Moving abroad first bringing children later

I don't understand the long staggered start. Why is that better?

Most people sort schools etc from the uk and move all together.

I can't quite see what the perceived benefits of your planned approach are?

I say get help to set up new life:

• visit with kids for one week and see what it’s like yhere, look around together. Come home and start planning.
• go again all together for say 2 weeks and plan heavily in advance - house / school etc, find professional to help you set things up (employer might help??) come home again.
• go back all together again visit schools set up bank account etc. Set date for actual moving.
• move all together!!!

Setting up a life can mostly be done online before you go (I have done this). Think about ages of children when they come back if you think you will move them again. Will they be in international school, in which case kids might well be coming and going and they will be less settled in a friendship group and see moving back as more normal . We chose to come back for secondary, friends came back when oldest was about to start GCSEs. In what way will more money be life changing.? How much do those things matter compared to regular contact with both parents? Genuinely asking?

You've decided to do it and how it's going to work for you (not the children) so go for it - why are you even asking? You don't want to hear any opinion that disagrees with yours so crack on.

To answer the question - yes, that’s insane. Do it or don’t do it but don’t faff around like this.

That’s crazy. Kids don’t need that kind of thing - sounds worst of both worlds! Ideally you want to move over in the beginning of their summer holidays so they can get settled in before school starts. I did move my kids mid year (6 and 8 years old) and that made it harder.

If you trust him, go and set up and then they come. That’s it. Not all this going and coming. Too much faff.

No. The to-ing and fro-ing will unsettle them. You should go by yourself for a shirt visit (if possible) to rent a home, find schools. Perhaps you can do that by video links etc? Then move, once, with the children.

I agree . You talk about it been a long time to not see your kids going for a month, how do you think your ex will feel when you take the kids to a different county? It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to your kids . They deserve to have a relationship with both parents and it’s much harder for them to do that if they live in a different country to their dad . I say this as a single parent . I wouldn’t ever take the kids away from him , they love their dad and they’d miss him.

I don't know how old your kids are. I just wanted to share my own experience, which was my mum moving abroad for 6 months when I was about 17. It really damaged my relationship with DM even though at the time I was outwardly supportive. But I felt she was putting her own needs above mine and I still struggle with that. So I think if you are committed to the move, i would make a plan for how the kids can be with you sooner rather than later.

Yes why post on AIBU in the first place?

Agreed with others that £30k to £150k sounds very fishy

Interested

It's very telling you've suddenly changed the whole narrative when people started to suggest maybe it wasn't a great idea. Not sure why you even bothered asking if you're so certain you're going to do it.

I wouldn’t do the back and forth thing. I’d go first, get it set up and then move the kids so they can start at their new school(s) for the start of the next academic year, or term if it’s far too long to wait for the next academic year.

What job do you do that takes you from just over minimum wage here to 5x more abroad? That sounds pretty unrealistic!

I have direct experience of this. The mother told her Dc what a wonderful life they would have in the new country - sold it to them as some amazing adventure they’d absolutely love. By that point, if their father had turned round and said no, I don’t give permission, he would have been the villain of the piece, so he had little choice but to agree. It has not turned out well. The DC do not come home as often as they should now, but when they do, it’s clear they’re miserable and miss him desperately.
Which country are you planning on moving to? What would happen if you lost your job? Will your Dc be able to go to university in this new country?

I agree to go all together and rip the bandaid off.

oops seem to have lost half a post!

it takes time to set up a bank account and apply for school places and get school transport and childcare sorted etc so going out early absolutely makes sense. But not sure about stringing out the transition - just pick a date!

we have moved a lot for my work and just for the fun of it (and for their dads work). I have also worked away for a year with frequent trips to them at similar age. I realise a lot of people can’t understand but for our family it is exciting to move to new places, experience different school systems, cultures. The kids are thriving.

if it’s feasible for the kids to learn to fly solo this makes a huge difference logistically when they want to make short trips back and forth

If you’re going from 80k to 500k then find a way to make it work.

If you’re going from 80k to 125k then I’m afraid you’ve lost your mind with these proposed plans.

What do you mean ‘stealing’ them? He’s their father! If he decided to not give permission no court in the land would force him.