Moving abroad first bringing children later

Or OP is planning to expose them to a different culture, language, way of living, expand their horizon beyond their little corner of England... In addition to improving their living conditions and her career potential of course.

It's fine for people to want to stay in their little hole all their life, but that doesn't make it the best option for all families.

Oh look another moving abroad without kids thread….

As someone who earns and works with many others who also earn 150k+ I can’t think of a single person who went from 30k straight to 150k regardless of experience. It simply doesn’t happen.

However if you do have the necessary marketable skills to attract a high salary following what was in effect a career break then you should have no problem finding a similar role in the UK. Nobody is “worth” 30k in the UK job market and 150k overseas.

And all with huge salary increases!

OP - is your exH a crap dad? Is he happy to go weeks/months without seeing his dcs because he’s busy living his own life? Does he not really like having to do solo parenting? Does the idea of having to sort dentists and shoe fitting and world book day costumes send him into a panic?

Then yes, it’s likely that he’ll be ok when the time comes to just wave off his dcs and see them at Christmas and summer.

Even if he thinks he’s going to be ok with it now, once the dcs have lived with him full time for 3 months, how likely is it he won’t then fight to keep them- particularly if the dcs say they want to stay with him?

Right now it’s theoretical - faced with dcs who say they don’t want to go, will he make them? The 12 year old will definitely have opinions and they will be taken into consideration.

This stretched out plan may not be being planned with evil intentions- but that’s irrelevant, the likely outcome of agreeing to this is your dcs are used to living with dad full time and just visiting you. They’ll have got over missing you. They will be settled, and “what’s in the children’s best interests” will be staying with him, you visiting/paying maintenance.

I think going for a week or two by yourself to find a home and school etc is okay, but then I'd just take them when you move, not go back and forth. That sounds very unsettling. In fact, they are old enough that they could go along and see where they would be living, if they like the place and school etc. I don't think it's fair on children to have a parent living in a different country but it sounds like he's planning to come later so maybe not an issue.

There seem to be a lot of threads recently from women who have been offered work abroad. Is this a coincidence?

Having moved overseas myself I don’t understand the back and forth. Choose a good school area call them re space, choose a rental off a website take out 12 month lease, move kids during school break invite their dad too

I’d be cautious.

I moved to Russia as a child due to DF work and he left a few months earlier and we followed. However DF and DM were happily married.

I’d be worried that he might change his mind while you're away. It would be very easy to say the kids have changed their mind and for him to keep them here.

Persoanlly I don’t see it as a bad thing moving abroad. I loved it but had I known I wouldn’t be able to see one of my parents regularly, I would have dug my feet in the ground.

It’s a tough one. I used to live abroad before dc and would love to go back to my old job. However XH lives here so it would be impossible until my dc are adults.

Loads of people move families. We do it every 3 to 4 years with my husbands job, usually companies provide you with temporary housing for the first 1 - 3 months and a relocation specialist who helps you narrow down schools and where to live etc, even if you don’t have a relocation package, you can research all that in advance and make the move together. Back and forth with the kids will be the very worst thing to do.

If its UAE, be very careful about job offers, I have seen loads of job scams, so unless it is a very well known company and you have been in person for an interview, be cautious about accepting any job that looks too good to be true.

Your kids are old enough that surely, how the move would work best for them should be discussed with them?

If your ex and you are so amicable, why haven't you arrange to meet up and have this conversation together with them?

It's fairly common in my experience to have a parent moving first, particularly if it's during a school year.
My parents did this when we moved as a teen, and it's what most foreign senior leaders in my organisation do now when they move to the UK.

But what your ex is suggesting is too long, it would be enough for you to go for the first 3 months, establish yourself on time for the next school year, and move your children over there during the summer holiday.
It's particularly useful to find long term accomodation, as get more time and get to know the city you're moving to better. If you need to move your stuff over there by cargo, it usually takes a few weeks as well.

The back and forth he's suggesting will be very disruptive I think, and will make it difficult to settle.

Only you can really answer if this would work for your family. I know a couple who are together and have young children. She works abroad for long periods of time as that’s what her job demands and she’s the main earner. He looks after the children while she’s away. They seem fine. Although we went on a night out at Christmas and when I went to pick her up her husband seemed a but flummoxed about what time to put the children to bed and she said “oh don’t worry about it I’ll do it when I get back” which stuck me as odd he didn’t know how to put his own children to bed when he’s alone with them most of the year!!

It’s not that unrealistic - OP hasn’t said where the move would be to. My salary is £40k in London but would be £150k in the Middle East in countries such as UAE - i know this because I’m on several jobs forums/mailing lists where jobs are advertised so it’s really not that unrealistic. It wouldn’t give the OP a more outdoor lifestyle if it was UAE though!

Agree with this. It sounds like this would be an easier way than to challenge the plan. You already have one child who is resistant to moving and is likely to be easily convinced on staying here as it won't be a good time for them to leave as they have just started xyz, they will be leaving friends, dad is here so it's no issue staying, mum chose to leave etc.

Yes. Because that's exactly what someone planning to keep them would do if they are clever enough.

Its not worth the risk. If youre going they come too.

We are ex pats and know a lot of families who move internationally as often as every 2 years. No one prolongs the moving as you propose. I know of one family who are currently located between here and the UK as the oldest is in his GCSE year, but he will move here to do his post 16 schooling. There are some others where the "worker" moved a month or two before as it was a time sensitive job but most families just move all at the same time.

If the company is a large international one then they will have in house relocation teams and you will be offered a reccie trip (that you can take your kids on if you want) to sort out logistics. Decent ex pat packages include as a minimum accommodation and schooling and in most cases, most people live in the same area and go to the same school. Use these networks, and you have also mentioned you know people there already - ask them to share info on where they think you should live etc. It all sounds very doable without the back and forth which would be disruptive for everyone. What are the percieved benefits to doing it how you/your ex husband has proposed?

Also - separate comment, I assume the £150k tax free and you get additional allowances for accommodation/schooling/flights etc? It will not be as lucrative as you think it will be if you need to pay anything towards them. Our school fees are £35k a year per child, for example.

Inmoved abroad with children. I rented an aparthotel for a month and used that time to find permanent accommodation.

Most of what you’ll need to do can be researched and arranged online- schools etc. There’s no need to go ahead without your children and I think that’s what people are finding a bit odd. Going together makes it an adventure for all three of you. Leaving the children behind makes it n adventure for you and probably quite upsetting for them. It will add complexity but if you want to do it, do it together.

Regarding their father, you may be right that he’s just being helpful. You may be wrong. You may find that he changes his mind about them going or that they suddenly decide not to go- it’s just another thing that could go wrong. Stick together and find a way to make it work as a unit.

Loads of people move their families overseas and it turns out really well for them. I hope it’s the same for you. I’d do what I could to set things up then take them with me, no to’ing and fro’ing. It’s puzzling that your ex is saying he’s fully supportive when he sounds hands on, so I think you need to be aware that his plan might be his subconscious way of not being quite as happy as you think he might be. I wonder how he will react if you tell him you don’t want to do it the way he suggests. In terms of contact, it’s much easier to maintain, thanks to Zoom, etc. Is he planning to visit you?

@ThatLilacStork where will your children go to school, local or international, day or board?
who will look after them if you’re ill? Take a day off with them if they’re ill?

Saw your last message OP. We’re not all vultures, I think it could work but like most I think you just do some online beforehand and unless it’s somewhere where rentals are hard to get you sort home and school and it’s mostly done.

We lived in holiday accommodation temporarily but you might need local guarantor/bank account for something to rent longer term. Check re driving license if relevant etc We booked a hire car and picked it up at airport. Kids had backpacks that turned into booster seats.

I would post again asking about advice for moving to that country to get more idea of how long it would take. Or maybe there are existing threads that you can read. Maybe name change so it’s not outing.

I’ve lived abroad a few times it’s maybe not as time-consuming to set up as you think. Plan where you live around work and school you like the look of online. Great their father is planning to come too. Good luck.

I hope this doesn't come across too harshly but what you're saying is quite manipulative and immature (accusing people of being vultures and making you feel awful, putting words into people's mouths) and I get that you're angry, but the huge emotional reaction to multiple people saying it isn't a good idea suggests that you haven't actually thought this move through/know deep down it's dodgy and were just looking for validation.

I agree with this. No backwards and forwards. You go, get settled, then bring move them once.

My mum moved me and my siblings abroad when I was 12 meaning I saw my dad a couple of times a year from then on. I don’t know what our relationship might have been like if I could have seen him more often but as it is, I don’t feel like I know him, and he doesn’t know much about my life. We were an hour’s difference in terms of time zone. If I wanted to see my dad I had to either wait for him to come and visit, or wait for my mum to organise for me to go there, which was a big and exhausting journey. If you’re in the UK now, any countries that are 3 hours difference are quite far away.
I have a child of my own and the idea of living in a different country from her is unimaginable. I also couldn’t take her away from her father if we split as I know he feels the same. Plus there isn’t a chance in hell he’s agree to it because he wants to see her and be there for her.
I would think extremely carefully about whether this is in the children’s best interests.

What type of new job is it that you can do three months then come back to UK for a month?

Regardless, it sounds awful for the children. If they’re moving abroad do it together, don’t make them do a month here and there. Sometimes it’s unavoidable but I don’t why anyone would voluntarily not see their own children for months at a time.