To ask you how long you waited before visitors

Grandparents straight away - they are usually so excited. Most parents seem to go out with their newborns straight away these days, so can't see a problem with visitors - but only if they are willing to muck in, make a cuppa, pop to the shop, walk the dog... useful visitors.

Really? I must have imagined both grandads had normal middle class jobs, lived in large detached houses, big garden, both Mum’s stayed home the primary years and no one worked past early 60’s. Several holidays a year in retirement and we both (me and DH) had foreign holidays as children and fantastic childhoods.

I’m so glad we had that but denying that the new generation of new parents have a much harder job of getting a decent house, garden, being able to stay home etc is ridiculous. I went to public school from a normal, good middle class income. I don’t know anyone who could even touch private school fees in our area (even with excellent jobs).

Same as us, we see ours together as a family. However, if it was practical, ours would have happily done childcare for us in the younger years (and they wouldn’t have held it against us that we saw them a few days after giving birth!) 🙄

The information about Boomer parents here is socially & financially incorrect.

Three DC, visits all straight away.

Oh gosh, I don't know what happened to the post trail as I only read the opening one. But this seems like it got quite heated. Just to add to my previous answer/opinion. We don't use grandparents for childcare ever. They've never stayed with them overnight or without us at any point and they've also never travelled to us, we always travel to them (both sets) I think every family have their own circumstances and maybe emotions have taken over the last few days.

When I have kids, please let me not be this bitter as a new grandparent 🙈

Were you also the generation that could buy a house on one income and often a parent stay at home (if they wanted to)? Im fortunate I got to stay at home for the first few years as DH has a good income for our area, whereas very few of my friends could. Some went back to work after a few months due to the cost of living. The average house price in our area is about 10 times the average salary (you wont get a tiny starter home under £400k in our area yet we’re in the south west - no London wages down here). Our generation are working till we’re nearly 70, both of our parents were retired before or early 60’s. They are very grateful for that and appreciate how different it is for new parents these days.

Luckily our ‘boomer’ parents recognise how lucky they were to have detached houses, big garden on one income, holidays, never needing childcare in the younger years (which most families pay for unless you have a grandparent down the road) and even then, most pay for nurseries aswell and the grandparents actually want to do the childcare!

So if new parents want a few days to recover after going through a life changing, hugely emotional and most likely very painful event, hopefully nobody would be nasty enough to hold the odd days babysitting against them later down the line. Very sad if anyone has that kind of transactional relationship with their child.

Maybe because she was the one who gave birth and really could have done with a hug from her own mum, first?

I would say a week for us. I think it was 5 days with my first and it's was a difficult birth and recovery. It was too soon. With my second it was a more straightforward birth but we waited a bit longer. It's definitely not favoured by my own parents but I'm really glad we decided. They even wanted to see the baby before their sibling had. Boundaries are super important, it's such a tough time for new mums. You don't want to feel like you have to be up and about and ready for visitors.
I had one friend who was moving away, they popped round to say goodbye, ordered us pizza delivery and it was so lovely. That's the best way, send your support by bringing round some dinner, but with no alternative motives of getting baby cuddles.

With our first we said that we wanted to wait, then rang up two days later BEGGING my mum and dad to come. With our second they visited us in hospital and waited to greet us on our way home. Though they very much came to help out and we weren't hosting them atall.

Yeah we had family straight away too. Tbh I think now people are more worried about having to entertain and having something passed on to the baby (in this season rightly but when there’s not a lot of sickness about I don’t think it’s necessary) and they lose out on some of the normality and loveliness of family sitting and chatting, having a laugh in the midst of a new baby. I loved the in laws coming over with a banner and welcoming us home!!

@Teenytinytempo that’s lovely you wanted and got that help, I didn’t feel out my depth I felt entirely confident in what I was doing and wanted to enjoy our bubble with my husband

For someone who likes their own space I was the complete opposite when I had my baby. I wanted all of the people all of the time!! My two best friends came to the hospital and my third best friend came to my home that night along with my mum. I then begged them to come every day! I felt so out of my depth (as most new mums do) they had all had kids so I felt so much more capable when they were around. I have never understood the people who don’t want visitors but each to their own.

Parents and DSis and BIL visited in hospital after 2 days, I was in hospital both times for a few days due to difficult birth/ complications. No rules on this, they came the day after they were told about the births.

Why were you upset that your in-laws got there first? Don’t they have just the same rights to see baby as your parents? I’m confused why you think your parents should have been there first.

True. With my second child I only saw her on e as the rest of the time she kept calling while I as out. Wasn't going to be stuck in the house waiting for her.

I think it’s definitely a generational thing. Younger generation tend to be more insistent on setting boundaries in this way than when I gave birth 35 years ago. Recently, daughter & her DH announced that once in hospital, they would not be releasing any updates on labour progress, the birth etc until a time of their choosing. So we were told about baby’s arrival about 3-4 hours after it actually happened. We did see baby next day though. I understand why op’s DIL might like some space but it’d be polite to give an indication of the timeline on which they’ll likely welcome visitors. I empathise with op but I’d say not to take it personally. Things are just different now 🤷‍♀️ Congrats on your new grandchild 💐

The passing around baby doesn't have to happen, even with visitors.

I had visitors without restraint from day 0 and went on to breastfeed all of mine for well over 2 years.

Glad you did what was right for you, I just don't get the reasoning.

I also think, if my DD has a baby and I can bring her meals, maybe help around the house a bit to give her some rest, visit quickly, cuddle baby quickly if the baby is up for it, hold baby so she can shower or nap. The another DD has a baby and I don't get to meet it for two weeks or have any involvement. Where do you think the closer relationship and bonding is going to happen? Relationships are built through sharing experiences and mutual support. Relationships with your own adult children and grandchildren are no exception.

It's like living overseas from my parents. Of course they are closer to the siblings they get to see more and more detached from my life. Just how it is when there's not that personal touch.

It was advised by professionals for us to not have family visit immediately; the HV and the infant team recommended it. I was desperate to breastfeed, and the advice was that it's easier to establish breastfeeding and recognise breastfeeding cues when your baby isn't being passed around to well-meaning relatives.

My relationship with my Mum prior to the birth of my children was good, and she was really understanding of my want to breastfeed. She checked on (messages/phone calls) within that first week, but didn't pester. She offered to send meals etc. In-laws were less than pleased; they made the assumption that my family had met baby (which was incorrect), and they didn't agree with how we (both my husband and I) wanted to do things.

For subsequent children, we waited for longer than a week for visitors. I don't regret it at all.

I had 3 planned home births, so most of the visitors I would of had were pretty much at the birth, so I suppose you could say immediately in my case 🤣

Well I had a terrible birth with my first DS and had to stay in hospital for a couple of days with him so in laws and my parents visited in hospital and then as my own parents lived an hour away they came to stay for a few days when I got home. However my Mum is a saint so she left me to deal with figuring out being a Mum and she cooked, cleaned and just kept the house going, she left after 3 days and had meal-prepped the whole week for us. When she came back a week later she stopped me from killing my DH as well. Couldn’t have managed half as well without her. I was never precious about visitors as long as they were helpful and didn’t overstay and I knew they were coming. In my (probably) outdated opinion, a grandparent should be allowed to come straight away. I don’t understand this recent situation of wanting to keep people away, I couldn’t wait to show my baby to everyone.

First time round all the family came to the hospital. His side had driven over 3 hours to visit and stayed a few days so they could come as soon as we got home.

Second time around DD was in the NICU for a couple of days so no one came in. My eldest was brought in by my husband. However when we were discharged on day 3 we went to my mum’s and my in-laws had driven over 3 hours again and stayed with my mum. We did is do that we could then leave my mum’s when we had enough. In-laws could be overbearing. I recall my mum popping by and leaving a cooked meal in the porch and didn’t even stay as she knew we were tied with the baby and the toddler and she was being careful but as his parents aren’t local they just descended on us.

As soon as DH went back to work my friends popped in to visit which was fine. They asked and took me as they found me. However second time around I was dropping eldest off at nursery when baby was 2 weeks old so I had to get out as mingle.

Op i think id be a bit more blunt myself and say ooh I just am dying to see the baby please let.me know if I can pop in ill only stay an hour.

I think in terms of bonding well my child having a baby themselves is just mind blowingly special!!!