Pervy FIL or just accept it? UPDATE PAGE 6

Inappropriate behaviour is a classic symptoms of frontotemporal dementia. You my have known several old men with dementia but obviously haven’t had first hand experience of caring for any.

My FIL had some minor brain damage after a heart attack and it affected his behaviour like this.

I'd talk to your husband. He will probably have an idea whether this is out of character.

But wasn’t the hip grabbing once, over a year ago?

what does he currently do that makes you uncomfortable OP?

because if you sit them down and say all of that about that incident it will be quite an odd thing to do.

OP what will DH do if you tell him? That might be all you need to do

I'd be surprised if your husband hasn't noticed changes in your behaviour, like withdrawing into your shell when FIL is around. He really does need to be aware especially as pregnancy and then postpartum will have you feeling extra vulnerable.
Well done for seeking therapy and advice here, and remember that a good partner will prioritise your feelings and not those of his dad's. It's his responsibility to protect you from his family members.

If you are truly stuck on how to approach this, you can always frame it to your husband that the way your dad touches you makes you feel uncomfortable because you don't like people touching you or being in your personal space.. You can emphasise how the pregnancy is making it more heightened and you want to now do something about it as you no longer feel comfortable in his presence.

You do not have to frame his FIL as inappropriate straight out, but you do need to share with your DH how it makes you feel so it can be dealt with, he may realise how inappropriate his dad's behaviour is once his attention is called to it and he then sees it for what it is.

Ideally he should be having a quiet word with his dad to tell him to stop it.

Do you really get the impression OP is the kind of person who could say this or break someone's face? Realistic advice might be more helpful.

I stopped visiting my FIL . He had dementia and became very sexually inappropriate. He would rub himself against me when we hugged. His neice stayed at his house the night before a job interview. He started asking her about her boyfriend and then moved on to their sex life. She tried to change the subject several times but he kept returning to it. In the end she made an excuse, left and booked into a cheap hotel.

Oh no, why would she want to be alone with him? If he's a dirty old man, he won't react well to it and if he really has dementia, this is not the way to go either. OP needs to explain to her husband so he can protect her a bit.

'you touch me again I breaka your face'
he wouldnt fucking do it to me

Can’t believe as much as 8% have said Yabu!
This is totally not on and you need to tell your h how uncomfortable it makes you. You could have another 20+ years of this!

Im really sorry you are going through this and wholeheartedly agree with everyone posting that the first step has got to be getting your DH onside.

Your fear that there is never a good time to talk about this and will ‘spoil the weekend’ is very worrying. Yes, it isn’t great and hd might need a moment (even overnight) to process this news but it should strengthen the relationship between you. Anything else and I’d say you have a DH problem on top of everything else.

Short term I’d avoid being in the same space as FiL. Worst case, make sure your DH is always between you and FiL. You can way and say goodbye from the safety of having DH between you always. This is your DH’s chance to step up.

if he doesn’t, maybe therapy will be the place to unpick that. Give him a chance to show he is on your side, that you are a team together.

I know you and others saying this mean well, but it totally grinds my gears. There are so many pervy men out there, weve all experienced this kind of thing from me. FIL being a sleazy arsehole is the far more obvious explanation for what op describes. This kind of trying to find an alternative explanation doesn’t help matters.

OP, a freeze response to sexualised behaviour in an inappropriate situation, is normal. And you clearly have reasons for being conflict avoidant in your history. But I agree with others that you need to start with speaking to DH. How it makes DH feel isn’t your responsibility, although of course you care and are mindful of this.

I feel like your pregnancy is a good motivator for this. You don’t want your kids growing up afraid to speak up when they are being harmed. So it’s time to put on your big girl pants and learn to do it, so you can teach them in the future. You can do this. Be brave. He’s the arsehole and you’ve done nothing wrong - FIL has caused this.

I’m a ppl pleaser and know it’s difficult to speak up , but if he was to do the same to your child you’d quite rightly roar !!
id say definitely get your DH onboard, the longer you leave it the harder it is to say something.
good luck

First post - excusing men.

Could he have dementia???

My life!!!

No, he's an old fucking pervert who should know better!!!

I agree if at all possible try and calmly but firmly call it out every time- it doesn't need to be massively confrontational

Remove his hands from you, saying I only let (husband) do that/touch me there.

I also think the sooner you discuss with your husband the better, if you have a girl will you be happy leaving her alone with the in laws ?

I think you should just speak to your FIL when you two get a moment alone. Tell him not to touch kiss or hug you again as you don't like it

OP -

"DH, I am really worried about FiL. I read an article about dementia yesterday and it said that early signs are sexually inappropriate behavior. Have you noticed that when I am around he does x,y,z? Should we figure out a way to get him tested?"

That equals you and dh being a team. Also highlights FiL issue. Creates allies for you.

I agree you have to tell your husband and think that doing so will help you greatly.

You're worried about spoiling your weekend, well it won't necessarily will it. You say your husband is a gentle man - he will surely understand and want to support you.

If it were me I would raise it over a coffee, when you're both sitting quietly. Start with - there's something I want to tell you and I need your help with it - then tell him what you've told us, that you're uncomfortable, you feel alone with it, you don't know what to do and you need his help.

Your catastrophising the outcome of speaking up or being honest is what is holding you back in dealing with things. This is the thing you need to work on. You being honest and asking for help is a beginning, a step forward. It's not a failure or a bad ending.

This. I was 20 when I met my sons dad, he was 29, his brother was 50.

I put up with so much groping from his brother... Maybe it was my young age and not knowing how to deal with it, but one day I just exploded -

Get your fucking hands off me!!!

In front of everyone, it didn't happen again.

Please don't excuse lecherous old mens filthy behaviour by calling dementia - is lingeringly touching anyone else? Doubt it.

Sounds like you’ve known him a while and he’s always been like this. Unfortunately these dirty old men are far more prevalent than we want to admit. Honestly, next time he does anything remotely inappropriate, say “Get off me” loudly & if your husband isn’t in the room go and tell him immediately, then leave whenever you are. You CAN do this, and once you have said it, you’ll feel empowered - for the sake of yourself and other women he invariably does this to, you need to make a stand.

Your DH. Needs to know. His “ruined weekend” of finding out the truth is not any more important than your RUINED MONTHS feeling vulnerable and alone. Jesus Christ, woman. He is supposed to be your safe space. Your husband needs to know and you are doing not of you and your relationship a disservice by keeping this from him.

You aren’t protecting him.

Enough dementia to only do it when her husband is out of the room?

I would like that type of dementia when my time comes...

You're just putting off doing the hard thing not telling your husband as soon as you can.

He needs to know this and he needs to safeguard his family from a man who is ill or a sexual predator.

Sending scrappiness. (Honestly, I'd shove him away but I'm comfortable with my fight response to assault, that might be a bit much for you).

" Darling, I'm worried about your dad. He isn't behaving properly to me. He keeps trying to touch me too much. Your sister and mum saw him grab me and seemed shocked too. Do you think he could have dementia?"
I'm not saying this is the best way, but if you are struggling to verbalise it.