my problem'.

The second you have children they become the number one responsibility in your life until they are no longer dependent. Kids aren't dumb, they will grow up to know you both resent the impact they have on your life and how they inconvenience you.

Instead of arguing over who has to be a parent you just needs to grow up and step up to your actual responsibilities. Jobs and money come and go but you choose to bring a child who needs you into the world.

The OP has repeatedly said that it is not “her” problem because it is “their” problem. She objects, rightly, to her husband seeing it as her problem to solve.

MunterJobHunter · 17/01/2026 14:27

It insanely sad when parents argue over who should have parental responsibility because neither wants to put their child first. Deadbeat parenting at its finest, I cannot image a scenario in this world where I would describe my own young child as 'not my problem

this is yet another situation where the woman is expected to do all the administrative work for her husband while he Gets to chop and change his life and job and leave her to deal with the consequences. She is not his secretary and his child’s wellbeing and care is his equal responsibility. It’s nothing to do with OP not wanting parental responsibility and everything to do with her not wanting to be her husbands unpaid secretary and do all the additional mental and administrative load that he seems happy to leave her with. He is not her child and she doesn’t owe him a responsibility to sort the problems of his own doing.

If she continually deals with the problems that arise from his chaos then he has no incentive to stop being chaotic because she will pick up the pieces each and every time. A week of him having to sort this out should allow him to see the sacrifices he expects her to make without so much as a heads up warning or a ln adult conversation about it

Foggytree · 17/01/2026 14:26

How old are the kids - can they get themselves home?
Or can they stay at one of their friends houses after school?

WiltedLettuce · 17/01/2026 14:21

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:08

Fair enough! I don't feel I am. I feel he passed it over to me so matter of fact and he isn't able or prepared to find a solution. He's come at it from a 'what are you going to do about it' attitude. Not what shall we do for the best in this new situation we find ourselves in.

Show quote history

I would tell him that you're not going to do anything about it and you're going to make sure his number is the first number that the school calls.

housethatbuiltme · 17/01/2026 14:19

It insanely sad when parents argue over who should have parental responsibility because neither wants to put their child first. Deadbeat parenting at its finest, I cannot image a scenario in this world where I would describe my own young child as 'not my problem'.

The second you have children they become the number one responsibility in your life until they are no longer dependent. Kids aren't dumb, they will grow up to know you both resent the impact they have on your life and how they inconvenience you.

Instead of arguing over who has to be a parent you just needs to grow up and step up to your actual responsibilities. Jobs and money come and go but you choose to bring a child who needs you into the world.

CluelessAboutBiology · 17/01/2026 14:16

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:40

A new policy came in. He made the same mistake twice in the space of a week.

Show quote history

That’s a bit harsh of the employer

Pherian · 17/01/2026 14:13

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:29

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

I think you’re both being unreasonable. Instead of working your schedules out and figuring out what you need to do for your kids - you’re both acting like morons.