DS 20 not coping with work - get him to claim UC?

For what it's worth, and I know every individual is different, my ND son had such paralyzing anxiety at uni that he suffered what used to be called a "nervous breakdown" and had to drop out. Ten years later, he is in a different and much, much better place mentally. It took a long time and it wasn't easy, but he eventually got a part time job, went back to uni part-time online, got his degree, and got a CELTA qualification. He did this without medication or therapy - just, as he put it, a lot of sitting with himself, and honest introspection.

I'm not saying that what worked for him will work for your son, I'm just saying that there's hope, and in ten years your son may well also be in a different and better place. But I think it has to be done at his pace, in his own time, so if what he needs right now is some time out, that's what you should do.

Maybe what your son needs is a job that is high routine/low contact with other humans. Retail, hospitality and admin all seem like jobs designed to stress out the neurodivergent. How does he fill his time when he's at home and not working?

I do think you need to encourage him to do something positive if he stops working to get him work ready, eg volunteering perhaps in the open air, and definitely chores at home. He’s not coping but from having an autistic dd I know that she slipped into not doing anything too easily when she is capable of doing something, she works 15 hours a week which seems to be an equilibrium

Does he take ADHD medication?
my DH struggled to hold down a job (ASD/adhd) but since starting on ADHD medication he’s now been in his current job for 2 years. It’s genuinely changed his life as it helps him to focus

I have a DD very similar so understand the stress. She is now in a work experience placement run and supervised by the local college who understand these young adults needs and are gently supporting them into a position where in the future they may be able to cope with work.
It is unpaid but she receives UC.
There may be something similar in your area?

Sounds like a good plan to claim UC whilst you find a different job plan and recover. I agree with your GP. You both need a break, after two and a half years it’s not supposed to be that hard. I agree there’s something out there though, plenty of us take a while to find the thing that works.

is there something positive he can do whilst he’s recovering that would make him feel good about himself?

@StrokeCitythank you fir saying that- there is so little understanding.

BOTH my YP are currently very close to Autistic Burnout. One is 18, one is 21. One ASD, one AuDHD. Both severely Dyslexic, both Dyspraxic. The older one has had heart problems & has POTS.
We are planning a summer gap 3m. Sleeping, eating healthily, getting outside in daylight. Reading, drawing, processing the last 15 years of school (relentlessly difficult for all). If I continue to 'push' one or more of us will have a breakdown. I claim UC & Carers but they are not in receipt of benefits. I hope by Sept they will be able to manage education/ p/t work.
With the best will in the world, & the correct meds being available (a whole other story) they are only likely to manage p/t work.
This is not me 'throwing them on the scrapheap' this is reality. Cooking, hygiene, laundry, admin, social interaction is significantly harder & more exhausting for them than for non disabled people. Add in study/work & it's a daily mountain to climb.

Now I'm not constantly having to micromanage School/College etc I might be able to come up with a small home businesss plan, so they can be economically productive that way, as God knows if Reform are voted in, everyone 'on benefits' /trying to find disability friendly employment will find life even harder than it is now.

Rather than looking for another job, try to work out what stresses him. Being on uc for the rest of his life will not make him happy

My nephew had a similar problem and took 6 months working outside as a volunteer for a conservation charity. Went on a few training courses paid for by them, then applied for a full time paid position working for them somewhere rural and has been there, happy, ever since.

Has he got any medication for any of the conditions? Worth a try tbh

Yes he could claim UC. If he is unfit to look for work currently then he can hand in fit notes to say he is unfit for work and that would start off the UC work capability process. Let them know that he also receives PIP. They may well have disability work coaches who can help support him, the government are currently putting in a lot of extra support in this area.

Some horrible posts on here.

Asd burnout is a condition recognised by the RCPYs. And the only way out is by reducing demand and increasing rest. The ONLY way out. If it’s ignored it becomes permanent. Then where would the benefit whingers be?

My df was in WW2. It broke him. So big wow to the fighter pilots. And the fascist benefit Scrooge’s.

AUDHD doesn’t go away and can be a severe fluctuating disability. Aren’t you lucky you have the privilege of making nasty comments?. Walk a mile in the 20 year old’s shoes first.

The frontal lobe is still developing at 20
I’m not saying that’s justification for everything but if he’s already depressed and he’s still growing as well it’s not a recipe for success. When it comes to employment. It doesn’t mean to say he’ll always be that way.
I think most people of our generation in the 90s were a bit of a fuck up until we hit 25
It’s just that the world was a bit more forgiving

I'd keep going with the jobs, eventually he'll find one that fits. My brother with ASD works on a farm. My ASD cousin works in a warehouse.

My friend's ASD / ADHD brother mows lawns / does gardening. He was lucky in that his dad was able to retire young (police) and helped set up the business for him, and worked alongside him for many years. He now does it all independently.

Not saying farming or warehouse work or gardening are the answer but there will be something.

It is so sad to hear such judgmental posts from people who don’t understand how challenging life is for people with disabilities.
As others have said, look into getting help from outside services. Your son is an adult and should be entitled to help from outside agencies in his own right. We got support from Social Services employment team and they were terrific at giving advice about entitlement to benefits as well as PT jobs. They helped DS secure a PT job as well as with access to work. I’m not sure if your son has had a needs assessment for Social services. If not it might be worth looking into. DS also does voluntary work and we are exploring social activities too.
If you are spending so much time supporting him into work as well as caring for his needs in general, you are likely to get burnout too and you can’t sustain that forever as no doubt the last 20 years have been tough too.
Id also recommend looking into ESA/ LCWRA criteria and seeing if your son meets it. These benefits are to support people who can’t follow the same work path as others because they are disabled. It is totally different to people who choose not to work.

The ignorance and ableism of some (thankfully a minority) of posters is absolutely sickening.

You don't have to add that you've never supported a young person with these difficulties, as it's obvious!

Thank you for your kind offer.
Being off work and on UC is exactly what he needs for a while - this is precisely why we have a welfare system.

I would get the GP to sign him off for a month. Then, I would look into part-time work going forward.

That is a ridiculous comparison. Once of the really noticeable facts when I went to Bomber Command (a fascinating museum in Lincoln) was the extremely high mortality.

The ones who couldn't hack it or were unlucky were very quickly killed.

Just be quiet if you have nothing useful to add. What a ridiculous, irrelevant comment.

he has lost nearly 1 stone in the last 4 months.

@dswork
It is clear that working is making him more ill (as well as making you ill).

There are two ways for him to claim UC - one, be unemployed and seeing work, or two, be signed off sick or disabled.
If classed as 'unemployed', he will have to put hours into applying for jobs and evidence what he has done, how many jobs applied for, interviews attended, etc. and be quizzed on this every fortnight when he attends the job centre.
If classed as sick or disabled, he won't be required to look for work.

So I recommend going back to the GP and getting him signed off sick. He then leaves his job, claims UC as sick, and keeps getting further GP notes for as long as possible.
BUT he also needs a long term plan and outside professional intervention to get him into a job he can keep, with someone else supporting him other than you.

Don't force this long term plan though, until has gained weight and his health is better. Which may be a year or more, depending on his autism.

Whilst he is off sick, he needs structured activities that get him out of the house several days a week, every week.

Maybe you are supporting him too much - he is an adult and you are baby-ing him.

But sure, get him to quit work and I'll pay for him instead.

It's not always true that people get "too comfortable" not working.

My kid missed years of school and was in his bedroom. Now he is at uni, working, has friends and a girlfriend. This all only came about cause he had time to rest and restore and work out what he wanted and what would work for him.

It's not always helpful to say that any rest time needs to be productive. He maybe needs some time to do NOTHING intentionally, rather than brush up on skills and make a plan, that could just make things worse.

There is so much judgement and lack of empathy on this thread.

Ignore the unhelpful comments, OP. Most people have no idea how exhausting it can be dealing with ND children - even when they are adults.