To ask you how long you waited before visitors

I had a lockdown baby so my experience wasn’t representative. Not the first lockdown but summer 2020 when our area went back into local lockdown so things weren’t as stringent as that first one but still different to normal. Awful birth and in hospital nearly a week after, no visitors allowed. Then when we came home it was probably another week - my sister came and it was my midwife persuaded me I needed the support/ just someone there for me a bit. I was lucky to have DH of course but he was at work. My in laws some time after that - more at their insistence really they were more concerned about Covid and following the rules and fair enough, though it makes me sad now.

Looking back now I’m in two minds really - within my side of the family I’d always met babies of those close, so nieces nephews etc very quickly if not on the day. I fully expected that would be the case when I got pregnant obviously not predicting lockdowns etc. On the one hand I do feel sad we didn’t get that, and if I’d ever had another I’d have wanted more visitors and a little sooner than we did. But on the other hand my in laws for example are not people I feel comfortable sitting around in my PJs bleeding and crying in front of, and I’m really not sure I’d have been up to seeing them or indeed anyone for a little while even without the restrictions.

I do think people can be a bit too precious about it, it’s definitely a ‘thing’ that gets pushed out in pregnancy/ new mum spaces online and almost becomes a fashion or what you think you ‘should do’. But then lots of women will need that bit of extra time, I think it’s good that we’re more aware of what the new mum needs and wants now and don’t just trample over her to get to the baby. Sounds like @Starlightsprite is excited to meet their grandchild whilst being respectful of her son and DIL’s wishes so I’m sure she’s much appreciated for that, it’s something I’d have loved to have experienced from my in laws honestly!

Planning to let babys grandparents visit in the hospital as soon as feasible, provided i don't have a super long/traumatic birth.

For me hospital seems better as I know they're not going to ask me or DH to do any "hosting"

After that I definitely won't want them at my house 24/7 for the first week or so!

When dd was born 30 years ago, my parents were dead and the inlaws were 2 hours away ( whose we saw maybe twice a year). They visited about 2 weeks later . Friends came a couple of days after the birth. I was out walking within the week as I was so bored.

All my family and my best friend came to hospital to visit my son a few hours after birth, then later that same day once we were home I popped him in his pram and walked to my nans house, and a couple of other local family members to show him off! Mind you I was 21, Im not sure it would be the same now!

It was very much my choice but I had grandparents and both our sisters and husbands visit the hospital. Think ds was born around 2am and my family visited in the afternoon and dhs in the evening.
friends /extended family we saw after the first week or so.

We got one of those M&S Chinese takeaway boxes, homemade lasagne, homemade cottage pie, sticky toffee pudding, then fruit / flapjacks / biscuits / chocolates. Couldn’t tell you what gifts but the food sticks in my head 😅😅 I buy friends just eat gift cards and a little box of things for mum (lip balm, nipple cream, emergency pads, a little face mask - just stuff I generally remember needing / running out of!)

It was a week with my first. It was longer with subsequent children.

Edited to add: this was the same for north sides of the family.

Mum and sister the same day or next, dad the day after work, mum bought grandparents in on day 4 from memory, I was in for 7 days, standard for a c section 25 years ago.
Inlaws got photo in the mail, they lived elsewhere. Didn’t visit until kids were 5, 7 and 8!

ILs came when we were leaving the hospital so on the 4th day. To be honest I could have done with longer but DH needed the support. Mine came when I was ready and well in routine at 7-8months old as they live halfway across the world.

Also, sorry to stereotype, but adult men seem to be bad at communicating with their parents. My partner just won't ask them for a date that they want to come. Or even ask them to come. Your son should discuss it with his wife and give you a day, to stop you from wondering.

I would say 2 weeks is a good amount when you don't know what to expect. It is harder for in laws because the new Mum just doesn't want to sit there on her torn perineum, breastfeeding constantly when people they aren't related to are there. The first few weeks are about the baby bonding with the parents, they only need their Mother basically, so not much bonding can happen with Grandparents. My MIL came day 10-14 and she was useless. Loads of perfume, brought nothing, created mess for us to throw away, was shown around the area like she was on holiday whilst I was frog marched around. The next time, I had a 2 week rule for her, but it's a mute point because she's not mentioned when she is coming and I don't know when she'll visit. Strange woman.

The above was not my experience with NCT at all. They very much encouraged us to define our own boundaries. Some people may have waited two weeks but this was the extreme end!

I had about 12 hours grace, but wished I had had 72! After the 72 I was DESPERATE to see people and introduce baby to the wonderful people who will be in her life. I was literally texting people to make plans for them to visit and filling up the calendar. They were quite surprised to hear from us so soon but I found the loneliness quite hard.

You will know best what kind of person your DIL is. My mother and MIL are both quite ‘proper’, stiff upper lip types and not very emotional. I am a through and through Pisces. I did not feel “held” or supported by either of them. Out of the absolute blue, my most distant aunt was the one who sat next to me, asked me all about the birth and noticed the individualities of my baby with me. She reminisced about how hard and lonely the night could be, but not in a way that made it about her, in a way that made me feel less alone. I would say she and I have no shared memory and I could easily have forgotten to send her a Christmas card last year, but she is now one of my favourite relatives!

I think it perhaps depends how happy they are to be vulnerable in front of you. Things like being in pyjamas, unshowered, being new to breastfeeding, blood smeared on the sheets. I felt very vulnerable in front of even my parents in the hospital. They only cared to see the baby though so I need not have worried. If they had been a bit more proactive and caring about these things I would be inclined to have them again the next time, but as is I think I will hold them off.

It took about 72 hours for the pain etc to actually catch up with me! I think that would have been the ideal time for visitors to arrive after, once I had sorted out how I was going to sit on the stitches and staunch the bleeding.

It will be a matter dictated by the birthing person each and everytime.

Family dont always come first.

Totally agree. That should surely put up a number of red flags and I truly hope the authorities were considered.

(Thanks for being a surgeon and the work you do! Would have been even better if you were an obstetrician on this thread!)

I lived in a multigenerational household. I wasn't bored at all. I was able to take care of my baby, breast feeding and bonding went easily, and my mil made sure I got healthy food and plenty of rest and stayed warm and comfortable and I think she liked bossing me around a little bit.

I’m not a hv, I’m a surgeon and yes I’d still expect a safeguarding referral to be made if mum is so aggressive she’s throwing health care professionals out of her house and refusing to let anyone come in. That’s not normal

Hopefully your daughter in law in 20 years time lets you visit after 16 weeks. Wonder if you’ll be as happy then when it’s you being told to stay away

In those sort of cultures there is generally loads of other women there helping out and keeping company. Not someone whol s not seeing anyone except her husband Where's the similarities?

Lol pure accident. He'd given mum a lift and was ushered in. I assume they thought he was baby's dad. . He's one person who is very calm and matter of fact so helpful with fetching stuff for me etc . I think was first birth he'd witnessed as eell

A few days later for my parents and a couple of weeks later for my in laws. Both sets needed to stay over and expected to be hosted and it was this that I couldn’t tolerate.
second time around I made them stay in a B&B down the road but saw them sooner and I said yes to all help offered ie I didn’t host them at all.

for extended (but close) family it was about 6 weeks wait and we went to them at a family party and left when we’d had enough.

My advice would be to ask after them but don’t pressure them and be helpful when you go round.

I was rushed into visitors. Wish I’d waited several weeks. Especially for in laws. Handing over my new born at a few days old was pure torture.

I feel like this is often overlooked on these type of threads.

If a new mum wants to show off her new baby, that's great but if she doesn't then it seems as though her feelings don't really matter and she's expected to put her feelings last when she has just had a baby and is probably feeling vulnerable.

It isn't precious to want a week or two of privacy, adjustment and bonding when you are feeling vulnerable, weepy, sore and are bleeding and also trying to get the hang of breastfeeding on top of all of that.

"Lucky" she didn't get a social services referral for turning down a voluntary service?

I think we're all lucky you aren't a health visitor.

That’s a bit weird and you’re lucky the hv didn’t do a safeguarding referral. Looking back now are you embarrassed about how you behaved?