DH is in one of his random moods. Drives me fucking mad

You are making things up now. The OP never said anything about thinking his gaming is pathetic. She doesn’t even know what the mood is about - THAT is the point. It’s random and unexplained.

The tennis poster - it’s regular and has been communicated so that the tennis player’s parter KNOWS why and how best to deal with it.

It’s crazy making living with someone who is just rude and moody for reasons you have no idea of.

I do think this may play a part in a lot of communication issues - people don't want their worries/upsets/fears to be dismissed as silly or stupid or childish so they don't say anything at all.

Yes, I never said it wasn't.

What if the thing (like losing a game) would be dismissed as pathetic?

there was a poster earlier who said she gets in a mood if she loses at tennis. I can see the mumsnet post saying “my husband lost at tennis now he’s in a mood” would very firmly say he’s childish and should just get over it.

Communication is always an option. Especially as an adult.

Being in random / grumpy moods might be part of human behaviour but is NOT ok to inflict your random mood on other people. Being short, snappy, argumentative, picking fights is unkind behaviour and it’s horrible to be around. Ask me how I know? Now divorced.

It is even worse when the moody person is not even mature enough to explain WHAT the mood is about.

If her DH had said “I lost my game - I need some space” there would be no Msnet post about this.

I feel like your answer really minimised how horrible it is to live with these randomly moody people who dont even explain what their actual issue is.

Agree but sure it’ll be applauded on here

@FlashingFairyLight thank you so much for sharing your story too, and for your understanding and kindness and empathy. Sorry you had to tolerate this kind of shit too.

Also @Beaverbridge and @Agrumpyknitter thank you too... for sharing your experiences and stories. I'm sorry that you had to put up with this too.

Why on earth are so many men like this? Not all men obvs, but it does seem to be a thing in some men. Why? WHY are they like this? As I said, I don't believe that women behave the same. Just arsey, moody, grumpy, and moany for nothing!

It's generally men who are moany, moody, passive aggressive, arsey, and generally just mood-hoovers. who make you question what you're said wrong, or what you're done wrong. There was many a time when I was scratching my head, puzzled to fuckery as to what I had done or said to upset DH and make him arsey and moody, and look at me like this. >>>

I was close to tears so many times with sheer frustration at him being 'funny' and arsey and moody with me AGAIN. And it was (99% of the time) for no reason.

My husband started doing the whole grumpy man routine a few years ago. Every time he did it I would tell him that he needed to work out how to stop it or I would end up leaving him. That I didn’t want to live my life with a grump, that it was draining me and I couldn’t tolerate it. I didn’t scream or shout at him but was just calm and matter of fact each and every time he did it. He didn’t do it for long and soon snapped out of it.

I grew up in an environment where I had a shouty moody dad until my mum left him and I am not going through that or my children. I can’t control what goes on in this world but I can try and create a peaceful and calm home environment.

I used to have one like that too. I said used to because thankfully he took his bad moods and fecked off with OW. She was welcome to him.

So the sad fuck obviously died in one of his shit games and hes making it your problem

@Zov - I've been there too.

It gets to a point where there's been so many chip chip chips out of your optimism, good grace and understanding that you become exhausted. It cracks & you get to the point of 'actually, fuck this shit' and feel like you have nothing left to lose by giving them a true unedited version of how you feel.

Sometimes people acting like twatty bellends need to be met with another twatty bellend to see how fucking stupid, rude & destructive they're being.

Finally feeling the results of his own pathetic behaviour (in my case I walked out & we had a huge summit where I let rip) changed the road with my DH too, although I'm still VERY aware that he's still got that trait within him and I act in my own best interest (escape fund, developing career), life has been so much better for both of us & he acknowledges his previous behaviour was embarrassing and he was badly behaved.

I understand what you did & why and think you were a living breathing human at their wits end.

And good for your friend @Greenlandss for making a stand!

Thanks again @Greenlandss (re your post at 12.53 today.) 😘

There are many reasons why he could have suddenly turned while you were out.

Gambling (and losing)
Talking to another woman
You coming back before he had finished whatever he was doing
Losing at his computer games, or arguing with a team member
You daring to do something for yourself
You daring to spend money on just yourself.

What you can do is decide where your line is before talking to him. If he refuses to accept he's doing this would you seriously consider leaving?

Hmmm, interesting. Thanks for sharing this. Sounds like the situation with my DH some 15-ish years ago. (As I said he was like this for about 6-7 years on and off....) Funny how they manage to snap out of it, or take steps to improve/mend their ways when they're under threat of losing you.

I have NEVER behaved like this with DH - moody, argumentative, curmudgeonly, passive aggressive, arsey, deliberately sabotaging nice events /things he was looking forward to by causing an argument about nothing, going silent and sitting there in a dark mood, whilst saying 'NOTHING' when asked what is wrong!

I have never done this, to him - or anyone - and never would. It does seem to be largely a MAN thing. It is emotional abuse, pure and simple.

I’d tell him straight “It’s not up for discussion that you’re being moot when I’ve done fuck all-I’m not an idiot. Next time it happens I’ll help you along your way and pack your bag.”

Talking to him like an adult will not work if he’s in a mood after the hours playing games. Mine games occasionally. If he was in a bad mood afterwards I’d bollock him, just like I did/do with teen boys. That, and threaten to dump the console. Been there with DS1 when he was living at home when playing FIFA. We didn’t tolerate gaming moods in him and I wouldn’t tolerate it in DH.

😂

Some MN posters exist to excuse shit male abusive behaviour.

Years ago my friend was expecting her inlaws for a meal and she had a 2 year old.

She was juggling both the food and the child and he was out doing something non urgent in the garden, an increasing habit of his!
He got pissed off when she told him she needed help as she couldn't do both.
He got really snappy with her and said fine.

She looked at him and thought are you for real?
She turned everything off, grabbed her keys, her baby bag, her toddler and went directly to her mothers.

She texted him that he could cater for his parents as she certainly wasn't being spoken too like that.

He hot trotted up to her mothers immediately, but she wouldn't budge an inch, she wasn't coming home, she wasn't entertaining his parents, and she sure as hell wasn't being spoken to like that.

She didn't return home for 24 hours.
He was very contrite and apparently her nice MIL chewed his ear off big time.

She told him all future entertaining of his family would be on him, as he had completely crossed a line with her.
Things were very rocky for a while as she realised he had developed a bit of a snippy attitude when asked to do things.

They are still together but never had a second child. She quite openly has said that her excellent career was very important to her, and as her husband couldn't cope with more than one child, and she wasn't going to do that to her career.

He is now a good cook because after that incident she realised that she had been doing too much and downed tools in a firm way.

I now know its called the "boiled frog analogy".
The very best, most successful marriages around me are the ones where women had very strong boundaries from the earliest days and their husbands knew it.

@Zov good on you for breaking that boiled frog cycle.👏👏👏

Was it because you went out without him?

No, they're not excuses. And I did have therapy and I did sort it out and it stopped happening. The point I was making was that my behaviour was not abuse, it was symptomatic of a mental health condition, Which needed to be treated and was. And therein lies the solution.

Everyone here is so quick to shout that he is abusing her (several posters agree that the term abuse gets pulled out far too often here) but if he isn't abusing her and he is just a normal man that is behaving this way due to anxiety/insecurity whatever then ignoring him and acting childish about it like posters are advising her to isn't going to help is it. Nor is screaming at him and telling him to shut the fuck up and sort himself out and behaving in an abusive manner like other posters are advising her to.

The OP needs actual useful advice, not just a way to feel like she got one up on him or put him in his place. If he is actually abusing her then she should not bother trying to sort this out and leave him obviously, but declaring every bad mood abuse helps no one move forward.

The post above this one describes a similar situation I was in, handled differently with a different outcome so it's clearly not an unusual problem to have.

My OH is like this. It's the way mild anxiety/depression/insecurity manifest in him. I saw it in his mum so I think it's a learned/inherited behaviour but as he was completely in denial about it being an issue, certainly not something he should talk to me or the GP about, I gave him an ultimatum before we got married. The moaning, criticism, snapping, moodiness have to stop. You've got six months then I'm out and to be fair he did rein it right in. His choice to leave his anxiety untreated but my choice not to suffer because of it. Nobody's perfect, he certainly tolerates my more negative traits but that was my red line. It still creeps in every so often but when I point it out, he does take it in..not to the point he could talk about it, even admit it, god forbid, but it's obvious he takes it on board... just needs space and thinking time.

Being in a bad mood is fine - we all get like that. Being in a bad mood and stropping like a toddler and refusing to explain the problem to your spouse is potentially abusive - especially when you don't behave like that anywhere else or with anyone else.

This is the second thread in thirty minutes where I’ve wanted to recommend divorce. I didn’t used to be a LTB poster. Maybe it’s the lack of oestrogen…