Moving abroad first bringing children later

Many expats move abroad particularly to UAE and live in compounds or areas surrounded by other Brits. They send their kids to International or British schools. They don’t move to downtown Nairobi or Bangkok and send their kids to the local school. In other words, they have no intention of integrating.

I think this sounds very reasonable if you have an opportunity to change your lives for the better. It sounds like your ex is a good man who also wants the best for the children. I can imagine mine being the same, he always puts the kids first. I can't imagine people having an issue if it was the dad moving abroad, but as a society, it's less acceptable for women to have ambition and not completely sacrifice themselves in motherhood.
Go for it.

Oh dear, that's MN for you OP 🤗

What do the kids think of doing it this way?

I don't think his suggestion is a good one.
Maybe you can get some temporary accommodation lined up for 3 months, then send them back for the month to your ex (the reverse basically) while you crack on with finding your long term home and any remaining admin.

Ask your employer if they are able to offer any relocation support, and tap into your network there. If they also moved there I.e. not natives ask them for advice.

Good luck! Hope its a great move for your family.

OP, you’re going to struggle on Mumsnet with this, most people here have no idea about international families, and because it’s so far outside their experience they assume children will struggle. Just look at the threads on really simple things like children flying unaccompanied minor. But it absolutely can be made to work and can be a real positive for the children.

I think his initial plan is relatively sensible. Go and find a house and get settled in the job, understand transport and schooling and stuff. And then bring them over for a month so they can get used to everything and understand where they will go to school and where they will live before they have to pack up their lives for the long term. You don’t have to be apart for all that time, you can do as many trips back as you can manage to do. But it does sound like he expects that phase to be too long, I’d pick September as the start of the next school year as the point to move permanently so they have a set date they know from the start (assuming the country you’re moving to has the same school year start).

Hi OP. I’m hoping to offer a more pragmatic answer.The key things I’d say are the following:

1. Maximising your earning potential now is a sensible thing to do. You’re not being greedy, you have to make a living for your family and you found a good opportunity. Make sure it makes sense as a part of a longer term plan as well (are you planning to staying in the other country indefinitely? For x years so you can save x amount? What is the next logical career move after that? How stable is the job and what protection do you have if things go wrong?). That’s not the question you’re asking but something you 100% need to consider.
2. Moving as a single parent is very different than moving as a family. It’s much harder to “wing it” and be flexible when you’re the only adult. It would make a lot of sense for you to go first and get settled before bringing the kids.
3. The thing I would probably question is the timeline and steps you describe. I’d probably be more comfortable with staying there 3-4 months on my own, with 1 visit from the kids and their dad halfway through, and then going to pick them up myself for good. Not sure too much back and forth is beneficial for anyone involved.

That's nuts. You can find a school and at least a temporary home before you go. Sounds like your ex is manipulating the situation. Where are DC supposed to live whilst you are away for six months or so? With him? Just move.

Why can’t you go for two weeks to set up and then come back and bring them. Why three months??

What kind of career progression is this?

It depends on where you are now (country) and where you are moving to (country)

Sounds a bit mad to me.

Don’t you have to give notice/ work a notice period?

Unless you already know it well, I’d go and do a long ish visit to the country first, before I took the job (ideally a week minimum) with the kids. Then give notice and agree to start the new job in a few months (I think my own notice period is 6 weeks). Once you’ve given notice and accepted the new job then you can sort out a place to live and schools and then move across with everything more or less in place (ideally I’d move out during a school holiday of some sort).

I think what your ex has proposed wouldn’t work for my kids as they’d be constantly being reminded of what they’d left behind and less incentivised to make new connections in the new area. I would also worry it would disrupt schooling. I do agree they should see their dad in the school
holidays but I might encourage him to come to you all for the first couple of times.

I’d plan to go out for 4-6 weeks to get set up in a place to live etc and have the initial settling in period at work which would all he easier on your own.
but I don’t see why you’d need 3 months, maybe I’m naive but surely once you have a place to live, the rest is just regular life admin. It doesn’t take that long and need dedicated sole focus.

then I’d plan to fly home, stay a few days (no idea why he thinks you need a month at home) and bring the kids over with a plan that they go back and visit dad after a month. Ideally that would line up with a school holiday break.
then they come back to you after a long weekend / half term and you get in to a regular cadence of them visiting dad monthly / every school holiday.

they wouldn’t be able to keep dropping in and out of school under his proposal so better to just get on with it.

As someone who was moved abroad and lived in various places, I never saw it as disruption, I saw it as exciting adventures! Change isn't necessarily bad, and getting kids used to dealing with change makes them more resilient. I found it a wholly positive experience, and making new friends, learning new things was part of the adventure.

Parents were together, but sometimes didn't live in same countries, and that was also fine and didn't cause any issues - perfectly possible to maintain relationships at a distance and still have a great relationship with both parents at those times.

@ThatLilacStork I think it's probably not a bad idea for you to go first and set stuff up, including school places, but then just move the children once when it's done, not so much back and forth. Just one move, and then back for holidays and visits etc.
You might well be able to get your company to pay for a relocation company to support you and help with that kind of admin, so the first visit could be cut to 4-6 weeks.

Best of luck!

Personally I think you going first to organise all the logistics - house, bank accounts, schools, etc. makes sense. I’m talking about a month here, not longer than that. But then I’d bring the kids and not go backwards and forwards. Keeping them in limbo will delay them getting used to their new life and their new schools, making friends, etc. if you have a good relationship with your ex, he could also come with all of you for a couple of weeks to help settle the kids and reassure them. Good luck x

Adding to say that, in your case, I’d get the schools sorted (like, now) first via email and video contact. Then go for a long weekend to visit/confirm school, and view and confirm apartments etc. You can always take ann Air bnb for a few months; this is what my DH did until we arrived. Even then, we spent our first week in an Airbnb before our apartment was available. Unless you are deciding to give your children a veto, you need to tell yourself that this is happening, and just get on with it.

He's trying to become the resident parent.

Don't fall for it.

Other than a higher salary ( and forgive me, but you don’t write particularly fluently or grammatically, so I’m dubious about the salary leap, especially after two years unemployed, a period in a minimum wage job and a gap of several years in your professional employment — why would an employer in another country sponsor you from overseas for this job over people from that country?), who benefits, other than you? You seem to be minimising taking your children away from their father, because he has agreed (why?) and wants to move ‘abroad’ too? Are you saying he’s going to follow you to the same place, having found a job there?

Personally I couldn’t do it, but the fact that you’re considering it suggests you’re up for it. You do you…

I think you’d be better off posting this in the Living Overseas section, tbh. You’ll get advice from those of us who’ve made similar moves.

IMHO, you need to do it cold turkey. All in one go. Leaving them behind is just prolonging the agony, and risks you being stuck in one country and them refusing to come out.

It’s doable, but very much depends on where you are moving to. For example, are school fees being paid by the firm? Will the children be going to an international school (easiest but most expensive option unless they speak the local language). Are you being offered a relocation package? A consultant to help with visas etc?

We moved away from UK when DS was 10, in the middle of Y5. At 12, I’m guessing your oldest is Y7 or maybe 8? Hard time to move, unless it’s somewhere like an international school, where all the kids are used to people leaving and arriving and seem to just make friends quickly.

Things like healthcare you can sort out before (presumably there’s healthcare included?). Again depending on where you’re moving to, online banking will see you through until you have a local bank account sorted. I opened an account via video with Starling and relied on contactless payments for the first few months until cards and things arrived, before sorting a local bank account. Revolut is also your friend here.

In our case, my DH moved over the year before, but stayed in temporary accommodation. I took DS over for weekends and half term, to visit schools and areas/apartments. It’s essential to get schools sorted first, which then dictates where you’ll be living, and much better for your children to have visited the school with you first, so they’re invested. We teed up the school, chose our apartment, and then decided on a move date. We were fortunate that DH firm paid for international movers, but obviously all the packing was down to me. We kept our UK base, though, so not a full move.

Speaking as someone who has relocated with kids twice - his plan is daft.

Is one of the reasons for the split so that you can give the job a 3-month trial period in case it doesn't work out and you'll have uprooted them both unnecessarily? It would be a gamble that they didn't want to follow you anyway - would they get a say after 3 months and how would you cope if they preferred to stay where they are? A child of 12/13 should have some input in my opinion. It's all a gamble but now you've explained your financial position....it's beginning yo make more sense.

It sounds like a fabulous opportunity for your children and for you. They are old enough to fly together unaccompanied to see their father when they want to.

But I wouldn't do it in bits, just move all of you. The back and forth he is suggesting sounds frankly a bit crazy. I was moved every 2 years as a child and it would have been, I think, a lot harder it it hasn't been a clean break.

They also need both parents. Especially when both parents have been consistently in their lives.

I can honestly say I speak to children I was close with at age 8. My best friend through life we are in our mid 50s now.

Dd3 is 22 she is still very close with her best friend she met age 3!
Ds at 24 has a close friend he met at age 6
Both of these friends attended dd1s wedding this year thats how close to the family these two are.

In terms of moving. While I see no issue with moving for say a month and get settled I would not go 3 months then all there 1 and 3 again. If you are looking to make a good routine for your children this is not aiding with this it is creating 7-8 months of change and little routine.

However personally if I was to move abroad with young children they would come along from word go

Go for it.
Kids need resilience and adaptability. A move abroad will help teach them that.

editing to add that I did it, but found place and registered for everything and had kids move within a couple of weeks so doable a lot quicker than 3 months.

What do you imagine is going to take 3 months?
The hardest thing to find is an address, then getting a utility bill for enrolling in school, opening a bank account, buying a car, phone/internet/ elec/water
Id find an Admin agency. (Or possibly one if your friends can help you ?) To speed up the essentials, enrolling for school. Etc
Once you have a legal rental document All this could be done in a week.
Alot if research can be done remotely, go to “EXPAT Portugal”( for example) on fb & ask best areas to live, best schools etc.

If you speak the language call several estate agents & get a rental geographically convenient.

Do not leave your kids for 3 months with your XH. You’d have to be incredibly naiive gullible. to risk it.

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