Pervy FIL or just accept it? UPDATE PAGE 6

Update: I spoke to DH.

like I said, thank you all so much for giving your array of opinions. It’s what I was looking for. What came through strongest to me was that by me keeeping quiet, I was absorbing the pain and discomfort of the secret - which is how I felt.

I know that it makes some people roll their eyes when people like me are conflict avoidant “people pleasers”. Trust me I know, it’s an issue which doesn’t make anyone happy but just kicks issues down the road. I am trying to work on it and face my problems head on. Thank you for the people that understood that this is the position I was coming from, but still kindly and firmly told me I needed to address it

just walked the dog with DH and started by talking about how we deal with secrets/ issues. He basically said yes it’s not good but normally comes from a place of love. And then I womanned up, spat it out and told him.

he took it really well and was really kind and gentle. It’s an icky sensation to tell this story. But I feel lighter. I do feel scared about the hurt this will cause him

a little more context: DH’s social circle - he doesn’t really have many close friends, he just has me and his family and some long distance friends. This is the story I told myself when I was justifying keeping secrets from him. Damaging either of those relationships would be so hard on him. You know?

and more context on FIL - I was doubtful it was explicitly dementia, but he has been having a lot of hospital (cancer) treatment in the last couple of years. It’s possible this has had an impact on his mind, although I don’t want to make excuses.

re: pregnancy - yes, another issue with keeping this secret to myself was I was spiralling with imagining horrible scenarios during the rest of pregnancy and post partum period. This spiralling and catastrophising is a bad habit of mine and I recognise that it happens when I keep problems to myself and don’t look to my loved ones for support.

thank you for the wise wake up calls ladies. Mumsnet is truly a unique place to get advice. And no, none of this was written with AI (it’s far too clumsy for that!)

thank you for hearing me out and being the ears I needed, the advice I needed.

Thank you, this is a good point and makes sense to me. From what I understand/ have experienced, dementia symptoms can start small before it is full blown. I will bear this in mind x

FFS. Some of us have experienced dementia and the devastation it causes. Is there really any need to be so flippant ?

Thank you, this is a good point and makes sense to me. From what I understand/ have experienced, dementia symptoms can start small before it is full blown. I will bear this in mind x

Hi this happened last year but i can’t shake it. One of my character flaws is allowing resentment to build! I’m bad at addressing difficult situations with people in the moment - I just freeze (fawn response?)

Context I am 32F, husband 34F. His PIL are both 70 and his sister is also 32F.

in the first couple of years of our relationship I spent a lot of time with my husbands family. Because I love him and had the newly in love goggles on. Family is important to me. I was also conscious of the age of my husband’s family, i.e. not so many “good years” left.

FIL became ill so i was a dutiful daughter in law and we increased the visiting.

when we would say goodbye, it was hugs all round. I thought I was being over sensitive but his “hugs” made me feel awfully uncomfortable, inappropriate hand placement and lingering. Ugh!!!

I also felt that he would sit there staring at my chest gormlessly. Hard to prove, again - but it made (makes) me very uncomfortable.

for me the peak moment was last year. In laws were visiting us. In front of his wife and daughter, unprompted in the middle of a group conversation as we were standing around chatting, he grabbed my hips with both hands, shook me, and said something (totally irrelevant and non sequitur). I didn’t say anything, just froze. Nor did SIL or MIL they just stood there in stunned silence. Notably, my husband was not in the room.

since then, I can’t bear to be around him. I can’t talk about this to my husband as I can’t bear to crush the image of his father to him - it feels too cruel and I love my lovely husband so much.

However, keeping this from him is hard. I will do anything not to be near his parents (they’re a package deal). I try to wear the baggiest clothes possible and squirm away from any contact with them. Not a great relationship to have with your in-laws. Nonetheless FIL remains pretty determined to try and put a disgusting sloppy kiss on my cheek at the bare minimum. if we were out and about as a 4, (PIL, me and DH) I can’t bear to “pair off” with FIL who I resent so much.

I tried to get support on dealing with this in therapy but didn’t get very far. But I knew the Mumsnet herd might have som experience in this - please help me work out what to to!

My mum recommends trying to focus on the positive qualities of the people who raised my wonderful DH. Unfortunately, I’m finding this very very hard.

YABU - he’s just an old man of a generation that got overexcited. You need to forgive him and move on
YANBU - totally unacceptable behaviour from any man, let alone your FIL

Any advice on how to proceed with managing this relationship?

I don’t need to accept being perved over because someone can’t help it. That’s all there is to it. That FIL may have dementia doesn’t change anything for OP.

Not disputing that at all. But not all men are ‘pervs’ and sexual inhibition affects female dementia parents in similar ways. It’s well known that sexual disinhibition can be of the signs of the onset of dementia. And OP has indicated that this is a recent change in his behaviour, after he became ill, so it’s a real possibility. Dementia is heartbreaking - it takes away every function bit by bit and is devastating for families. You might want to be a bit more mindful of those posting from experience.

Lots of men are pervs!

As pervs who are indulging the way they want to behave. You clearly know nothing of dementia, or of how offensive your comment will be to anyone here who has lost a loved one to the disease.

characterise them as what?

someone having dementia doesn’t mean I can be perved over. That’s all there is to it.

Whether it’s dementia or perversion, you’re struggling to cope with this because you’re trying to stuff down your feelings to protect your DH. It doesn’t work, sublimating like that, it will just cause you to feel awful and the stress to leak out in other ways.

I understand that you love your DH and want to protect him - but don’t you think he would want to protect you? Would he want there to be a horrible secret between you, and for you to be coping with something like this on your own? He may well be upset at his father’s behaviour, but he’s an adult, he will cope and he’ll have you to support him. Once it’s out in the open, you can decide together how you are going to manage it, so that you aren’t subjected to this behaviour any more. You are putting yourself last here, and it’s not right.

Disgusting way to characterise those with dementia and utterly ignorant of the devastating effect it has on families.

I imagine the point is dementia means all the perving they wanted to do for the last 50 years can no longer be resisted.

tbh, who cares if he has dementia- I don’t want be perved over either way. My thoughts and feelings matter not his.