Staying with ILs is a hell of my own making

Sympathies, we have similar but in France! ILs live near a great city but if we take ourselves there for the day we get the silent treatment, hiring a car causes offence and it’s just very boring. I speak French but they choose to speak a different language that I don’t speak at all so it’s quite dull to sit there not being able to contribute.

oh and the house is a wreck so we are expected to do loads of DIY.

I just refuse to go now and DH is welcome to take DS if he wants. He’s declined so far.

Sounds horrendous and I’d be climbing the walls - and I think I’m fairly tolerant.
However, what is this holiday like for your dc? If they enjoy it (kids can be weird ) then you’ll have to suck it up for now. If they don’t now or in the future then things will have to change.
It’s a long time every single year to be miserable. You could be having a great time at home.

That's the point about the kids enjoying it though - if they are loving this time and building a relationship with their cousins, having freedom to run around and play, these probably will be the holidays they look back at with fondness their whole lives. Younger kids actually like returning to the same place with regularity. As they get older they are likelier to want to travel more and explore new places.

Well it might not be “forever” but it will likely be her kids golden years (6-11) re family holidays!

If the kids are happy playing with their cousins you may have to suck it up for now... get a kindle or offer to clean the kitchen/cook to keep yourself busy. Or go to the local market/supermarket

It isn't going to be forever it sounds like the grandparents may not have too many years of hosting ahead of them anyway if they are past the childcare years/too infirm to travel.

OP can't your husband go early and you are the kids join him later. This is quite a rubbish way for kids to spend multiple weeks of there school holidays so say no.

I just wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t take my children to a dirty unsafe environment regardless of who I was married to. Dh can go on his own.

I do think you are being too self-sacrificing. Your DH chose to marry you and move to a different country, you didn't hold a gun to his head. He has got as much from the marriage as you have and there is no reason for you to feel guilty.

Surely some things are non-negotiable, such as taking practical steps so that you and your family aren't getting ill with D&V every single time you stay with your PILs due to their extremely lax hygiene? That is a very strong case for staying in a hotel or at least for your DH to put his foot down about hygiene in their home. There is absolutely no way I would agree to being poleaxed by severe D&V every single year.

Could you pay for your PILs to come and stay with you every other year?

What about your DH going on his own every other year? Your PILs certainly don't sound like hands-on and involved grandparents at all and they probably wouldn't be bothered about not seeing your children.

At the very least, can you cut down the length of the visit by ta couple of weeks? It sounds like you are currently staying for five weeks, which would be a huge chunk of your annual leave.

This. I would occupy myself cleaning while listening to podcasts. I would also batch cook and stock the fridge. They might be expecting you to do this and be wondering why their strange DIL just sits around staring into space all day. 😂

So what if they are outraged and dismayed? Is that a higher priority than your happiness?

I’d love to know what job you have that gives you ten weeks holiday, if you have to spend five weeks a year with your in-laws. Sorry, missed the point of the thread but don’t have any words of wisdom.

It’s not reasonable to spend the majority of your leave with your in-laws doing nothing and having kids doing nothing.
With the bug spoiling your trip this time can you propose that next year you start with a 10 day vacation, you all spend 4-5 days at in-laws then you bring the kids home so they get time with friends during long school holiday & OH stays an extra week or two.
This is broadly what my colleagues who have family in Asia or Latin America do. They plan well in advance and arrange time with extended family over a long weekend, travel somewhere else in the country or a neighbouring one as a vacation and often invite a sibling or their parents to join that and spend some time alone to catch up with friends and usually do some jobs to help out parents/sibilings.

I'm sorry, but this has to stop. Life is short and precious and you are wasting a 12th of yours (and your kids') being miserable.

You don't have to be with DH the whole time. Go for a week and come back with your kids - he can stay a bit longer if he wants to.

Could you do some work remotely from there and at least save leave?

Yes my son was fine in the end. Really surprised me how resilient he was. It was actually with a much loved in law who shares a really lovely bond with him, so they were devastated. It was the sort of accident that ‘could’ have happened even at home I guess, except I’m much more on the ball safety wise, so not really. They haven’t gone back to stay since as we’ve moved even further away now but DH is actually going alone soon.

Go for one week then go off for a holiday of your choice. What can they do? Bet the siblings would understand if they are decent people. Honestly my kids now late teen and we have so many holiday memories. Family holidays with primary aged kids are finite and precious. You are wasting yours.

I had many years of this - staying with the ILs abroad is NOT a holiday - I told H that he had to go on his own (it was him they wanted to see, not me) and told ILs that I couldn’t get annual leave OR a few times we both went and I came back early (because “I couldn’t get enough leave”)

Be careful if you invite them to visit you - mine stayed for 6 weeks at a time and complained about the food, weather, housekeeping, everything - they were much nicer at home !

You sound super sensible @LivinginILspockets

This can't go on as the kids grow though. They will be bored out of their minds. It's time to sit him down and say that it sounded like a good idea but it's not working and change it to him going out there and you and the kids following for a shorter amount of time due to ....make stuff up. Anything. Kids parties, school play, sports events, vaccination appointments etc.

He doesn't hae to tell them ahead of time or there will be a row. He can tun up alone and tell them that you are all arriving on such and such a day. One you have done it once, it can be continued.

Do this for your kids as much as yourself but if you are all getting the squits because of the lack of food hygiene, that is bloody dangerous, especially for kids.

I go every other year and just sit in a kitchen in a foreign land for two weeks even though the country is the most visited for the incredible scenery but the people (who are distant family) are the nicest people on the planet, there are lots of visitors that come to check if I am real and they bring amazing food and drink and although I can't speak their language and they can't speak English, we have a belting time.

Trust your gut (no pun intended).

@LivinginILspockets Where do you normally live?
Where do your ILs live?
How old are your DC?

Just wondering about the cultural differences you elude to - if you tell us countries so that won't be outing.

At some point you are going to have a chat with your DH about how miserable you are.
Just because he moved countries does not mean you have to visit his family every single year. It sounds like he is guilt tripping you.

There are thousands of people from the UK who have moved to Australia or NZ and stayed as they have met someone &/or love the country. They don't visit parents back in the UK every year.

I see you and hear you. Humour is honestly the only way to get through it alive. Obviously they wont get your humour so its just going to be played in your head. So you are going to imagine you are filming some sort of mocumentary for the bbc where things dont quite go to plan. Lots of self deprecation. Do you have a friend with a similar sense of humour you can share your daily updates with? If not, share them here!

I have said YABU as I simply wouldn’t go. I would limit visits to much shorter and in a hotel.