Pervy FIL or just accept it? UPDATE PAGE 6

Oh @MyLilacCritic I’m so sorry to read this. Really sorry. You will both get through this. 💐

Oh darling such sad news. I had several miscarriages 1 at 18 weeks. It's devastating. This as well as your DH losing his DF. Sending you both hugs. 😘

You need to be gentle with yourselves. Take time to grieve, keep talking to each other and your friends/family. There isn't really anything that you can do but be kind to yourselves & be there for each other.

I am so, so, sorry to read your update.

I had actually typed out some short-term advice and then deleted it all, because what do I know.

For what this is worth, you seem like an incredibly strong woman. I hope you can look out for yourself as well as you look out for others - and try to take support wherever you can get it.

Im so sorry for your losses. Right now, you don't have to do anything, "just" love and comfort and support yourself and each other. That is already enough.

Goodness. So sorry, OP. Give yourselves time and be kind to yourselves. Hugs to you both x

Oh! What a completely shocking update. OP, I am so sorry! 💐

@Banaghergirl I feel so sorry for anyone with dementia and I felt sorry for him but he was so very scary to be around and his behaviour was unacceptable whatever his state of mind was, as far as I was concerned any women who were in close contact with him didn't have to just "put up with" and excuse his behavior simply because he might have dementia.

Dementia is a physical disease that kills parts of the brain with tangled spaghetti-like strands and knots made of proteins. It is not a state of mind. Dementia patients really and truly cannot help this behaviour. "Simply" because he might have dementia...I'm sorry, but I'm shocked at this level of ignorance. The brain is dying. Patients' behaviour is no more "unacceptable" than the fatigue of a chemo patient is unacceptable. It is a physical symptom of a physical disease that the person has absolutely zero control over.

Dementia is NOT a mental illness. It sounds as if you're confusing it with that, when it's not.

So sorry to read your update, what a tragic time for you both. No doubt things have been really tough and you feel lost xx

I was bridesmaid for my SIL. When getting photos took FIL slapped my bum!!! I was furious but kept calm due to the event!!!

I told my husband and said we were done seeing his dad, that was it!! It was the straw that broke the camels back in terms of his behaviour

Whatever you do not take this advice. Massive over reactions will resonate for years.

It's terrible & can happen regardless of both ages. I had a guy around 30 & about half my age come at me when we were on holiday in a bar when my DH was in the queue. He leaned in & said your my chosen GILF. The guys asked me to pick one & kiss them. It was one of the dares on a stag do. I looked at him & said you've lost that dare then🙁so go away & pick someone else. The worst of it was he was a professional type & the groom to be.

I feel your pain, my FIL came to give me a kiss and stuck his tongue in my mouth. I was young at the time and he did it in front of people too. you can tell i’ve never forgotten it.

Your thread title is asking “Pervy FIL or jus accept it” - the answer is NO - NEVER ACCEPT IT.

Do not allow any grandchildren to be alone with him.

I had a brother in law like this, it was gross. I eventually went NC as he started phoning me too.

Recently had to say something to an old man in a hotel lift about an unwanted sexualncomments about me. His wife was with him and pretended not to notice.

These women are the worse types and have been putting up with it for years from their lechy, low life husbands.

This type of man makes my skin crawl!

They should be called out at every turn for sexual harassment.

I am seventy by the way.

Firstly, I'd like the 7% who voted YABU what the %#%# they are thinking!!!

@MyLilacCritic be assured this is NOT normal behaviour from your FIL and you DON'T have to put up with it. Even if it is dementia, you still don't have to put up with it.

There are several points to address in your posts though:

I’m bad at addressing difficult situations with people in the moment - I just freeze
That's fairly normal, to freeze in the moment - I think most of us will look back at a situation and wish we had stuck up for ourselves better. What's not normal is to allow it to continue after you have had time to think

My mum recommends trying to focus on the positive qualities of the people who raised my wonderful DH.
Unfortunately your mum, bless her, isn't able to help you deal with this …
I think it comes from me growing up in a household with an explosive/ unpredictable dad.
... and this is why. She has understandably taught you to keep a low profile and not draw attention to yourself. But this is not helping you in your adult life and you need help to deal with this situation and learn new ways to deal with conflict..

I tried to get support on dealing with this in therapy
And you need to go back to therapy - if possible with a different therapist.
Get your therapist to role play scenarios with you so that you have a "script" and set of behaviours in mind to protect yourself from unwanted attention.

The thought of discussing this with my husband and ruining our evening and weekend - I’m scared, honestly
That's understandable. I don't think you need to raise it with your DH in a huge "your FIL is a pervert" way. I think you can frame it as something you are not comfortable with.

You don't have to justify that, you know. You don't have to say "I think it's pervy" ...it's sufficient to say "I don't like it".

I'm glad to see your update - that you have discussed it with your DH - that's really good news. Well done!

I think you had DH need to do a bit of work now on your strategies for dealing with it. It doesn't have to be the full on confrontation many people are advising here. (I'm not saying that is wrong btw - before everyone starts slamming me - just that it may not work for you).

I would suggest starting with small steps.

For instance you might try this: next time you visit and hugs & kisses are expected, just step back a little and say "oh I'm not doing hugs today, I've got a bit of a cold (or tummy bug) and I don't want to give it to you"; and DH should casually position himself in such a way that it isn't easy for either of them to physically ambush you.
Once you've established that ONCE then it should be easier next time to say "actually I prefer not to hug today" (again with support from DH if needed). Rinse and repeat; stick to your position, and gradually you will start to feel more in control.

I would deliberately step on his foot, very hard. Oops.

Your husband isn’t blind or stupid and will have seen his father doing this to either you or other people he is just pretending it doesn’t exist/didn’t happen but that’s not fair on the women he’s assaulting

He’s a dirty perverted old man and needs stopping!! Dementia isn’t the answer! He’s just a sex pest. Tell him loudly to get his hands off you as you don’t appreciate him groping you if he goes near you again!

I'm more concerned about your fear of talking to you husband about this? On the list of difficult life situations that will without doubt occur between you and your husband in your life together, this is fairly minor.
What on earth will you do about much bigger, more important things you'll need to discuss with him going forward?
Kids etc.
Also about the FIl, aging men like my Grandad seems to return to an adolescent sexual obsession. My Grandad also became obsessive about girls and embarrassed all of us by openly discussing, and taking actions to start a campaign that carers should be able to "satisfy" their patients needs and not be penalized for it,.if you get my drift.
If you can take it out of the personal and keep it matter of fact in any discussions going forward, then that takes the sting away.

I agree. The @MyLilacCritic has already brought this up with her DH. It is now in DH’s gift how to protect his wife and unborn child from the stress of sexual assault where it is predatory or dementia.

The OP is a victim here and is often the case in trauma is paralysed and unable to speak in the moment. No victim of assault should be advised to kick him in the balls, shout out or swerve him as the solution. If she was able to have done this she would have.

She doesn’t need to live under the stress of waiting for this to happen again for her to intervene.

Her DH needs to talk to his DF in the presence of his DM and DSis - and be crystal clear of what happened, the impact on his wife and what expectations are now.

This is where others need to step up and step in to advocate for victims who have been silenced and terrified by males and social situations. OP needs to be protected and supported by her DH and the rest of the family. She needs to be believed, the impact on her and her pregnancy respected and her welfare prioritised over any awkward social issues of fronting up to the FIL.

The impact on her and her unborn child due to stress hormones is no different depending on his motives and capacity. She has been emotionally and physically violated. If she had been hit by a car left with two broken legs it wouldn’t matter so much if the driver was drunk or sober as she still has to heal from two broken legs.

Get your DH to deal with this is an open, calm, non emotional way. Use the COIN communication system. Keep to the words you have chosen - don’t lock horns with FIL. If he blows up. Just calmly leave.

You can have a crystal clear communication with expectations and consequences - that everyone knows about.

What is your feelings @MyLilacCriticabout your FIL - have you sensed any sleazy entitlement or boundary pushing in the past - or is this out of the blue?

My first thought too. I have worked in care homes and have experience of "randy" old men. It is lack of inhibition and awareness of what they are saying or doing. In that situation you just have to tell them a firm no or move away. In your situation you need to keep as far away as possible when you are with them, sit in an arm chair not the sofa where he can sit next to you, carry something in front of you, a handbag or children's toy or just be "busy" when they are around (or even have a headache to remove yourself). Make it a game of dodge the pervy FIL! You will think of ways to do this. Good luck.

I think you should just tell him it makes him look stupid, without getting too much into the sexual aspect.