To ask you how long you waited before visitors

My parents came to the hospital. My husband is NC with his parents but I wouldn't have wanted in-laws there whilst I was trying to breastfeed, having my catheter removed, dealing with lochia, etc.- it's all quite private stuff. Your son didn't give birth and he's not the one in recovery.

Added to that, most guests seem to be incredibly bad at visiting new parents. Guests that we had complained about the mess (DH had been working long hours up to the birth, there were 3 of us + baby in a 2 bed flat, and I had obviously been recently heavily pregnant and not that mobile, so yes, it was a bit messy) ate all the snacks, asked when we were making them lunch and dinner, brought all their emotional problems and drama with them and expected me to continue to act as a free counselling service whilst nursing and then gave unwanted and unhelpful tips including introducing a dummy, adding formula, swaddling and a whole lot of other stuff I'd decided against. "Then you wouldn't be so tired!" Actually, I'd be less tired if you shut up so I could take a nap.

It's not often I'm typical MN but I was in this case. We did a fortnight "baby bubble", I don't regret it, although I realise it was unfair on relatives. I struggled to breastfeed and spent a lot of time on the sofa with my boobs out, no pressure or audience, I was greatful for that time that was just us.

Part of the reason was we weren't local to family, I didn't want people staying a long time or overnight. My parents in law would have respected this and stayed in a hotel, my Dad would not and would have expected to be waited on. I would have liked my Mum to have been there sooner, but she's a package with my Dad!

We've never relied on family for babysitting BTW, we've never been close enough.

Congratulations!

It may have already been mentioned but I understand that in previous generations new mums and babies were kept in hospital a few days. Now it’s home very quickly most of the time so that might be a factor on timeframes too x

Yeah sorry I wanted my Mum to help me change my blood drenched maternity pants and help clean my wound and not my MIL. How insane of me 🙄

Boths sets of parents came to hospital then nipped in almost every day. Child one it was a godsend as I had been ill and then child two they were very much needed as age gap was small and support was essential to me.

i think this no visitors thing has evolved since having my teens. I can understand how it’s hurtful but can also understand new parents needing time too.

Had mine in the eighties. I had seven people in the delivery room about half an hour after giving birth while I was eating my toast

It absolutely isn’t told in antenatal classes. At all.

Sadly I think this is part of the problem for new parents. Many of them know that their parents/in laws are going to come for a visit and roll their eyes at you not wanting to heat a bottle in the microwave or whatever it might be because that’s the most current advice. You’re already feeling so overwhelmed with this huge new responsibility that the thought of having to constantly justify why you are doing even the smallest of things slightly different to how your parents did things seems exhausting. Some grandparents take it so personally that you happen to be following current advice. People say “experts” like it’s a bad word which troubles me.

”Experts” are why we have vaccines and car seats even though “my child was fine without a car seat/vaccines/insert any newer parenting phenomenon here”.

Thats not to mention that there’s bollocks like this where people Chinese whisper nonsense that “experts are telling new parents these days”.

This is MN standard . The baby bubble kept exclusive and relatives held off for a quite a while after the birth.

Only certain relatives though, eh? It's rarely the woman's parents held at arm's length for an infathomable length of time. Almost always her partner's.

Next day. Gave birth Friday night, moved to maternity unit for Saturday night, then they wanted to make sure I was ok with breastfeeding and do some checks so we left about 5pm Sunday. Grandparents all arrived together on Monday morning from 3 hours away in different directions.

Whole family came the evening we bought the baby home. Grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins. Wouldn't have it any other way.

Mm, I can’t quite remember. We certainly didn’t have a set idea. I think both sets of parents visited within the first four days. I had two nights in hospital both times, with no visitors, Covid the first time and my choice the second. I just couldn’t bear the thought of anyone besides me, DH and baby squeezing in that horrible, hot, tiny, dark space with all the blood, sweat and tears (and the rest!) all over everything! I was much happier once I was home. Then siblings were sort of thereafter as it suited us and them.
I know with my youngest my mum didn’t seem in any hurry at all. I’m sure she was doing her best to be considerate and put no pressure on but it actually hurt my feelings a bit 😂

Both sets of grandparents and siblings came to visit in the hospital with both mine and also pretty much as soon as we got home. In retrospect I could have done with a day at home without visitors with my first as I had a traumatic birth and episotomy/forceps and a very long labour but I guess I didn't realise you could say no 😂. My youngest is 6 so not long ago. Everyone is different. I think with immediate family it's ok to wait a couple of days but personally I wouldn't make grandparents wait much longer (as long as they don't outstay their welcome 🙈).

My Mil visited me in hospital, I am not sure how many days in, as I was there for a while. Traumatic delivery- c-section and pre-eclampsia- so it wasn’t for a few days, maybe day 4 or 5. With dd2 I had another section but I wasn’t in for long , and I would have liked visitors as soon as the catheter was out but only my DH came with our toddler, the grandparents visited once I was home.

My parents and his mum visited that night and then sister and his dad visited when I left hospital. Everyone's different but personally I liked my family there as I had a section and it was our first baby so appreciated the help !

Not every woman is the same.

Some women are in shock after they've given birth and just wanted their own mum.

Some women struggle to bond with their baby and having other people around doing a 'better job' of bonding makes them feel worse.

Some women have horrific labours - long, or hard - and just don't want people around them while they recover.

We need to normalise people taking what they need and not being so judgemental. No one - not even grandparents - has the right to see us or our children, and the first time you meet your grandchild is as magical at 5 days old, as 5 hours.

If the OP's son and dil don't want visitors for 2 weeks, fair play to them. It's their baby, not a fidget spinner. They're getting what they need.

If you were well up for seeing people within a few hours or days of giving birth, fair play to you. You got what you needed.

Human biology hasn’t changed but society has. Surely you believe things have changed for women throughout generations?

Thankfully now women are less inclined to “put up or shut up”. They are gradually becoming more able to put their own needs first and not that of an excited grandparent, if they feel they need the time to mentally or physically recover from one of the biggest traumas the human body can go through and survive.

Of course women are not a homogeneous mass. Some will feel “revived” by having people visit and others will feel drained. Neither are wrong. One isn’t better than the other. It just should be perfectly acceptable for a woman to say, my body has just been through hell, please can I have 24/48/72 hours to recover? Since it literally makes no difference to anyone whether they meet a 24 hour old baby or a 72 hour old one.

There’s so much stuff pushed to new parents on social media these days about agressively NEEDING strong boundaries for the first 2-3 weeks. My parents came the hospital the same day baby was born and my in laws came to our house when baby was 3 days old. I loved seeing people doting on the baby and how much joy they brought.

I would have been perfectly happy for visitors in the hospital, but it wasn't quite the way it went.

Mum was in the room with me with my first. She had to go home not long after though. My dad popped his head in to say hello as they were leaving. The rest of my family met baby a couple weeks later. My in-laws was about a week later.

With my second it was late COVID times. The rules were lifted just over a week later. My in-laws weren't allowed to come up to visit me on the ward as they had my eldest with them. I wasn't allowed to take my own baby off the ward to go and see them. I'm still sad about it as they had done us a huge favour at very short notice, and I would have loved them to have met their new grandbaby ASAP. My family met baby about a week later. My in-laws was about a month.

I didn't allow anyone to visit me in hospital with any of our children (my eldest is 10, youngest is 4). I think it all depends on how the mother is and the sort of relationship she has with you. I saw family a few days to over a week later with our children, I don't get the rush to see a new baby. You will always be told "mum and baby are doing well" when a birth announcement is made, reality is "mum has lost nearly a litre of blood and had a baby pulled out with a pair of salad tongues, she can't currently sit, stand or walk properly, don't pop over anytime soon" is what it should say really in some cases. Even if she wasn't ripped up to her armpits she might just want a week+ to have some time with her baby and husband, I loved not being bothered the first week, my third child I had during covid was great for this.

It's entirely up to the mum and how she feels, whatever you do don't go pressuring her to see the baby, I think this is always the difference between your own mum and mil, your own mum wants to see you and know you are ok, your mil only wants to meet the baby, there's no interest in wanting to see you or make sure you are ok, if this was the case you'd be happy to wait until she is recovered and feels more herself before you are badgering to visit. So I'd say 1 week+ for meeting a new baby even if you are a grandparent.

I would not have wanted my baby taken away from me like that in the early days, and don’t think it’s reasonable to expect all new mothers to be happy with that. The bond is such an animal thing for a while and I hate the pressure on women to be cool with having their baby whisked away and especially out of sight as if it’s a favour to do so, when it’s just people prioritising having a newborn cuddle over the mother or baby’s needs.

With DC1 all the GPs visited while I was still in hospital, so the first couple of days.

DC2 was born at home and my sister looked after my toddler while i was in labour, brought him round to see the baby then took him back to hers for the first night for a sleepover with his cousins. The GPs all visited a day or two later.

With DC3 my in laws were at my house looking after DC1 and DC2 while I was in hospital and were obviously there as soon as I went home. My own mum visited pretty soon after.

So basically, they all saw all of them within the first 72 hours, more or less. It was fine. They came, they cooed, they helped a bit, they left. I didn't fall apart or sink into post-partum depression from the outrageous intrusion of it all. No babies starved due to my inability to establish a feeding routine because I let the in-laws over the threshold for a few hours in the first month.

You are massively misappropriating the advice given. No antenatal classes are telling women not to have family visit for a week. They say that parents should be doing the feeding, the rocking to sleep, basically the care of the baby in the early days. Lots of “visitors” want to give the baby a bottle, cuddle them when they cry etc but you don’t really need an “expert” to tell you that in the early days it makes sense for the parents to do it.

But human beings haven't changed that much in a generation surely? Same physiology, same hormones etc

I quoted both mine and my DDs experience. And seeing as I have two DGC under a year old that's hardly out of date

DC1 - emergency c-section and my mum and sister were allowed into the recovery room about 4 hours later! I was delighted to see them, but then the stream of people started and it was awful.
I was in hospital for a week afterwards as I lost a lot of blood, Was fine for MIL and my best friend to visit on day 2, but then half our family wanted to visit and if became overwhelming. People stayed for ages and I had a catheter in, was trying to establish breastfeeding and felt like shit.

Wheh we finally got home there was a visitor most days and MIL came round every day and constantly wanted to hold our baby and fuss around him. I hated it.

DC2 - planned c-section, only in hospital for 48 hours. Only my mum (and DC1) came to the hospital.

MIL came on day 3 for a short visit. DH had a word and she was less overbearing.

I didn’t have any other visitors for 2 weeks after that. It was bliss.

Wow, I can't believe this is told in antenatal classes, seems so sad and peculiar to me. I'm in my earlier 40's and had my kids 12/14 years ago, so not really old!😄But I do get the, an 'expert' told me so it must be true, feeling with your first I suppose. Gosh, how sad.