To ask you how long you waited before visitors

We planned family visits in hospital (far less stress and enforced limit on visitors / visiting hours). My sister and mother-in-law visited then as we could only fit two people in the window, my dad came for an hour the day after we got home (scheduled section, so he knew to plan the time off) and we then didn't have anyone for a week after - just my mother-in-law again briefly, who took me to hospital as I was very unwell.

It was honestly one of the things I was most stressed about before birth, and we would have massively struggled if we'd been under pressure to accommodate more people, as there was so much going on - horrendous illness, recovering from C-section, baby not feeding, jaundice, massive sleep deprivation.

Remember that even a 'normal' birth is physically, mentally and emotionally traumatic, and while some people might be desperate to share their baby, it also might be someone's worst nightmare - not everyone feels the same.

DD1 - both sides of family visited in hospital.
DS1 - was in high dependency unit then discharged myself from post-natal when got there (it was AWFUL) so saw both sides of family at home the day I got back.
With both kids we went out and about over the first week home because I wanted to show them off to everyone.
I had my kids in my 40s and couldn't believe we'd managed it - wanted to show the world as soon as I could. But everyone's different.

My eldest was born in March 2020 so… 3/4 months until grandparents met her in person and held her. They did come see her through the window though… what a weird time that was looking back.
With my youngest I didn’t want anyone visiting in the hospital. ILs visited the day we got home and my parents visited the day after.

Or Philip Larkin was spot on. “Generational trauma”! 😂

With our first, all our close relatives came to visit in the hospital as we were in for a few days. With our second, my in laws were staying to help with our oldest so met the second born when we got home from hospital the following morning. I would have been sad if everyone stayed away as I really wanted to see our family. I remember the midwife being horrified that I had lots of family coming for lunch when the baby was a few days old but I had the easiest time as our parents sorted lunch & I didn't have to move a muscle. I hope you get to meet your grandchild soon.

Lol we did even have a car so not likely to be left in it. I enjoyed the " treat" of a coke and bag of crisps sat outside the pub. Never allowed fizzy drinks otherwise

Without the car I'm my sure what people are getting so uptight about this for

I invited my family over pretty much straight away both times and in hindsight I wish I had waited a bit. But I have an awkward relationship with most of my family. Was trying to pretend there was a closeness there by having them straight over and actually it just felt too soon. Currently have #3 on board and not planning to see anyone for few days/a week this time.

With #1 we had really good friends due over the night before the baby arrived and I just didn't cancel. Also didn't tell them the baby was there 🤣 that was quite fun.

Gosh well our DS was preemie and in the NICU for 2 weeks plus crazy Covid times so there was only DH and I able to see him while he was in hospital. When we got him home - I think we had parents over a few days later over a week (all live a number of hours away so involved hosting for 2/3 nights each).

I’d recommend just playing it by ear a bit and rolling with it - probably they’re all over the place and trying to find themselves!! It’ll all come good - just don’t push it!!

Yes, that’s the whole point isn’t it! 1) societal norms and expectations change. 2) we repair the damage we feel was inflicted and aim to break generational trauma

And I’m sure there are aspects of your parenting that your children won’t replicate with their children too.

they might not have done that, but I’m sure there were other elements of your upbringing that you wouldn’t replicate if you’re over the age of thirty, on your own children now.

Your parents may have behaved like that. Mine didn’t nor did I or any of my friends.

Yeah, it absolutely was the norm. See also leaving your kids in the car for hours while you trundle around a DIY store/garden centre. Smoking in cars with kids. Feeding them Smash and spaghetti hoops for dinner. That generation of parents have got very good at drawing a veil over the reality of the “parenting” they did.

With DD1, everyone came as soon as I was home. With DD2 I will likely have my mum visit in hospital (I’ll have a 2-3 day admission due to medication I’m on) and she works in the hospital I’m delivering in this time! And my family anytime and my in laws after a week. I love my in laws but they’re always guests, I’ve got to host them. My family will look after me. Make me supper, be happy if I shower whilst they’re here. They know how to work my washer dryer and my dishwasher, and they also regularly look after my oldest daughter which my In laws never have. Honestly no issue with this at all, but my family will be welcome sooner because they lighten the load, and my in laws later because they add to it. I was readmitted to hospital after all my stitches ripped because I wasn’t taking it easy enough when DD was born, so I’m taking all the help I can get. My family are coming primarily to help me, seeing the baby is a perk of that. My parents will also have care of my DD1 and the dog, and will drop them off as soon as we’re home- so naturally they’ll be here pretty soon!

I understand a new mum having just given birth predominately wanting her mum around to help in the first few days if this is possible. I certainly did & I was grateful for the help. What I can't understand is treating it like a competition as to who sees the baby first.. My parents-in-law were the first to see their Grandson due to mine working on the day so they visited at night. I had no issue with this. Both sets of parents were equally involved in helping out when I went back to work. If anything my mil did more & my mum was grateful given her own working hours.

I've sat in cars with a bag of crisps and a can of pop while my parents drank inside.

Note that they drove to the pub, sat us in the car while they got drunk and drove back again.

But yes. It's the rising generations of mums that are precious and selfish.

Everyone met all our children straight away i was so excited to show them off tell them about my birth etc. The only time I would say something is if someone stayed for hours and hours but nobody did it was a great experience. And if I had another I would feel the same. I'd feel like I was being controlling, weird and demanding that my loved ones couldn't meet the new addition. Thankfully I don't know anyone in real life like this just mumsnet world

Son in law was fine when I said if his sister has a baby then she will want his mum first and foremost

That’s exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about. Good for you for standing up for her and hopefully they took it on board!

Well yes I had to explain this to my son in law when my daughter gave birth to her eldest. His mother complained I attended the birth ( early morning) and she had to wait till after lunch when they got home

Yes I completely agree and am fully in support of that. But also fully in support of asking for space if that’s what people need. And when it comes to PIL, I do think that’s different from your own mum. I know that’s hard for some people to hear but it’s just the way it is. A new mum in a vulnerable state is much more comfortable with and has more need for her own parents (if that’s what she wants).

But that's not a case of visiting, that's more a case of rudeness. I assume you had the babies father around though rather than being totally alone.

I had a 1 bed flat at the time and mum slept on sofa

But what if a visit from your mother had involved more work for you, rather than less? If your mother had to be picked up from a distant airport and fetched and carried between her accommodation and yours because you couldn’t put her up.

I mean, I would have loved a visit from a mother whose presence made my life recovering from a CS with a high-needs baby and no milk supply easier, but that wasn’t an option. It was much, much easier not to have her there, which is why I didn’t.)

I can only comment on my own experience of similar.
I had twins born 9 weeks early, they spent 6 weeks in nicu. I was poorly myself, but wanted to see my parents the next day, as I just wanted my mum. My parents briefly saw the babies in the incubators for 10 mins. My DH's parents didnt visit the hospital until 1.5 weeks after the birth. I love my in-laws, but I felt like death, very vulnerable and I just didnt want them there, regardless of how lovely they are.

With our youngest, we were out of hospital the following day. I missed out on so many experiences with our twins, and we both craved time with our newborn alone.
My parents visited 5 days after DS was born. Their visit mostly was them doing the washing, helping with our older DS's and just giving me, DH and newborn time to bond. To my recollection, my parents didn't hold DS on their first visit. There was no expectation that we had to host them etc.
I also had a strong desire to keep hold of baby (maybe a trauma response from the birth i experienced with my twins- they were taken away immediately- i didnt see them or hold them for 24hours).
My parents didnt push this when I said I'd rather not hand him over for cuddles yet.
My in-laws came on day 6. Mainly because they knew my parents had been and just didn't feel I could say no. I regret us not being stronger on this. (I caveat this- I love my in laws!!!) They came, my MIL took DS out of my arms and he was then passed around for over 2 hours between my in laws and SIL. 6 days post csection, I hosted them, making tea & biscuits, whilst not feeling like I could ask for my baby back!
My DH also had little say, as they ignored our other DS's who were still very little and he had to supervise and care for them, as i was unable to due to my csection.
It wasn't a logical feeling, more of a primal gut feeling that i felt uncomfortable with them man handling my newborn. I didnt want them holding him at all to be honest.

I would say, if they decide to hold out on visitors, that you need to respect their boundaries. Even if they have allowed DIL's parents to visit already. She may not understand herself why she feels how she does, so be patient and respectful of their wishes. Please don't expect to hold the baby and if its not offered dont make them feel bad.

I say this as a mum to only boys... if my boys ever become fathers and have kids, I fully intend to not be onto of those monster- MIL's that seem to be all over mumsnet! I fully understand that there can be a huge unspoken difference between your own mum and MIL, regardless of how wonderful the MIL is!

If I'd had such a birth id have definitely wanted my mum there to take care of me. She stayed for a week when my eldest was born and was a godsend. She did housework and cooked done meals and was company for me. And my birth experience was ok.

I dread to think if I'd had an awful birth and then just left to rot on my own with a baby to see to