Moving abroad first bringing children later

I’ve done this, three times actually.

All children involved have been absolutely fine, and joined me once we were settled. Their lives are much richer for it, with wider horizons.

Go for it, don’t let these hellish naysayers put you off. If it was a bloke asking, they would have no hesitation in saying go!!

Go first and see if the job works out and then move them as soon as you are sure it will work.

If my ex was pushing to move abroad for a pie in the sky sales job (which I imagine this leap from £30-£150k is), then I would do precisely what this ex is doing.

Smile and nod. Suggest the children stay with me during the months they settle in to the new job (and realise that £150k is based on them smashing 100% of targets from day 1) and country, and then see if the children want to leave their schools, friends, clubs, home, father.

That's insane. Change one thing at a time surely?

See if the job works

See if the kids like the new country no pressure

Start to settle them more permanently

No?

10 years ago we moved from the the UK to Sweden with our 8 year olds. My DH went over for 6 weeks to start the job as I wasn't uprooting our life, if he had any doubts. During that time he was able to sign the kids to the local school (there is only one) and find a flat to rent.

Personally, I think the best thing is a hold your nose, close your eyes and jump off the cliff. What your ex suggests for the children moving is going to be harder. Your children going backwards and forwards with schools will be too hard. They will loose their footing in the British school and will find it hard to fully immerse into the new school. You mentioned a time difference, but is there a language difference - would you keep the children in British school system? English Schools are all over the world.

On your new salary, I imagine there would be some sort of a relocation package which would include someone to help with local admin, schools, Drs etc. Don't underestimate ex Pat Facebook pages, they are invaluable.

In this digital age you children can stay in touch with their friends. When we went back, we would arrange fun meet up, some sort of activities that were no reliant on school or school gossip.

Sounds amazing ! Best of luck. I don't think the forward and back travel will be helpful on either end. Have the children visited the new location ? I would get them visiting it on a holiday first. Then all move together with some time off before you start the new job if you can and then start them at school at the beginning of a new term, not in the middle, so they don't feel so lost. Maybe try to join local Facebook groups of the new area to find mums with kids of similar ages to meet with when you get there. My friend did that and I answered her Facebook post. We have a fantastic friendship! She has yet again moved to another country and has three children. It's giving them a great sense of adventure and they're multilingual now too !

Selfish

I moved myself and my children to another country..but i done the schooling and everything from the UK before we moved and then we all moved together..the girls visited the school with me and started when term started..we had a month to settle in the new country first..is this not what normal people do..why go back and forth thats just ridiculous for everyone involved ..make a clean break ..kids will adjust..my older girls were 13 and 11..youngest 2 and 5 months..I left an abusive relationship but left family and friends in the UK ..

Congratulations on the job offer! I'd be so excited to be able to work in the field I studied and offer my DC a better life because of it!
It's great that you have such a good relationship with your ex - my parents had a great relationship after they split top, so I know it can happen!
I think going out first to set up a home and organise schools makes sense, but personally I wouldn't do all the to-ing and fro-ing for the kids that you mentioned in your OP. Delaying them joining you so they can join you in a settled environment makes sense, but having them join you for a month then come back for a month and so on seems far more unsettling for them than if they just went straight out with you.
Personally I'd probably make the initial time you're out there alone no longer than a month as well - perhaps you could shortlist homes and schools remotely and then go over to visit and finalise everything?
Good luck, I hope it all works out for you all!

Meant to say loved 😍

Sounds like a sensible plan to slowly settle them in. When I was younger and we moved countries it was immediate; new area, new school, new friends. BTW I absolutely lived it and am so grateful for the experience! Fantastic opportunity for you and your family to see the world. Xxx

Assuming you can research schools/admissions etc on-line well ahead of going, you should go and have them with you from the start.

It seems sensible to get yourself settled first before taking the DC into the unknown. Have you considered them staying with dad as the main carer permanently and seeing you in holidays? I wouldn't have wanted to move abroad at 12 and leave behind all I know. A change in curriculum at secondary level could be detrimental to their education too. If they're going to need to learn a new language that's an additional stressor for them. I wouldn't want to leave my children and I can see how such an increase in salary could be hard to turn down, but they have a good father in the country they know so maybe it's best they stay with him and have stability and familiarity.

It is fairly standard for one adult to move first and then for the DC to move (with or without another parent moving as well).
However, the « building up » phase you describe is overly unsettling for the DC: why lot have them move « for good » once you have spent 1-2 months there and have sorted out housing / healthcare / school / etc. ?

Legal.

After 3 months the dc will be adjusting to both a new country and living with a parent who they are no longer as familiar with. I don't think it's in their best interests.

The strength of their relationship with you is what will get them through the stress of the move, and maintaining that is far more important than identifying a school place.

Would it really take 3 months to find a home and school? Couldn't you go for a week or ten days to sort that, then bring them over?

What industry?

Let me guess @ThatLilacStork …. This move from £30k to £150k - the new job has a pitiful base rate and most of this will be based on you hitting 100% commission target.

Bring them with you - find a school online and rent an air n b for for you and your children for 3 months while you find permanent accomodation. You can sort it all out once you're there, but keep your kids with you!!!

In his circumstances I think he’s being sensible, it’s certainly what you would have thought correct if situation was reversed. I do think going initially to set up home is a good ideal but when you take them for that month if everything is ok they can stay then but especially your older child I think they must be given some say because they could stay with their dad, only you can decide whether you could potentially have dc who don’t want to move with you? If a dad was moving overseas nobody here would support him taking dc away from their home, it’s no different to mums but doesn’t mean you can’t go too just need to consider them

I don’t think you should do this

I was earning £25k in the UK and now earning 5 times as much overseas, so it’s not completely unheard of.

Moving to and fro so slowly is what sounds insane to me. You should all move together, at the same time.

You are the only one who knows what your children are best able to cope with. Mine would be fine living in a rented flat/AirBnB for however long it took to get a full time rental/buy a place. I do think you should look up the school process, to see whether children can join at any point in the year or there are exams they have to sit first etc. This wouldn't necessarily delay the process, but would mean perhaps paying for a full time nanny and tutor until they start school.