To ask you how long you waited before visitors

My first was born at 9pm and my parents and sibling and best friend were there that evening, visiting me in delivery. My ILs came the next morning. Friends came over the next days or weeks when they were free. I was excited to show off my baby. I've never had a bubble or kept anyone away.

I can't imagine parents who prevent grandparents and closest relatives from seeing them after birth for weeks or a month or more (without necessary circumstances) don't have the relationship hurt by it. It probably suggests a pattern of lack of closeness. Then they are followed up by threads here complaining that grandparents aren't involved enough, without the connection being made that the grandparents are responding to being kept at arms length from the get go.

Not saying parents can't decide whatever they prefer, but choices affect relationships.

The only rule I had was no visitors on day 3, because I get baby blues something fierce that day.

My parents and grandma were in my house waiting for us all to get back from the hospital. And my mum brought round fresh croissants every morning for about a week after - any excuse to nip and and see the baby!

My prev reply attached to the wrong post - it was in reference to you saying they won’t be so keep to keep you away in a few years time.

When they want to go out in a couple of years, I’m guessing your DIL won’t be sore, bleeding, maybe stitched up, massively sleep deprived and potentially processing something traumatic! It was only yesterday that she gave birth!

It’s lovely that you’re excited and congratulations, but you don’t fully know what they’ve been through. When you say they are “keeping their family away” it sounds like you’ve taken that quite personally but it could just be needing some time and space to process the birth. After I gave birth I could barely even walk, had to keep attending hospital due to an infection and had continence issues that I really didn’t want my in-laws to witness, as much as we get on fine! I disagree strongly with the PP who said needing some time is a symptom of self-centredness. If anything, I think it’s the other way around if people are prioritising baby cuddles over the well-being of a new mum who may be dealing with things we can’t even imagine. Not saying you are. However, it is a recurrent theme on here where MILs complain about not being able to see their grandchildren immediately and talk about being desperate to meet them without even a word for the woman who just went through so much to bring them into the world!

My mum and dad, same day in the hospital. Ex in laws, the following day at home.

Exactly.

It's completely natural for some women to want their mums when they've just had a baby and are feeling vulnerable.

We’ve never used grandparents for childcare and neither live close enough for daily childcare. All childcare has been paid for (we both work) and we would never take advantage of our lovely parents. This thread certainly makes me grateful for my lovely MIL who never puts pressure on us for anything.

Surely you should just be happy and grateful you have a lovely new grandchild rather than being argumentative with strangers on MN?

Pil..1 night , 2 days after I returned home and I was in hospital for 4 days as I lost a lot of blood...they kindly listened and whilst in hospital cleaned the house and put decorations up which was very sweet. My parents and sibling and family the sat after I got home as first day they not working and they could come...which was a day after pil so meant visitors were spaced out. They all listened to me how I felt as certainly wasn't well enough in the four hospital days despite having looking back a very easy birth and baby, it was the unexpected bleeding which the hospital sorted that left me not well. I wanted to get home and have a shower and sleep but was very keen to show baby off too. It's kinda go with what the new parents feel like.

It’s completely normal and reasonable for a new mother to want her own mum around rather than her MIL, btw. It’s a totally different proposition when you’re bleeding, in pain, trying to get breastfeeding established etc. It’s only “unfair” if the MIL is centring herself and her desire to see the baby rather than the new mother, the baby and what they need.

A fair few seem to like using the whole 'baby bubble' as a excuse not to see the in-laws if they don't like them on MN ,I especially eyeroll when they say their mum only popped round for 10mins with a casserole 🤣🤣

This is such an important point. I know our Mums stayed in around a week even after having ‘normal’ births (no complications). Personally I don’t like the idea of that as I was so happy to get back home quickly and out of the hospital, but that would have meant visitors were very limited and at set times. No one asking ‘what’s for lunch’ as some have said in the comments - just unbelievable.

Please don’t tar us all with the same brush!! No one I know in real life (late twenties and early thirties) has had any sort of exclusive baby bubble prohibiting family from visiting! Seems to be a MN thing more than anything!

I agree it shouldn’t need a name, but when certain people on the thread can’t possibly understand that new parents might need a couple of days, I guess that’s why it has been given a name.

If new parents say ‘we need a few days to find our feet/recover’ that should be enough. Nothing else said and give them their space. Im so glad I had that first proper day just us and we had grandparents 2 days after and it worked perfectly for us with our first. I made sure all family/friends visits were well spread out too - the comments show how many people felt overwhelmed with the number of visitors straight away.

1st - visitors in hospital within hours of birth, all day and the next too. We got home at 4.30pm, we had a house full by 6.30 😂 (16yrs ago)

2nd - child 1 got first visit then visitors from lunchtime all day and evening and the next 2 days I was in. Got home by school pick up for child number 1 and we had a lovely chilled evening just us 4 though I phoned my parents and questioned why they hadn’t come over 😂.. so the next night we had lots of visitors and whilst number 1 was at activities I got some company and then chucked them all out whilst I went to pick up from said activity. (8yrs ago)

i had visitors daily for around a month! I don’t understand anyone that doesn’t want their support network around, for nothing more than company BUT each to their own and that’s not for everyone! I don’t know anyone who didn’t do the same as I did. don’t pressure them but do send messages checking in on everyone ☺️ and ask if they perhaps need food or anything. You can still be a huge help doing the mundane jobs whilst they find their feet.

food - we had meals dropped off, lasagne, macaroni, cottage pies, we also got vouchers for takeaways. Both births!

Maybe this generation of Mum’s dont ‘suck up’ comments about breastfeeding from their MIL’s or anyone else. My MIL is lovely and wouldn’t ever question how we chose to feed our baby, as any decent MIL would know it’s absolutely nothing to do with her or anyone else.

If a Mum needs a few days or perhaps a week to feel settled, comfortable, not in pain, not in tears or overwhelmed, why would that affect anyone? A newborn doesn’t magically change in a couple of days 🙄

As long as both sets of parents are being treated fairly (obviously providing there is a good relationship with both sets), then I think it sounds more like certain MIL’s want to boast they were there on the day, first to hold the baby etc. Let them get settled, find their feet as parents, recover for a few days (physically and mentally) and then go and visit. We’re not a generation that ‘suck up’ anything.

With my first, my parents saw them
in hospital the same day and in-laws the second day. I was very traumatised though and would rather have not seen my in laws. Not that I don’t think they were entitled but I felt so rough and battered and messed up that it was hard having them fussing around.
my family are a lot more quiet so that was easier but I found in laws full on. I still think of it now (18 years on!) and want to cry. It was hard. But I probably had post natal depression or PTSD or something. With second child I was more
relaxed and easier birth and was happy to see them all.

Baby arrived at 9.30pm, immediate family arrived at 11am the next day and asked what I would be making them for lunch. Maybe don’t do this 🤣

I had visitors immediately. Literally to the hospital and to the house straight away. It was immediate family first then others.

However, if I had the time over again I honestly think I’d say no visitors for the first couple of weeks.

I know it sounds harsh and ridiculous but it was too much. I was exhausted, trying to establish breastfeeding and get some sleep. People overstayed their welcome and I tried to get back on my feet too quickly.

Id I was having a baby now I’d hibernate for two weeks.

Family came as soon as they could get to us: I think it was on the day we got back from hospital or maybe the next day (can’t remember!). Hospital visits not possible because of Covid.

But TBH it was hard having visitors as my DD slept a good chunk in the day, but barely at night (some nights she didn’t sleep AT ALL until 2, 3 or 4am). So while she was slumbering at lunchtime and I was making small talk I really wished everyone would go away so I could “sleep while the baby sleeps”.

Also I had trouble with breast feeding and could’ve done with privacy: it wasn’t a case of easily popping the baby on the boob for me. If anyone had asked me if I was fine, I’d have said yes, but I’m not sure I really was!

Perhaps worth remembering that women leave hospital much sooner than back in the day when I think women got a night or two in hospital - maybe some are a bit shell shocked after leaving same day! I think waiting a day or two is reasonable.

I would turn up with food (I really welcomed snacks!)

Day after with DS for all the grandparents, whilst I was still in the hospital. I had an elective CS, so we’d already arranged it. I’d thought I’d be too overwhelmed and out of
it the day of the section, but in reality I had the strongest instinct to show him off, especially to my Mum - like baby Simba in the Lion King!

Off topic but the next time
someone starts a thread asking to name your most cringworthy words or expressions the top of my list will definitely be
'baby bubble' Having just read it again I've still got that nails scraping a blackboard feeling 😂

Having visitors in hospital seems wild to me! I was maybe 5 days after for dad and sibling. Everyone else was a week or two later. Trying to breastfeed whenever the baby is awake etc and heal from stitches with visitors sounds awful!

After my twins arrived prematurely my parents were abroad and uncontactable so my cousin in law and his mum visited me in hospital which was lovely and very kind.
My babies were in special care and my parents in law also visited and spent an hour sitting on my bed arguing about where to build a chicken shed 🙄
When my son was born four years later my parents “blagged” their way into the hospital with my daughters just as I was about to be discharged and then proceeded to stay for a week doing absolutely nothing useful.

My parents and sister were in the waiting room! So they saw ds within an hour of birth! Then I had to stay in for 4 days, anyone who wanted to came in.
then we had an actual party at 7 days old!