Moving abroad first bringing children later

I think you are being tempted purely by the higher salary (a job you actively applied for presumably?) but you are trying to make the move as painless for the children as possible. I accept their father is not an evil man but I do think you're both fudging the edges of this massive change in their lives to make it more acceptable in your heads. Will they miss you when you go? Will he miss them when they go? Will your 12-yr old be 13 by then, with close teenage friends and a solid school history with clubs and sports teams etc? You're dangling 'a better life' in front of them but, in all honesty, adults remember their family life and were their parents there for them rather than the financial benefits. So, my opinion (you have asked) is that you either all go together (can Dad stay for a bit or visit regularly?) or you knock it on the head and wait until they're more independent - I would favour this option.

I just don’t understand why you can’t take them with you straight away? It’s batshit.

If you were still partners it might be doable, but even then it would be very difficult and disruptive. But you're not, and the potential is there for things to go very badly wrong. Have you discussed taking the children with you from the start? What was his reaction?

weve done something similar and would definitely do it again! Going out early to get everything sorted makes sense but id probably agree a date for the switch rather than building up - i

I don’t think the children would want to move and he would apply for full custody

It doesn't sound like it at all. You're planning on moving them to another country away from all their friends, schools they are settled in, their father and presumably wider family.

It very much sounds like none of this is in their best interests.

What happen if they turn around after 3 months and say they don't want to move again?

You going first for a couple of weeks, to make sure everything's organised, yes.

Kids making the move initially in a school break, also fine

But the proposed schedule would likely only see everyone just about starting to calm down and settle in.. and then all change again. That's going to be rough on kids of any age and isolating, especially if there's a language change in the mix. They're not going to be able to start putting roots down as they might not/won't be there for long but it's also too long in a go to be without them. It's rough on schooling as well - they're going to lose large chunks in both systems, which isn't the end of the world at 8 but I'd be wary of at 12.

And, yes, you very much risk one or both reacting to that by saying they're staying here. If both, I suppose you could just come back but have you considered what you'd do if one loved it and the other refused? Are you prepared to separate them and have one with you and one with dad permanently?

The other factor is if you do have a functioning 'sharing' relationship with their dad, it will get affected and you and they will be losing a degree of that support. I don't know how close to each other you live now but having to watch a plane will change the dynamics.

It’s quite sad that you frame a parent who might want their DC to not be taken abroad for months on end as being nasty, malicious or evil.

It's not that this is some devious play to have the children but more that the reality Vs the ideology is likely to mean he's not suddenly going to happily wave his children off after spending months with them. Nor are the children likely to go happily after being settled for months in a stable routine.

They aren't little children, they need stability and a settled home and all this swapping and changing and moving and moving back shows that they are not important or central to the plans being made.

Three months is a long time in the life of a child, especially so young. It could be confusing and upsetting even though they say they're fine with it. What if they need you? You won't be able to drop everything and go to them easily. I think you should all go out together or don't do it.

You’ve not been ‘offered’ a job, you’ve applied for a job and been successful in your application.
Id say any parent who actively looks to remove their DC from the DCs other parent whom they have a good relationship with is only thinking of themselves.
You've seen £££ signs in front of your eyes first and foremost. The most important thing in any child’s life is having a close relationship with their parents. You’re choosing to stop that. Here’s a suggestion - you move abroad, DC move in with their DF and you come back here to see them once every blue moon.

No

but if he’s so willing to give up his kids to another country …. Then doesn’t reflect well on him

I would do as the ex if you were determined to give the job a go. Knowing that my kids at those ages would never ever want to move from their home, friends, me!

Op I’m not saying he’s evil but you’re also not together. I wouldn’t want my kids to live in a different country and this is a way of putting it on the long finger or stopping it from happening. It means he could be desperate which any of us would be.

That’s even better (having a small friend network) as there could be kids to connect your kids to & help with choosing the right schools / clubs etc.

getting school / apartment / villa & paid help can all be done from here or very quickly after you land.

it’s a big adventure and keeping you and them together as status quo I think would carry you in good stead when there could be road bumps ahead with homesickness or missing dad etc.

I can't imagine disrupting my children's lives like that to 'go from five to six figures a year' and have 'a more outdoor relaxed lifestyle'.

This.

Bring the children with you or expect them to stay in UK.

You will move
Kids will visit
Time will come for kids to move. Eldest in secondary school.
neither will want to move and stay with dad instead, especially as they’re now used to living with him full time.

Thank you for your less condescending response

because we think it’s a crap idea and unsettling for the children?

No, that’s insane.

Just all move at the same time, lots of families do it, you’ll be fine.

@ThatLilacStork

Do you trust him enough?

If he went the legal route to get full custody, do you think these arrangements would be looked upon favourably, for you?!! 🙈

I'd tread very carefully tbh.

eta; Ah! I see you've already addressed that