Moving abroad first bringing children later

Absolutely insane and very unsettling.

Do the move in one go. Perhaps go first to set a home, so perhaps a month.

You are mad. Take specialist international children law advice.

From personal experience things can change quickly when you move abroad to get settled and prepare for the DC to come over; be prepared for your ex and DC to change their minds!

I was with DH, we had 2 children. By mutual agreement I applied for a job abroad and was successful, it was a lot more money for us. I went ahead, I sorted accommodation, schools and everything. They (with DH) came over on holiday but didn't want to stay.I was then "marooned" in another country with a great job but DH and DC not willing to move over. I'm not saying your plan won't work with the DC, just that you have to be prepared for that to happen.

Then you won't want to leave as it's much better pay and life, plus you don't want a 6 month job on your CV because it looks like failure for some reason which raises questions from future employers. So may work, may not - no one will know until it's actually done, but good luck!

Unfortunately I don't think this is the best forum for the question you have asked, as many don't understand parents who leave their kids for a period of time. Even if they will be perfectly safe and happy and it is preparing for a better future.

I think 3 months is quite a long period to get everything set up, I think you could probably manage most of it in a month. However, if it works better around school terms/years, your timings could also makes sense. Also ultimately depends on which countries you are moving between (which I appreciate might be too outing to say) and if they are going into international or local schools.

Buying a house might take longer, unless you are starting by renting, but a lot of prep could be done online, with other bits like furniture, banks easier without kids but doable quicker than 3 months if it fits with your other timelines.

But also speak to the kids and see what they want to do. How quickly do they want to get out there? Do they want to visit first or move quick? Are they happy to spend that much time away from you?

I've moved a lot, and it can be hard to maintain relationships when you have a move away planned, their friends might not be as open to investing time with them if they know they are moving. So trying to speed up the timeline a bit could help them with feeling more settled.

Good luck!

holy shxtballs, that’s a nasty answer.
.what the hell is wrong with ambition, following it for a better and different lifestyle, trying to work out how to do it with everyone being happy? Sounds like OP & ex have pursued career dreams for a long time, split along the way, and still have the same careers/long term plans re work. And OP now has her chance and is looking for the best way to do it.

i’m do 60 hr weeks & travel for networking events, my husband works away on average 3 days a week and always has since our - now almost adult - kid was born. We pursue our careers actively, happily and enjoy what we do. It makes us happy and accomplished and successful people. It works for us!
We figured it out without nannies (I can do 95% of my work from home so always had an office there) and with weird working hours so one of us were always there for drop off, pickup, play dates etc. Kid’s super happy.

OP, you’ll make it work for you & your family, I’m sure. Is there an option for ex to make the same move now and actively look for a new job there? If it’s the dream & ambition & you’re amicable, maybe all of you moving and making it work there as it does where you are now could be explored?

If you can make the gradual move work for you, do that. Just because it’s a bit untraditional doesn't mean it can’t work. And I agree: Not all exes are “out to get you/the kids”.
good luck!

Finding a house can be done remotely. If you have a friend network out there already they can advise on best areas to live. Finding a school can also be done remotely. You could then visit for a week to view house and school then return home while things are sorted like house rental or purchase or whatever. I think moving DCs back and forth would be very unsettling and would not work with them needing to establish their own friendships etc through school.

I did this move with 6 and 8 yo and by myself. I was lucky as inherited apartment so I knew location and had home ready (it needed a face-lift but I had a roof over my head).

It was nice in the way they were there from the get go with me, I'd not lived there before either nor was I there first, it felt very, fun. We unpacked, made our home together which I think helped them settle nicely too. We decorated too and bought new furniture which helped.

We planned to go back to London regularly but somehow they settled so well, new friends etc that we didn't go back for a year! I don't think I'd have got the same result going to and from. We barely go back or think about the uk now at all, i really have to consider our future because I'm still paying expenses for our uk house! I honestly thought we would miss it so much we would fly in every school holiday to see family and friends but my girls have settled here so well they dont want to go! School I sorted once I was here because I had no idea how that worked - was easier to have my girls with me etc.

I think the biggest logistic issue may be finding a property. If I didn't have my current apartment, I would have probably found properties I wanted to view for rent (wouldn't commit to buying until I know the area) and organised viewings for as many as possible then flown in alone for a few days and chosen and signed paperwork - then I'd move the kids. I wouldn't leave them behind for weeks at a time, idk, just wouldn't sit right with me and also I'm unsure if that would help them in any way or make them more reluctant to moving with you, which may be problematic once you have sorted everything.

Why do I immediately think you’re moving to Dubai 😂

It seems a bit nuts to me and a lot of hassle and unsettlement for the children, but I guess if they’re genuinely okay with it and you think it can work then that’s fine? You’d have to think about how they’re going to still be able to see their dad regularly (if they already do and want to continue doing so?), if they’re willing to learn a new language (if it’s a non-English speaking country) and lots of other things. As a child I’d have hated moving abroad even if it did mean lots more money; my whole life has been built here, but your family may well be different

I think the schedule that your ex suggests is unworkable and unnecessary. Your children have visited the country already, but even if they hadn't, if the decision has already been made then there is no need to drag it out. If the idea was for you to go and spend time there to see if moving permanently with DC was a good idea, then 3 months would make sense. You can organise schools etc from here. You mention having a 'settled home' to bring them to, but what does that mean in practice? You just need a home for them, even if you are living out of boxes for a week or two. You have a job and a friends network out there. With regards your ex, I don't think its a case of him being evil or malicious. However, he clearly cares about his children and 3 months is a long time. There is the possibility that your children get used to the new arrangement, less inclined to be uprooted, and your ex understandably refuses to force them to join you. That's the risk. Would you be prepared to come back?
ETA - you are not a monster and there's nothing wrong with wanting a better life for your family - the way that you/ex plan to do it is the issue.

As someone who spent their childhood moving around Europe, I'd say don't string it out. I would have absolutely hated what he's suggesting. Better to rip the bandaid off. I wasn't a fan of moving around the ages of your children because I wanted to stay with my friends but his plan would make things so much harder. Not properly there in the new place to engage and build new connections but not "home" enough to have stability there either. If they're struggling and don't want to go, a half and half approach like that would seem like torture I would have thought.

Communication will be very important especially if they're unsure. They need to know the plan and that it's not optional. My parents gave me two weeks notice that we were moving back to Germany 4 decades ago and I'm still annoyed about it.

Is he going to change his mind part way through? Id be very wary.

Yes. It’s the OP’s account of her children’s father not only going along with this bizarre plan, but actually suggesting it, that would make anyone not terribly naive think twice.

So which is it, OP? He’s a neglectful, uncaring uninvolved father who says ‘Meh’ about his children moving a long way away internationally, but is happy to have them to live with him for months and months first? Or he’s a caring, involved co-parent who is happy to be the sole resident parent for the best part of a year, but is then happy to have them live permanently three time zones away so he has to hop on a plane to see them?

As a child whose parents moved abroad with frequency, take them with you. Part of the settling in is working things out together, exploring the culture, establishing a routine together. It is a bonding experience and but also allowing them to make some choices themselves like schools, looking at houses with you and so on. Children aren’t add ons, they are part of the family and should have some involvement and engagement in some of the decisions you make. I always was allowed a view on schools and loved exploring neighbourhoods when looking at houses. Let them be part of the fun and the occasional worry.

His plan makes no sense for your children because the too-ing and the fro-ing would be incredibly unsettling. In addition, his plan would make it much easier for him to assume permanent residency of your children.

I've moved internationally several times, although so far I've only BEEN the child, not (yet) brought along a child. I don't think MumsNet is especially resistant to the concept of moving internationally - in fact, I'd say it's usually discussed fairly realistically here.

Your going ahead and bringing the children along later could make sense in a case where, for example, you have to go and start work ASAP and they're in the middle of a school year/term so it makes sense for them to stay put and finish. The idea of making them move back and forth several times makes no sense though; they'll be going back and forth enough just to spend time with each parent. Better to dive right in, especially at those ages, with a clear idea of when they'll be able to go back to stay with dad, see their friends and extended family, etc.

Also, re your comment that you may not see them for several months at a time - yes, if you're moving to a country which is a long, expensive trip from where you are now and from where their other parent lives, each parent will probably have much longer stretches away from the children than is the case now. And vice versa - remember, the children will also have the experience of not seeing one of their parents regularly, wherever they are.

Many organisations provide some support to people on boarding with a family overseas including advice on schools etc. I live overseas and none of our friends or colleagues have moved without the children, I’m not sure your plan would be settling. The only exception is where the children are boarding in UK.

Fine for you to go first and then take the kids once you're settled, but the whole back and forth is a bit bizarre sorry and would be more unsettling than just moving them over.

I'm a bit of an all or nothing person so I think I'd probably want to just jump in instead of doing it in stages but you know yourself and your family best. You get on well with your Ex and he also wants to move. Would it be feasible for him to take extended leave from work and move over too for the 'setting up ' period and look for work too?

Seems fine in principle but why so long? Just do the set-up once, then they move. All the shuttling seems a bit unnecessary.

I wouldn't leave my kids. You can sort a home and school out before you go.

If your kids are on board and your ex is supportive, I’d say it’s worth a go. What IS critical is that before any young lives get uprooted, your foundations need to be strong. Your Ex is right, if they’re going to go over, things need to be settled enough for them to slot in.

You may get over there and hate it, the job might not be as you expected.

as for those saying the kids would be unsettled, kids are adaptable and it would be a huge experience for them. Many kids live in boarding schools and fly around to their diplomat/military parents, it enriches their lives in the main. This is a better scenario, they get to spend lots of time with their dad, then over to you for long holidays and then back. There will be other opportunities for short trips too, either you to pop back, or them to come over to you.

this is a great opportunity for you, I say take it. Especially as you and your ex have such a great and supportive relationship wrt the kids

Yeah and fair play to him for that. Why would he want his kids to move away from him to another country.

Insane

OP I don’t think you are wrong to go, I just think you are terribly naive to not think what would happen if your 12 year old (will they be 13 by the time of exHs planned move?) says no. What if they say “I’m used to living with just dad now and seeing mum in the holidays. I’d rather stay here with dad at this school and visit mum, not go to xxx, start a new school and visit dad.”

You need a plan for this highly likely outcome. Most people who’ve moved abroad with dcs haven’t been separated from their child’s other parent. The children haven’t had another option. This is a big risk you are taking.

If you are ok with that, crack on. But if you want your dcs with you in x country, best to take them at the start when they are used to living with you.

I’ve moved internationally a number of times, twice with a child. It’s not that unusual. However, (1) the OP’s plan is needlessly disruptive to the children, as she doesn’t need anywhere near that long to set things up, far less this deeply silly idea of ‘gradually building up’ stints in the other country, and (2) the OP’s plan is naively reliant on the children’s father being, bizarrely, perfectly happy to assist in her moving his children to a distant country by being their sole resident parent for many months before losing regular time with them unless he or they take a lengthy flight, apparently on the grounds that he’s ‘always wanted to move abroad’ himself.

Im not sure I believe any of this.