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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not My Problem

258 replies

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:29

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

OP posts:
Sunnyjac · 16/01/2026 22:17

Sounds like there are ongoing issues between you and this is one of those things that adds to your load. Childcare should be a joint issue but he’s not taking that approach so it’s completely understandable that you’re angry.

jjpollypocket · 16/01/2026 22:17

I hate that it’s apparently the mums job for school/nursery or whatever runs, why is it? Why!? I’ve had the exact same argument with my DH funnily enough he also can’t explain why it should be down to me to sort. Why is it that our jobs aren’t as important as theirs? You are NOT being unreasonable!!

Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:12

Taweofterror · 16/01/2026 22:05

I think you're both being really odd to be honest. I guess that's a symptom of things not being great between you.

In a healthy relationship you would have discussed and decided between you what to do about the new job and childcare i.e. decided together whether he should take it and how the childcare could or would be covered.

A solution to the childcare issue should have been sought before accepting the job. Did he just not tell you about the new hours or did you know but assume he'd find a solution? You seem to be operating as two individuals rather than a couple.

I think there is some truth in your opinion.

I'm not in the headspace to reflect on it right now though.

OP posts:
PurpleTinsel555 · 16/01/2026 22:10

Of course it’s possible you’re both tired and at the ends of your tether, but you don’t strike me as two people who should be married anymore. The contempt is palpable.

Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:08

butimamonstersaidthemonster · 16/01/2026 21:44

Child care is both your responsibility’s and you need to work together. stop being petty.

Fair enough! I don't feel I am. I feel he passed it over to me so matter of fact and he isn't able or prepared to find a solution. He's come at it from a 'what are you going to do about it' attitude. Not what shall we do for the best in this new situation we find ourselves in.

OP posts:
Uhghg · 16/01/2026 22:07

YANBU to feel angry that you are the default parent.

However, I am not sure what you expect him to do if he’s exhausted all other options.

His only other option would be to leave this job.

You can’t expect his parents to do it but perhaps he could ask them in the short term but if they can’t then they can’t.

Has he exhausted all other options such as afterschool clubs etc?

Taweofterror · 16/01/2026 22:05

I think you're both being really odd to be honest. I guess that's a symptom of things not being great between you.

In a healthy relationship you would have discussed and decided between you what to do about the new job and childcare i.e. decided together whether he should take it and how the childcare could or would be covered.

A solution to the childcare issue should have been sought before accepting the job. Did he just not tell you about the new hours or did you know but assume he'd find a solution? You seem to be operating as two individuals rather than a couple.

Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:04

BlanketBlues · 16/01/2026 21:44

Why is it not a problem for both of you? If you Fall Down the Stairs and break your leg is that also Only a you problem? Atleast he has a Job? I agree his attitude suck but it is not just his problem either?

If I threw myself down the stairs, it would be a me problem! But yeah, he'd need to deal with it because I'd be in hospital - possibly a psychiatric ward!

Jokes aside, I guess it's the way it was sold to me. He cannot be accountable and he's leaving it to me to sort it. That's why I'm touchy.

OP posts:
Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:00

Obscurity · 16/01/2026 21:44

Can his parents still pick-up the ‘slack’?

Show quote history

Well I assumed so. This is why I'm so shocked at this disclosure. He hasn't said there is a reason. We're both tired. I've asked that we put this on the shelf tonight because I don't want an argument when we're not in the right frame of mind.

OP posts:
Bruisername · 16/01/2026 21:59

How many nights a week?

Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:57

Pollqueen · 16/01/2026 21:38

If his parents helped out in his old job, can they not help out now? Not sure why you're so angry at him

I'm angry because all our of the blue, there seems to be an issue with childcare, and it somehow naturally falls on me to sort it when he was sacked. The only reason I can think why his parents aren't an option anymore is because he won't be able to collect DC until much later and he'll need to travel further to collect her from them.

OP posts:
Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:54

ClaredeBear · 16/01/2026 21:36

Is this resentment due to the way he lost his job? Because usually this would be worked out together. Why was he sacked?

You've stumped me. Probably many reasons. He wasn't happy in his job which he has been in for just under two years. He was sacked prior which is why he ended up in the one he was just sacked from. 🫩 Well done if you're keeping up!! We've had our problems and worked hard to be better for our DC, but I guess lack of accountability in many areas. I was taken back by this sudden disclosure that childcare isn't covered.

OP posts:
SorcererGaheris · 16/01/2026 21:51

ApolloandDaphne · 16/01/2026 21:35

If he has been sacked surely he is free to do all drop offs and pick ups?

@ApolloandDaphne

He already has another job.

Obscurity · 16/01/2026 21:49

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:47

He is not a slacker - I'll give him that. He got back into work within two days.

I'm not 100% sure. I assumed they still would. They would have DC later and it would mean he has to go out of his way to collect her. I'm MC with his parents for various reasons.

Show quote history

That’s the first thing you guys do, ask the GPs.

If yes, great, no problem!
If no, then you both need to put your heads together, think out of the box, and come up with a solution. There is always a solution, you just need to find it!

Edit: Yes, YABU. It’s a both of you problem, not just your husbands.

Hankunamatata · 16/01/2026 21:48

He looks for childminder instead of afterschool club?

Bruisername · 16/01/2026 21:48

I get you OP - my DH used to complain we didn’t go out for dinner together because I didn’t arrange babysitters. Queried why he couldn’t and he struggled to give an answer that wasn’t ’because You’re the mum’

if you want him to resolve it then you can’t get involved at all - so the elderly relative (would they really do this long term?) you can’t really argue against. If it’s his problem you can’t meddle

it sounds like you need to consider paid childcare though so I would help him with that.

Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:47

Shinyandnew1 · 16/01/2026 21:35

He got sacked from a job last week but now has a new job? That's very fast. Why was he sacked!

If his parents pick up from after school club when he can't do it, why can't they do it now when he/you can't do it?

He is not a slacker - I'll give him that. He got back into work within two days.

I'm not 100% sure. I assumed they still would. They would have DC later and it would mean he has to go out of his way to collect her. I'm MC with his parents for various reasons.

OP posts:
butimamonstersaidthemonster · 16/01/2026 21:44

Child care is both your responsibility’s and you need to work together. stop being petty.

BlanketBlues · 16/01/2026 21:44

Why is it not a problem for both of you? If you Fall Down the Stairs and break your leg is that also Only a you problem? Atleast he has a Job? I agree his attitude suck but it is not just his problem either?

Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:44

ApolloandDaphne · 16/01/2026 21:35

If he has been sacked surely he is free to do all drop offs and pick ups?

He already has a new job. The hours don't enable him to collect from ASC when I'm working evenings.

OP posts:
Obscurity · 16/01/2026 21:44

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:29

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

Can his parents still pick-up the ‘slack’?

WallaceinAnderland · 16/01/2026 21:41

Do what you did before. Let his parents pick up if they are willing to do so.

Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:40

BlanketBlues · 16/01/2026 21:32

What is his mistake? Was it his fault he got fired?

A new policy came in. He made the same mistake twice in the space of a week.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 16/01/2026 21:39

Assuming he was sacked from one job and now has a new job that means he can't do pick ups?

Although it is a "him problem" and he has gone about this the wrong way, you do both need to work on this.

But in your shoes i would just keep putting it on him to find the solutions (at least to begin with)

Catza · 16/01/2026 21:39

Well, it's pretty shit isn't it. He knows you will sort it so he doesn't have to bother. Why is he insisting YOU ask another mum? Why doesn't he ask her himself?
Bloody useless!

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