To feel I’ve failed DD because she has no friends

Keep trying with the out if school clubs, she will find her people at high school.

My two dd’s were the same. Turns out one has autism and ADHD. The other I suspect has autism.
one found their tribe at secondary following attendance at a youth trust. The other one with ADHD is struggling as wants to have friends but struggles if they’re in bigger groups esp as the new school they have is open plan and has all sorts of smells and is noisy. She’s anxious about talking to even her 3-4 friends she has if there’s more than one. Anyway dd is trying and has had a couple of days going round our local small town. I think it comes with development and age and experiences.
it might be worth checking neurodivergence as a possibility. It helps to know as then there are coping mechanisms you can try.

Not everyone is or wants to be 'popular' and it takes time to find that one special friend. She will definitely have more peers to connect with at secondary and find what she enjoys.

I moved schools several times as a child, different countries, so haven't developed any friendships from primary but amazing ones once settled in secondary.

Don't be so hard on yourself, kids develop confidence and friendships at different ages. Xxx

I’d say I’m quite a friendly person, made an effort with other mums but my daughter still had friendship issues in yr5/6. There were so many hard times with her. I was dreading secondary but it’s like she’s started again and has made friends more easily.

I’m old (50s) but I only had 2-3 friends at secondary and similar at primary (although my ‘best’ friend had loads of other friends and was very popular (funnily enough we are still close today - I’ve kept her as a friend from primary and one friend from secondary).
There was a big group in my year that went around together, met up socially and while I was friendly with a few of them in school to chat to, I was never brought in to the group (and I as desperate to find a social group). My parents did no socialising with other parents at primary.

At about 14 I joined a youth group outside school and that’s where I met my tribe and they’re still most of my closest friends today. Def important to find activities/groups out of school as then you don’t put as much importance on school social activities. As an adult I’ve found it much easier to make friends.

My DC struggled to various extents at school socially. Primary was good for DS but not great for DD. Start of secondary was good as everyone is keen to make friends, but in year 9 I found there was a big shake down in puberty/wanting to be ‘cool’, then it’s better again in sixth form.

My daughter didn't really find her tribe until university and work.

Speaking from experience, try to avoid giving the impression that you're worried about her lack of friendships. It doesn't feel great to suspect that your parents think you're 'weird' or failing somehow if you don't have enough friends or aren't having the type of social life they had/wanted to have at your age.

If she's speaking to you about wanting more friends, support her with ideas, but if she's not apparently worried, it may not be an issue for her right now.

Most kids make new friends at secondary. A fresh start for her. Her friendships are up to her though. Be careful not to make her feel too conscious of it.
You haven't failed her and she hasn't failed you. It's not a failure.

It's a developmental phase... Albeit a horrible one. Y7 should bring a wider choice of people to be friends with. Make your DD appreciate that you really don't need friends who are cliquey and disloyal. Making friends in an activity outside of school is also a great way to meet kids from other schools or try to get to some Y7 meet ups so she has friends before she even goes.

Mine changed school during lockdown and just couldn't find their tribe. It's horrible but it doesn't make you a bad parent or them a bad person.

I never found the mom tribe thing of any huge interest so you are not on your own there.

I expanded on DD’s existing interests away from school which helped somewhat. Art classes, tennis (there were other children there who she played and spoke with, but they never visited home, that was a Saturday thing, social enough to know how to interact and share).

she is 28 now and has fitted into society and a great job where she spends a lot of time with other people. When she comes and visits she isn’t keen on going out, says she has enough of that when back at hers/work.

as long as your Gal is happy, healthy, physically active, and interested in life (reads, can entertain herself etc) I wouldn’t worry too much.

Just keep an eye that depression doesn’t set in, esp with ‘girl groups’ at school, they can start getting nasty at this later age and turn against their own.

Please don't worry my daughter was like this too. Year 7 is a massive change and I know my daughter was very anxious through this. I'm not saying this to worry you, more to let you know year 7 might be also have its challenges. However, my daughter is now 14 and the situation is completely different. She has lovely friends and and even a very sweet boyfriend (that's new, still not sure how I'm feeling about that). I think it's difficult when you're a parent because you worry about them all the time and when they don't seem to have the same relationships you had at that age you worry. I'm sure your daughter will find her tribe when she's ready though so please try not to worry.

Did you do plenty of inviting kids round in the infant years and early juniors?
If not, why not?

Often kids connect a lot better in a 1:1 scenario at that age when they don't feel they are competing for others attention, they behave more naturally. This is why having kids over to play occasionally stands them in good stead socially.
Of course for those of us working full time it's not easy but there are Saturday afternoons etc, school holidays. Full time workers do usually get 5 weeks of holiday a year so an occasional school holiday playdate with a friend shouldn't ever be impossible. Children don't care if your house isn't the latest decor or if it's a bit untidy.

I think that’s true and some of the ones who are popular at a young age don’t always pick up the same resilience, so everything seems like a big deal.

I don’t mean “oh it’s character building” even when they’re bullied - obviously that’s a negative experience- but sometimes the ones who face at least some trials do develop a certain resilience- but only if they have the right support and encouragement at home, I think.

If you have it all easy, sometimes you don’t know how to cope when it’s not. Thats not hard and fast - having friends all your life can be a lovely thing, and people can develop in other ways, but I don’t think it’s a simple answer.

Ps. Keep encouraging the friendships and inviting children for play dates and extra curricular activities

Please don’t worry. My daughter was similar and had a very small circle of froends until sixth form when she became more confident. She is now a lovely charming empathetic young lady and has lots of friends I notice some of the girls who were popular when younger have not flourished- it is the hare and tortoise

It's more common than you think and I'm sure your DD will make lots of new friends at secondary. I didn't have any best friends at primary but made some great friends at secondary.
My DD has just started secondary and while she had a great group of friends at primary she has made a completely new set of friends now.

PS: also we tried everything to encourage other activities (music sport theatre etc) and nothing worked for him - would for other sim sure.

My son started year 7 in September 2019. I don’t know if Covid related but he never settled and had no friends right the way through to sixth form. I used to say to him: you just need to find your people. It’s so hard because you don’t want to pressure them but I think they feel it though they say they don’t. Anyway. He moved for sixth form and now has too many friends if anything- he’s never home to do any school work anyway (be careful what you wish for etc 😂). Anyway, just to say it can be a long haul and it’s shit when you’re in it for you and them but I think in the end they find their place. I was the same. I don’t know any of my friends or colleagues who’s kids feel popular or happy at school.

I don't think it is necessarily your fault, and it might well be that your daughter will find more friends in the future. I certainly wish you both that it happens.

But, based on my personal experience, I would say you are going very well trying, and you should continue, also if possible finding ways to get around your daughter resistance to be clubs and similar. And if she wants to try something which is inconvenient due to location and timing, see if you can manage that anyway, at least a few times.
Have her try new things, outside of school, if possible. Maybe if she tried she could like group dancing lessons? Climbing or parkour lessons? Music playing of some kind? Volunteering of some sort? Even just once?
Scouts or similar are of course a great opportunity, if you manage.

I say this because our son lost progressively his friends when changing schools and ended up very lonely. I was hoping things would get better, but he developed a serious mental illness over the last year, leading him to be out of school now for three months (a levels). And I think friendships would have protected him quite a lot from that, or at least from that deteriorating so suddendly.
Over the last year I ended up regretting not having worked hard at finding not opportunities outside of school for him, because when I finally did I found many. And yes, some are inconvenient, but worth, with hindsight.

If she's not bothered, she might not want friends. I'm still like this at 58 and my DF still asks "did you make friends? Why not?"

Hi OP. My DD really struggled at primary. Small village school. Only 5 girls in the class and she was always the one left out and the one without a best friend. The girls weren't mean to her they just didn't include her. She would often cry and say why can't I have a best friend. It was horrible to see. Fast forward to secondary school and she has met 3 new best friends and really flourished. So I agree with the advice on here 😃

My eldest DC was similar. In a class with a "mean girl" group and although she tried to be open and friendly was always on the outside. We had moved before she started school and a lot of friendships had been made at nursery. It did make her tougher and more independent and she developed interests (like sport) outside of school and as an adult has friends all over the world. She has no problems making and maintaining friendships now.

DD was in the same situation in primary. In the end I kept telling her to hang on til secondary and it would get a lot better. It did, but year 7 friendships weren't as straightforward as I'd pictured in my head. She's got so many friends now, but year 7 was a bumpy ride. Just saying this so you don't feel like all hope is lost if there are a few false starts when your DD starts secondary school.

I'm a secondary school teacher and I always found that by the end of the first term, students had forged new friendships not allied to thwir primaty school friendship groups. Things really change in the first year. Do you have a good idea which secondary she will be attending? Maybe get her into an after school club where a mix of feeder school children will be attending.

I don't think it's that much to do with your lack of school parent friends. I was/ am friends with a group of mums. Our kids were friends when under 7, but went very separate ways. Ds is yr11 and hasn't brought a friend round since he was 12. Never goes out with friends. Doesn't talk to anyone outside school. He reckons he's fine that way. He doesn't do small talk, and he has to be right about everything, which doesn't help with other teens.I'm gregarious and sociable, so I just don't get it.

I didn't really have any proper friends until high school though. Knocked about with kids in the street etc, but found my people at 14.