DS 20 not coping with work - get him to claim UC?

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Once he is allowed to jack in work (and have people like me who have worked consistently throughout adulthood pay his way through life) that will be it. He will be living with you forever, he will be sleeping until well into the afternoon, gaming every hour he is awake, eating crap, being monosyllabic and will become yet another unemployment statistic.

I don't think anybody would argue he ought to stay in roles that are making him ill, but doing nothing could be catastrophic if it becomes the norm. He's so young and it would be such a shame if his potential was wasted.

Outdoor or physical work is probably the answer. Could he learn a trade, be an assistant to a landscaper / gardener, labouring...anything like that?

Did he cope well at school? Does he like routine? What are his hobbies (outdoors, gaming, reading...?)

It's obvious that both you and he are wore down. Perhaps a few weeks of a break to restabilise himself would be good, but I wouldnt be putting him on UC just yet.

Hes only 20. He has a long life to live yet, but unfortunately he's just at the age where he is figuring out what that life involves.

Have you both looked into accessible working or volunteering? So a job whereby he isn't so tied down by the 9-5, 5 days a week etc.. where if he's unwell then his employers (usually a volunteer service or got funded scheme) take this into account and offer him some options whether that be reduced working hours, more breaks, more flexibility on timekeeping (for example start between 8-10am) etc.

Yeah, this is me when I'm working FT. I sleep all the rest of the time.

You do need to scaffold him but not enable him tho, as this can't go on.

Give him some space and then find work where he's out and about, not having to deal with people all the time and it's time-bound or finite. Honestly, there are jobs suited to adhd people and it's finding them.

There's also help from the government if he has extra needs (can't remember what it is but the ads are targetted at me!) or he could go and study (DSA).

Temping might also work better for him, as short-term contracts.

Also, I have ADHD too and have realised - sadly - that I just can't work full time. I can either do full time work for a few weeks then take some weeks off - so short term contracts are fine, or work about 20-25 hours a week. My brain just needs extra processing time. I wish it didn't but it does. Maybe help him ease back into work - a couple of short shifts a week, and also help him as a longer term plan, work out what he is good at that can earn him the most money per hour so he can do fewer hours but still earn a reasonable income.

I would give him some down time and then look at programme such as the kings trust followed by a supported internship. I know you can still claim UC whilst on the kings trust programme.

ignore the shitty post about putting him on the scrap heap clearly a poster without any understanding of the situation. There’s nothing to say you D’s won’t make it into paid employment in the future but it sounds like he needs to access some more supportive programmes first to get him there.

You clearly have no idea of what the OP is coping with.

OP< is he on medication? The correct - maybe slow release – ADHD medication (something like Zaggitin?) in conjunction with a low dose of an anti-anxiety like Sertraline might help.

In your and his situation, I would suggest he ditches work, gets UC for now, and you agree with him a plan to help him get better over the course of a year or so. I did this with DS at around that age. and it was exhausting. We did a lot of CBT worksheets helping him understand self-compassion and self-care, helping him identify and combat various aspects of distorted thiking. It helped a lot to find online sources - especially videos fronted by young men of a similar age to him, which explained how these things worked. He didn;t quite trust his mum, but my advice in conjunction with a few cool ADHD?autistic influencers did get through to him.

It really was draining on me, but worth it. One thing I noticed is that he never seemed to register how much support he was getting and that it was working until he was almost fully better. You just have to keep going.

Now DS has a full time job, lives in a flat with his mates, has a girlfriend. None of this seemed possible a few years ago. The job still utterly exhausts him. But he can cope with it. And he does make time to socialise too.

Yanbu op. Autistic burnout with or without ADHD is truly awful. I have an autistic child who is showing signs of burnout and struggling to finish a 3yr Uni degree course.

I have said to them that they may need to take a gap year to come home, rest and do nothing and then go back and finish the degree when recovered.

You can’t push through burnout
You can’t try something new instead of rest as something new is also stressful
The longer or harder you try and keep going, the worse the crash and the longer the recovery.

Do you have any experience of an AUDHD young person in repeated episodes of severe burnout?

@dsworkI feel for you. My DS age 20 with ASD and ADHD as well as physical disabilities, has just left university as wasn’t able to manage. He’s really not in a situation to work, in part it’s burn out but in part he hasn’t got the capacity to manage himself and isn’t able to respond to me in as I could when he was younger. I am considering supporting him down the UC route too. We are all exhausted, it’s tough.

I think you need to encourage him to take sick leave for a breather. Then use a bit of time to work out what is next -

• could he talk to his current employer about support/reduced hours in his current job?
• is there another line of work he'd enjoy?
• what else would he like to do?

I sympathise ,my DD struggles like this .It's very stressful .She has had a variety of jobs and its made her unwell.I think the current climate of jobs to fit all doesnt work very well .Mums are stressed out so much as well.

Why would she??

There's a time and a place for that and this thread isn't it.

I'm quite surprised you can't see that.

When he is well enough to go back to work could you look at garden centres (perhaps a small one). If he was just watering plants, putting the plants out when they come in on the big racks that might not be too stressful for him, but first he needs to get well

Wishing you both well for the future

Ffs 🙄

Firstly OP I would like to say well done to both you and your son for trying so many different types of work. You’re clearly a great supportive mum and your DS sounds like he is trying so hard.

He definitely sounds like he (and you) need a break to regroup) working with AuADHD can be extraordinarily difficult.

He sounds like it has made him ill. He needs to spend time understanding his strengths and triggers, building up his self esteem.

it sounds like the fast paced environments where your son has little autonomy is (like for many NDs) is too stressful. It might be that he needs to find something a little more solitary and less process driven. Unfortunately, with the advent of AI, these jobs are becoming increasingly rare.

Find his strengths OP. Find a job that plays to them.

Find natural ways to manage his anxiety that are safe for his low blood pressure

Good luck to you both

THIS
Have a look on the autism charity websites .
It is a disability and reasonable adjustments should be made for him !

op be and you definitely need a break, probably on ESA as per pp. I'd give him a few weeks reset until his anxiety is settled and then insist on a routine. up same time every day, helping around the house, look for some online course or training, some low hours voluntary work or work training etc

So.. you post twice on this thread that is here asking for help/advice, and both are attacking the OP.

Why are you even here?

Is he on ADHD medication? That can help ease some of the anxiety. I would absolutely agree that is he's in burnout, he needs to stop working and take the time to recover.

She’s also not said anything negative about him, apart from how unwell he is - but that’s not a personal attack.

This thread is about him being unwell and advice surrounding it.

There has not been any need to list his positives or negatives.

When I tried sertraline, I was vomitng and had diarrhoea for six weeks straight. I lost 1/3rd of my body weight. The 6 week mark was used for me too, but as the side effects were just getting worse not better, I was taken off it.

So there is no guarantee that sertraline side effects will settle down.

No, it would set a precedent for the rest of his life. Continue to support him. He will likely get used to it.

YABVU. I say this gently, but it’s worth asking whether you might be part of the problem. ADHD doesn’t mean someone can’t work. It usually means certain jobs or environments are not a great fit. Instead of stepping away from work altogether, it would make more sense to look at which parts of these roles your son finds stressful and help him find work that avoids those pressures. Universal Credit is a safety net not a solution and its a changeable one at that. If a future government cuts benefits, what happens to your son then? And longer term, when you’re no longer there to support him, how will he cope without having developed any tools for independence? Helping him find the right kind of work and create the right habits is far more likely to give him stability and self respect than encouraging him not to work at all.