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Original poster

Moving abroad first bringing children later

212 replies

ThatLilacStork · 16/01/2026 06:04

Hello, I’ve been offered a new job abroad I have two children 8 and 12 and I am not with their father, this new job is considerably more income and would completely change our lives for the better, their father has given permission for the kids to go on the basis of I go first and get a life set up for them eg, find a home and school.

He suggested I go for three months come back for a month take them over for a month during holidays bring them back then go for another three months and build it up slowly like that. But it would mean spending a number of months away from them.

Does this seem insane or does it seem doable? My children are pretty adaptable as I have not been with their father for many years so have always moved between us sometimes for a few weeks at a time depending on school holidays.

I should add kids are keen to move but older one wants to stay settled in school until we have a solid foundation to move to, thanks for reading

OP posts:
TadpolesInPool · 16/01/2026 06:13

No way, and I say that as someone who moved an 8 and 11 year old overseas.

DH went first for 3 months to find a house and finalise schools (we d got 1 place beforehand, thanks to a visio interview).

I spent those 3 months working my arse off: FT work + looking after DC alone (clubs, medical appointments etc - we were set up to manage those as a couple) + organising more play dates and parties than usual for the DC to spend as much time as possible with friends before moving + packing the whole home by myself + managing the DCs stress/excitement.

It was unsettling enough for the DC to move overseas, let alone go back and forth for weeks at a time.

Spoodles · 16/01/2026 06:13

You'd be completely bonkers to leave the country and your children and think that their father will happily let them go and live with you in three, six or even nine months time. Saying it and actually doing it are very different.

Once you've gone and he has them full time and they are settled that will become their new normal and neither he or they will want to disrupt that for them to go to another country.

Overall it all sounds completely unfair on your children who need stability and both of their parents.

Neurodiversemom · 16/01/2026 06:11

I think it's fine for you to go first and then take your kids along with you.

TheNightingalesStarling · 16/01/2026 06:11

Sounds like he's setting himself up as the principle carer

WittyTaupeFox · 16/01/2026 06:10

only you know but I’d say if you’re moving just all move at the same time. Rip the bandaid off! It will be hard but you’ll all have to get used to new surroundings at the same time.

The issue could be if you go first the children could decide while you’re setting up life they don’t want to go and then entrench their view. (I’ve seen that happen with a friend)

Is the new job in the same time zone? I ask because if it’s not then it’s quite hard to maintain phone calls / communication with them.

focus on the positives for them - outdoor lifestyle, more travel or whatever that might be and all move together. Good luck.

Original poster
ThatLilacStork · 16/01/2026 06:10

Bbnose · 16/01/2026 06:07

I suspect your ex thinks your kids won’t want to move so you’ll go out there, set up a life, kids will refuse to move. So live with him and visit you.

Edited

He’s not malicious we have a brilliant relationship and we knew moving abroad was something we both wanted to do in the future but a job offer has come now. He’s not an evil man.

OP posts:
Morepositivemum · 16/01/2026 06:09

Why though? Why can’t you bring them and figure it out? Id guess this is something to be used against you, and not even just that, going abroad for three months and not seeing them seems awful. Life changing or not maybe you need to talk to him again or rethink

Younginside · 16/01/2026 06:08

Not doable.

BengalBangle · 16/01/2026 06:07

This would be absolutely shit and unsettling for the children.

Bbnose · 16/01/2026 06:07

I suspect your ex thinks your kids won’t want to move so you’ll go out there, set up a life, kids will refuse to move. So live with him and visit you.

Bbnose · 16/01/2026 06:06

Seems fine for you

Completely unfathomable to me

ShawnaMacallister · 16/01/2026 06:06

That sounds pretty insane to me.