Moving abroad first bringing children later

@ThatLilacStork- if I was you, I’d go talk to him (don’t do it over the phone or message, you need to look him in the eye/see his body language) and say “my fear is, the children will be settled living with you full time and has got used to not seeing me. What will we do if they don’t want to then move to xxx to be with me and want to stay with you full time? Will you force them to move?” If he refuses to answer, or says something like “don’t be silly, of course they’ll want to go we don’t need to think about that.” Then the answer is “no I won’t force them to go so you’ll have to just see them in the uk when you visit.”

He might not be planning on keeping the dcs full time, but that might just be what happens.

I don’t see the benefit of dragging it out so much. Yes you want to find a home first but that can easily be done in a month to six weeks. If I were you I’d plan to go out alone and secure a house rental then move the kids at the very next school holiday / as soon as they have places in the new school.
if you keep going away and to-ing and fro-ing you’ll all get used to that and it won’t feel like a shared move, it’ll be like they live with dad and visit you.

Why is it okay for you to take the children away from their father? A father they see regularly and have a good relationship with. And then uproot their lives, all on a pipedream (you don't actually have the job yet by the sounds of it).

It all seems pretty selfish to me.

What do the numbers look like after tax in both countries? I can see the lure, especially if you are not 100% happy in your current location

I think he's right to ask you to go out first get everything sorted and then move the kids. When we move abroad it was very stressful those first month or two, just trying to find childcare, find out where the supermarkets were all that sort of thing and I had a company relocation package and support !. I think doing this by yourself with DC in tow would be very tough. If it's only for a few months then at those ages it will be fine, they can do facetjme etc.

I don't think your ex sounds evil. I do however think if you go first alone your children will never move it is one thing to talk about moving it is another to actually do it. Especially when the father will be able to evidence the children have been happily living full time with him and you might have to pay him maintenance from your new 6 figure salary. Is a new high paying job going to allow you to take a month of leave to visit them when you have barely started? Who will look.after the kids in the new country when you bring them to visit assuming your work.are not going to give you a second month of leave....

I think the prospect of moving countries for work isn’t something the majority of proplecan relate to (I can’t, and I am C-suite level and work abroad for short stretches; no DC in the mix though).

It sounds to me like you’re trying to prepare the ground so they have a settled landing, and you and exDH have a proposal to make that work.

You have a small network in the new country already.

DC are used to moving around.

Both the lifestyle and the income are much improved from the current situation.

I say go for it. And congratulations on the new job!

I get on brilliantly with my ex-H and he's a good dad, and that's why I would never have moved away when son was under 18. A better life isn't always about money. Family is one of the most important things for children.

If I had to go, I'd all go together, because it's going to be an upheaval for the kids either way, and you can have home/school etc set up before you go anyway.

If you and ex-H are looking to all move abroad anyway, I'd wait til he's gone, and then sort my own/children's move out.

@ThatLilacStork i moved my kids away from their father (we are not together) two years ago. It wasn’t as big a distance as yours suggests. Are you moving to Middle East?

anyway, I didn’t have his support so I went to court - and won. The big factors to ascertain if kids will settle is how they feel about it, how resilient they are, and how you plan to ensure parental relationships are kept healthy (your child arrangement plans).

My experience of moving, and if you were my friend what I would be telling you to sit up and pay attention to is -

kids might like the idea, but the reality is harder. Much harder. There are many months when friends are missed, there are birthday parties but they are not invited, the food isn’t the same, life is uncomfortably different. They need to get over this hump just like an adult does. It takes a bit of time as making friends is organic. Don’t underestimate this.

If your kids are going back and forth, I think it leaves you open to them resisting returning on one of those visits, and then a whole new world of issues opens up. How would you feel out there with only one child willing to come back out to you? Would you let one child stay? Would one child come without the other etc? It’s a can of worms.

Schools, bank accounts etc, you can actually do A LOT in two weeks child free. You don’t need a few months to get set up.

This can be made massively easier as you and ex are co-parenting so well together, but everyone can turn. Just keep that in mind. A significant difference in opinion can still happen. People can change their minds on plans committed. I’d be careful.

Personally, I think you’re drawing out the difficult phase with your plan. Get the kids over as soon as possible. Ten days after you or something. Would ex come out with them to see the place?

Have a really concrete plan for trips over and back, top heavy for first eight months, but allowing for some roots to establish in new country too. Easier said than done I know. School will open up so many doors for you.

We are 2.5 years post move and we are all and truly settled. I also underestimated how much I would be preoccupied with them settling and waiting for signs that it was after all a good choice. It was tough on me, but green shoots appeared and they found their way.

It sounds like a great opportunity for you and the kids to have a different life experience and make money and better your career. I think it’s fantastic and as you have your exes blessing - go for it!

It is not necessarily about being an evil plot. You will be establishing a dangerous status quo.

Its not "malicious or nasty or evil" to not want to live in a different country to your own children! If someone tried to move my kids to a different timezone then I would do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. Not because im evil, because I love my children. Frankly, I find it bizarre that he's apparently so totally relaxed about his kids moving abroad without him. Unless he's not very involved in their lives that doesn't make sense.

What happens if the kids don’t want to go and want to stay with dad. They’ll be living with him and seeing you for this six months, presumably at high school with friends and settled this is a real risk the like the new routine - not one I’d take personally but if that’s a possibility your happy with the there’s no reason you can’t do it.

I’m still very close friends with my best friends from age 8. We are all 50 this year. But sure many kids would cope with moving at that age, but i’d say just do it, this slowly slowly approach seems excessive.

It’ll be a sales position
and this figure of £150k will be based on pulling in the absolute maximum commission possible

never. Going. To. Happen

I think OP is a specialist animal trainer that teaches sharks to jump.

I don’t think it’s a devious plan to steal your children, however I do think it’s a risk.

kids adapt as you say, they might get used to living at Dads, not having you around and decided that actually they would prefer to stay where they are. Would you then force them? You are banking on them missing you and wanting to join you, if they do that they have to get used to not seeing their dad as much. They are already used to not seeing you by that point.

That's the first thing that jumped out to me too.

I understand the principle of you going out by yourself to secure a home and schools for your children first. However, why does that need to be 3 months?! You could secure all of that within the first month! As for taking the children out for a month, then bringing them back for you to go back out again by yourself for another 3 months - madness. You go out for a month, secure a home/schools and once ready the children then go back out with you permanently.

Given your ex's convoluted timeframe, I can understand why others have said that your ex is merely stalling for time, and hoping the children end up wanting to stay in the UK with him. However, you know him better than us, so you're in a better position to know his thinking behind this bonkers timeframe, that will only disrupt the children.

Sorry that’s a long way to say if you are doing this, you go with the kids, set up schools /house online and just all go together and work it out. Don’t let him have custody and then try to walk that back.

Pause for a minute @ThatLilacStork

Your ex is obviously a very very involved father.

You really think he would happily wave his kids off in to the sunset? No.

He knows they won’t want to move when the time comes and that they will want to stay with him.

In his shoes, I would do exactly the same as him.

My SIL and BIL did this - it does happen nowadays. Just, not in countries I would personally move to.

Is the current split 50/50v

Sure

We moved internationally twice with DS, once when he was a baby, once when he was almost eight. The second time DH moved in October to start his job, visiting when he could (shorthaul flight). DS and I stayed till the Christmas holidays so I could work out my notice and he could finish the school term. He’d already been offered a place at the school we wanted in the new place.As my new job didn’t start immediately, I was going to travel back in Feb to supervise the packing up of our old house etc. DS still found the move difficult.

The difference is that the entire family was moving, we knew the country well, and that it was absolutely a better environment for DS too. Bluntly, why would your ex be so keen to help a move that takes his children away? You say he also plans to ‘move abroad’, but ‘abroad’ is a big place. Are you saying he’s planning to move to where you are?

The entire thread is about moving WITH the kids.