DH is in one of his random moods. Drives me fucking mad

Well, no. Being moody and explaining why would be okay, but random silent treatment really is abuse.

It sounds really annoying OP. It shouldnt be your job to figure out what’s wrong, but my teenage DC try this with me when they’ve lost on a computer game, which fits with what you’ve said about him gaming while you were out.

ExH also used to do it and I only later worked out that it related to affairs. I assume he was being grumpy with me when he’d rowed with someone else 😢

regardless of the ‘why’ though, a good starting point would be to talk to him about it (when he’s not grumpy!) and see what he says.

People can't be in a mood without being accused of abuse. It's ridiculous.

Obviously this doesn’t excuse the appalling physically abusive behaviour of your partner.

Disagree.

You are making excuses. The fact you had anxiety was your issue to sort out, through calm planning in advance, not getting all of a fluster while also dithering and constantly making your partner late.

The fact that a husband might be ‘anxious’ or ‘lonely’ because his wife is about to go out on a night out with friends is not an excuse to be moody with her so as to ruin her evening. a) he needs to use his big boy WORDS and maybe explain b) sort out his anxiety with a therapist c) not ruin his wife’s evening

God give me strength

Ok.. Back to the OP's predicament....
I taught my kids from the time they were confidently verbal with sentences to "use their words". Every sibling disagreement every "big feeling" or agregious thought had to be turned into an "I feel" or "I think" sentence that helped start a conversation that solved problems.
It's been a labour of love.
I love my kids and I did that (and coached them through it and corrected and intervened and praised and corrected and...you get the picture....) because I love them and want them to have those crucial skills.
I never had to coach my husband and frankly I wouldn't have married him if he couldn't "use his words". I wanted a partner not a project.
However, you're not in that place so you need some help. You could take the high road "I feel you're....." "I'm worried about how we communicate ..." "I think there's is an issue with...." .Or you could be more direct and day "we need to see a couples therapist because I don't think we communicate effectively and it's impacting me".
Good luck either way.....

Does he gamble?

Someone doesn't like being wrong

It's shit when people are being grumpy twats, but I'd be a grumpy twat if any adult in my life said "use your words", like I'm a fucking toddler. Maybe that's why he's annoyed.

Oh please. Of course any level of abuse is wrong but just pompously declaring other people haven't been abused when you know nothing about them is just stupid.

Oh please “My abuse was worse than yours.” Or maybe just say any level of abuse wrong ffs.

It must have been when you were kissing me......... 😘

As meatloaf once said

you took the words right outta my mouth!

@Greenlandss · Today 20:12

Abusive controlling men have a habit of causing upset just before women go out with friends and family.

It's deliberate behaviour to stop them from making plans, toxic coercive control.

After years of that poster tolerating it, she snapped. Funny how he copped himself on after that.

I bet she bitterly regrets not taking action years earlier.
She likely would have saved herself years of stress if she had.

Thank you Greendlandss. I appreciate the support. Hmmm, yeah I do wonder why I put up with it for 7-8 years, but I can't turn back time. He wasn't like this for the first 13-14 years we were together (including when we had our 2 DC, 8-9 years after we met,) it started about 13-14 years into our relationship, and when the DC were about 9-10.) (So by the time we were around 40-ish...)

I didn't see it coming, or realise it was happening, and did wonder if it was just me, etc etc. But after so many times - as I said - I snapped, because I was SICK of him sabotaging things I was about to enjoy, and his horrible, passive aggressive moods getting me down, making me cry, and ruining anything nice..... As you say, it's funny how he was fine most of the time after I snapped that one time - and has been OK since, thankfully!!! (Some 15 years ago since this happened, and he 'changed his ways' after 7-8 years of being like this...)

Thanks again. I appreciate it after the horrible and upsetting comments from one particular poster. Saying me being emotionally abused is just my husband being 'grumpy,' and accusing ME of being abusive because I retaliated ONCE is actually disgusting. As I said, I'm not engaging with that poster. Not worth it.

.

Exactly this. Anyone who thinks that the way my husband behaved (as I said in my post from 18.25) is just 'grumpiness,' needs to have a word with themselves. I have no intention of engaging with this poster, but I do find their posts aimed at me upsetting and jarring.

At the time, my DH was manipulative, and moody, and passive aggressive, he controlled my moods, and would deliberately sabotage anything I was looking forward to by being a miserable bastard and causing an argument. He was fucking vile at times, and reduced me to tears, and ruined many an occasion that I was looking forward to.

Got to a point where if I was planning to do something nice/meet a friend/do something with one of our DC, I would say I was just going for a long walk, or doing something alone. Because if he didn't know I was planning on doing something with someone, he wouldn't derail it/sabotage it with his mardy mood, his huffing and moaning, and his sour fucking face.

But hey, being made to feel like shit for nothing, and being reduced to tears by my husband's manipulative, passive-aggressive, moody attitude, is nothing more than him being 'GRUMPY!'

As I said, he was emotionally abusive. I just couldn't see it at the time. The scales fell from my eyes the day I lost my shit with him. The thought of losing me made him mend his ways. Proving that it was orchestrated 'grumpiness!' Created to control me and my moods, and so that HE could decide when I was allowed to enjoy something.

He didn't do it all the time/every time, but probably 1 in 2 times I would say...

.

Oh and while we're at it, you're the one the who commented on my opinion.

Why comment on peoples life experiences? Crazy. Especially when you got it wrong.

Drop the self righteousness maybe?

What a stupid comment. I have been abused. I've been beaten and strangled. That's why I know that being grumpy isn't abuse. Everyone is grumpy sometimes. It's normal.

We only know that the poster who flipped her lid at her husband and behaved in abusive manner telling him to fuck off every time her begged her to speak to him is of the opinion that he was only grumpy when she was going somewhere. It may have been coincidence, he may be grumpy because he doesn't like being left alone, the root of the grumpiness may be anxiety because he doesn't like being left alone. Who knows. My husband used to claim that I didn't respect him because I was only ever late for things that were important to him never to things that were important for me, but that was because I was extremely anxious about letting him down so it would take me a lot longer to be ready for things, it was never about disrespect it was about anxiety. But everyone here would be calling me coercive and abusive 🙄 But we only have her side, he may be grumpy for a completely unrelated reason to her but she's decided to take it personally for whatever reason.

One thing is for sure, abusive men don't stop abusing their partner all together and then behave impeccably for the next 15 years because they had a fit at them once. They just don't. Which is why it's ridiculous to call a run of the mill grumpy husband abusive.

These people have never been abused. That’s good I’m glad for them (genuinely) but why comment on other people’s opinions? Crazy. Emotional abuse is exactly what this person described. There’s literally adverts in TV now about coercive control and one of the examples being portrayed is a man having a problem / ‘being grumpy’ because the woman is going on a night out! I’m not sure this woman’s abuse could have been any more textbook.

Abusive controlling men have a habit of causing upset just before women go out with friends and family.
It's deliberate behaviour to stop them from making plans, toxic coercive control.

After years of that poster tolerating it, she snapped.
Funny how he copped himself on after that.
I bet she bitterly regrets not taking action years earlier.
She likely would have saved herself years of stress if she had.

Yeah - this resonates.

I divorced him and will be celebrating 10 blissful years of peace this summer!

My ex was like that. I’d have to guess what i’d done. In your situation, i’d have guessed it was because I was too long in the hairdresser. Once he didn’t speak to me for 6wks. We have been split 15yrs now and are friends still, but when he tried ignoring our teen son on a holiday I few years ago I blew a gasket with him as I was not having my son have the same silent treatment. It’s abusive and not on. He did seem to take it on board and underneath he isn’t a horrible person, just seems to have silent treatment as his go to mechanism when someone annoys him. I couldn’t live like that.

It’s not actually bad here, pretty mild.

He really does x

It's not - especially when that "grumpiness" is only directed at your spouse.