DS 20 not coping with work - get him to claim UC?

I’ve been there at that age. Undiagnosed ASD, unmedicated anxiety, working unskilled jobs. I had to work because I had no backup plan. My country had no program that I could use. I sobbed in my car. Sometimes I sobbed at work.

I don’t know what your son should do in the short term. I do know that in the long term he needs to get training or education that matches him to a career that works for his personality. Everything you describe is person facing with quick tasks and ever changing interactions. It is an ASD nightmare.

If he’s in burnout and doesn’t need the income it’d be legitimate to take a break from work for a few months to recuperate however he would want to avoid having a large gap on his CV. When he returns to work he should start with part time and ideally a less triggering (calmer, quieter, more routine) environment. I would expect a substantial amount of his PIP and income to go towards therapy and work coaching, and for him to dedicate himself to finding strategies that work for him to manage his stress levels and wellbeing. It’s an investment that will pay off over the years. Does he have any interests that could lead to employment?

OP, sometimes we just have to accept that with the best will in the world, you cannot make something happen.

It cannot be the case that you are the main reason he's in work, it is more practical and better for you to let him fall off this particular cliff, and then, having surveyed the wreckage (and gone on UC, and had treatment for his anxiety) decide what to do next.

Get the book 'Let Them' and read that.

Mums can't just support people out of illness, trauma, MH conditions- people on Mumsnet often think if you just try harder, differently, more, then you will be able to solve your children's problems, but that's not always the case.

At the moment, the evidence is telling you he can't cope with work, you can't cope with him working and his work can't cope with him either which is why he always loses his job.

You need to listen to this, give him respite and get him on UC and support him to make a plan for himself.

For ND people, this can involve a different type of lifestyle than those traditionally provided for those without ND. He might flourish as a volunteer in a gardening space, set up for those with ND or other issues. He might do very well with others with ND. He might do better once his nervous system has calmed down as he can't live with that level of anxiety all the time. He might do better on a different medication such as Effexor which helps with anxiety as well as depression, and isn't a beta blocker and doesn't affect BP.

This is not the end of the road, it is a pause. See it as that, give him a big hug and allow him and you to take stock and rest for a while whilst you think up Plan B.

My sympathy for you OP. You sound like an incredible parent for what it’s worth. You’re clearly wanting to do the best for your son, while he is struggling to operate in a world not designed for him.

Honestly sounds like he needs like 3-6 months proper rest. So on that basis yes I’d sign him up for benefits.

In that 3-6 month period you both need to create an employment strategy that’s going to stick. No more doing the same old thing over and over and somehow hoping somethings magically going to change- it’s not.

Get researching on suitable options for him. Good luck.

It is when the person is autistic

This is why AIBU isn’t the place for questions like this. People don’t have an understanding of Neurodiversity. So spout rubbish like this that you’re babying him. I hope you can get him through this period of burnout soon OP and he finds something that suits him when well enough.

The current situation is an absolute ticking timebomb isn't it. We cannot currently afford the numbers on benefits and not enough people working to support it. . However it does sound like this lad needs to claim for the time being.
The government seriously must push ahead with support for people in these circumstances. Intensive support to help them into a job they can mange and stay in longer term.

What does your ds like doing? Working with animals? Playing computer games? Whatever it is, perhaps encourage him to follow that path, e.g. enrol on a course in his interest. He may be better suited to a quieter working environment not face to face which can be very stressful for someone with autism/ADHD. He may need to build up slowly and do things bit by bit, is he accessing support services at all? I know it's not easy, but keep perservering. He may find his way in the end.

I really respect for your son for trying. So many people live off of (and exploit) the welfare system, yet your son, who clearly struggles, has been working and paying tax and contributing to society.

Work is pretty miserable for most people, but for someone with ASD and ADHD it is doubly hard. I hope he finds something that suits him.

You are showing a clear lack of understanding and empathy towards a young man who is disabled and currently unwell. The benefit system is there to support people who are unable to work and it sounds like he has tried very hard to work but isn’t well enough at the moment. This isn’t a young person who is in perfect health and has never done a day’s work. He needs a break from working so that he or his mother don’t reach the stage of having a full MH crisis.

Are you a Christian, as your user name would suggest? If so, I suggest you read your post again and spend some time reflecting.

Would it be worth looking into Green Prescribing for your son? It's something I learned about during my RHS training, and the person gets a link worker who will oversee and support them during nature based activities (such as horticulture) designed to improve people's mental health and confidence.

'Green social prescribing is the practice of supporting people to engage in nature-based interventions and activities to improve their mental and physical health.'

This might be something your son would find therapeutic but which also might spark an interest in something he might like to pursue such as horticulture, which is good for mental health and might also be a good career path?

Is he working full time or part time? Would reducing his hours allow him more time to recuperate without isolating him from work?

The problem with this is that unless he is formally assessed as LCWRA he will have to seek employment & work the hours in order to receive UC. You don’t just get UC and decide not to work.

I read the updates - he wants to work, it just doesn't work for him.
It sounds he really isn't cut for customer facing jobs, at least not now.

Agree with him to intentionally take some time of (plan it for few months) so he can start thinking about the jobs he might be able to do more easily. Get UC to get him more attention.

He can than start with some volunteering or small gigs to try different things out and find what might work for him - dog walking, window cleaning, law moving.

Of course the low stress jobs are harder to find, but he needs one place which will work for him, not a streak of failures and burnout.

@dswork I also just want to make sure that you have seen the post up thread about using Access to Work. It is definitely worth exploring for getting him to and from work and other support.

Nearly all symptoms you write are surrounding severe anxiety, I think I would see a doctor again and look for anxiety medication to treat rhis to be honest, before I suggested he quit,

How cruel.

The OP has been supporting him and he is clearly struggling and has a disability. Some people do have disabilities which makes life more difficult. Try scrolling by if you have nothing helpful or nice to say.

Maybe he needs something to channel his ADHD my son is a barber and he has made a career out of it !
Jobs before this and college didn't work for him he works by himself I do his accounts and run shop bills ect .
Maybe he needs to get back to college and do something he fancies I did have to push my son , he has very successful career now thou !
Don't put him on UC

This post is great. Do this - poster knows her onions.

This gives you a plan for 6 months at least and things change.

I’d add that once he’s signed off sick, would you (both?) be able to get a break aka holiday? I’m not trivialising how you’re feeling now, but amazing what a break can do.

Lots of advice here on what might work longer term for him and you.

Also as mum of ADHD teenager, I know how difficult it is and the toll it takes (we are on GCSEs at the moment, world of work is a looming challenge). You are doing such kind and loving things for your son.

You're getting a lot of ableist replies OP. You say he has no GCSEs, does he have any other qualifications ? Would the King's Trust be able to help? With either qualifications or work? I think he needs to decompress and they many be fo some voluntary work.

I agree. I take medication to enable me to manage my physical condition well enough to be able to work. Likewise I take anxiety medication to keep me mentally well enough to work

I agree that sticking with something is the key. because then you gradually understand more and more about the organisation and the processes and the anxiety starts to ease.
I would be asking work if they have any employee support available. I know my husband has been able to access support for people with autism and this has really helped him managing in the workplace

After my nephew (AuADHD) graduated he really struggled to find work and did loads of placements through charities and access schemes but they were mostly customer-facing and needed rapid customer service abilities. For the last year or so he’s been doing two shifts a week in a warehouse and is now feeling confident and stable enough to look for better paid work with more prospects.

your son is actually doing amazingly well to keep getting jobs at all in the current climate but if he is burning out from the ‘wrong sort’ then something lower stress whilst he rebuilds his confidence and resilience could be really valuable

he could also look at entry level apprenticeships in things like NHS/public sector admin where there’s a fair degree of low stress, repetitive work and ongoing support from a learning coach whilst on the apprenticeship.

he really will need functional skills qualifications in English and maths though

I've found it great for anxiety - without it, I really struggle with compulsive thoughts and terrible health anxiety, but all that's gone since I started taking it. I didn't put on weight or anything like that either - I am on a very low dose though.