Staying with ILs is a hell of my own making

No I stopped doing this. Otherwise alike you say you spend all your annual leave frankly in a small house of hell

My max is 3 nights.

In an ideal world we split with hotel. Sometimes alone. Sometimes with in laws. We blame it on son so they are happy to stay elsewhere. Ie oh ds would really like to go to this zoo 3hrs away and then experience British beach so we are all going to stay down there for 3 nights. They often join so they get to experience also, and im not trapped in a house bored, with weird schedules and not my standard of food hygiene.

Sometimes also suggest they meet us a week later in say London on our route back to airport after seeing other family in between. Again, use child as excuse, Ds would love to go to this theatre or museum with you, join us 2 nights.

That way it’s something like: 2 nights at in laws on arrival, 3 nights away in hotel with them ( def separate rooms), 2 nights back at theirs. 6 nights we go to visit different side family other side country, 2 nights they meet us back in London before flight home. 2+ week trip, only 4 nights at their own home.

They also come and visit us more now Ds has school, activities, own appointments, and with dh and my work. We just say it’s not possible to do super long trips ( which it isn’t). Again, sign your children up for like a week intensive sport class or something one year so they have to be back.

I absolutely wouldn’t do this to my children. It’s not fair on them and it’s sounds unsafe and unsanitary. I would flat out say no and if your in-laws want to see their son/grandchildren then they can come here.

If it is as intolerable as you say it is OP, I get the feeling it's your children as they get older who will kick off at the idea of spending a month in this situation. Perhaps your DH will then be forced to see his family under different circumstances. At the moment it seems like you just need to make the most of it & do what you can to make it a better experience.

I honestly feel your pain. My in-laws used to live abroad (their country and DH's country of origin) and our visits would be the same. Staying with them, doing very little. It doesn't help that MIL is extremely clingy with her kids but especially DH so the mere mention of doing something ourselves would be met with histrionics. It's made me really dislike a place that usually ranks very high among travellers.

Once DD was born I got away with it by saying it was too long a flight to do wit her and why doesn't he go himself and I'll take DD somewhere in Europe with my mum. Worked out great and now his parents live here, a couple of hours from us so it's different. I still tell him to go with them by himself when they visit the home country though. I've absolutely no desire ever to return. I can see you wouldn't want to go down that route and be away from the children for a whole month though! And I'm guessing despite their lack of interest, it would be unthinkable for him to go without the kids now! I don't have advice just understanding as I have defo been there!

I honestly don’t know why you would suffer this just because you love your husband. If he loved YOU then he wouldn’t make you. It sounds awful. Grow a spine and speak up for yourself and your kids, stop being such a fucking martyr. It doesn’t mean you love him any less.

So staying in a hotel is “inexplicably weird” due to their culture so you bend to accommodate, even though his cultural norms are completely against YOUR cultural norms? I might’ve worded that strangely but where is your DH compromising here? I get he’s moved to another country etc but visits to family/holidays should always be a mutually compromising decision regardless of which of you moved countries. In other words, can you really spend the next several decades (no idea how old your in-laws are) essentially ‘paying’ the price annually for him having moved countries? Cos I certainly couldn’t live like that. Fair enough, many of us have to travel to visit in-laws and it’s rarely a fun experience but what you’ve described sounds like hell and I don’t agree that you should have to go through it every year with absolutely zero consideration for your comfort & happiness. Hell no.

Sorry but you are making a rod for your own back. You are choosing to put up with this. This is 2026, and you're being a doormat. Your H is riding roughshod over you and you are letting him.

You tell your 'D'H that next that you are all staying in a motel, and that it is NON-NEGOTIABLE. It's a hotel, or YOU DON'T GO, and you won't give children permission to go either. It's a hotel, or he goes over by himself. F'ing MEAN IT! And tell him if he doesn't agree, you will personally tell his MIL how filthy dirty she is. That will have him agreeing in fear you will blow everything up.

Reading back I haven't said anything new that you haven't addressed. But really you need to break the mold a little and make some new traditions. It's not like noone from this country ever go on holiday - they probably do it in larger groups.

I've definitely reframed my annual week visiting my elderly dad and stepmom (we don't even stay with them anymore) as family duty. But a month of suffering is a really long time! Assume you're a teacher if you're taking a month off.

Cut it shorter and split the time between home and a tourist location. A week at home and a week at a tourist resort (with them even).
He can stay another week if he wants to spend time or do odd jobs for them or he can occasionally go solo in term time - much cheaper !

I’d be suggesting a nice ten day holiday in March. Some lovely all inclusive/full of activities/somewhere that DH has always had an interest in. Zero mention of the month long trip to Asia, just how lovely it would be to see the pyramids/Rome/Hollywood… then six months later when it comes to booking the flight to Asia you only have two weeks left of AL.

So you stay in a cluttered, dirty, unhygienic place with people who have little/no interest in your kids.

Because they would be upset if you didn't?

Why does that even matter?

They're hardly bothered about having you there are they or they would make an effort!

What a waste of time & money.

From what OP says, DC might, having picked up the group culture. It's OP who has difficulties. Perhaps she should relax a bit. I let my DC ride with their cousin on a motorbike when on holiday in ex's home country. Cars had no seatbelts to make sure they were belted in, either. I had fun. We went to musical evenings, dined with interesting people...saw wonderful places. And in case OP thinks I am laid back, I have mild OCD and was a very careful mother - I didn't worry about unfenced pools though, DC could swim. I did miss a heartbeat when DS stepped off the edge of the underwater ledge in a man-made lake and disappeared, though. Came up again seconds later - he was 12, there was no indication that there was a steep drop. I was hyper-vigilant on beaches and by swimming pools, always hated 'beach' holidays with DC, not fun.

Hire a car and get out when you want to. Take the kids out on a bus or train or a taxi.
Book a hotel and head off by yourself leaving DH to deal with kids and his parents for a few days.
Declare an emergency and take yourself home?
Dont sit there hoping they'll change, they won't.

I genuinely don’t understand why this matters. Your DH and family can chose to be outraged and dismayed if they like. Your DH has chosen to live in another culture so he can’t be that attached to his family’s culture. Why do DH and his family’s feelings matter more than yours, or your children’s?

I wouldn’t be wasting precious annual leave to spend it living in a shithole and risking D&V every time we travelled there whether it was family or not. You respect your husbands culture therefore they should be respecting your cultural differences and standards. If that means living in a clean hotel, and making sure hygiene standards are good then so be it. I seriously couldn’t get on a plane knowing that the children and I were going to get ill at some point. There needs to be give and take on both sides. Yes he moved to be with you but that was his choice and you’re making the effort to go to his home country. I’d be making sure a clean hotel was booked and there were safe places to eat, life is far to short to be spending lengths of time in places you dread going to.

Have you ever thought about not forcing him to do this? Why does he need to spend 6 weeks with your family every year?

I get it.

On those rare occasions that we could afford to go abroad we always had to stay with my dad's family. It wasn't really a holiday for my mum and me.

We had friends in a similar situation. They were a bit better off, so their compromise was a fortnight with the family followed by a fortnight at a resort.

This is like our relationship but I am like your husband. I force my partner to stay with my family for 6 weeks every year. We stay with family. I'm from the UK and he has to stay in poky UK houses and not have any agency for all that time. He copes by taking himself of lots of mini breaks, like to Ireland, Liverpool, London etc. My parents and siblings aren't awful like your in laws though (or so I think).

Keep a diary. Day by day of the visit. Take photos of the filthy house.
Record the amount of time you spend cleaning the kitchen so you can eat.
Tha activities you do. The things his family do with the kids, or not.
Photograph the safety concerns etc..
At the end of each day get togethervwith DH and agree that the record is accurate.

This way, when the direct memories fade you will have a solid record of what a disaster the month is / was that cant be obscured with rose tinted glasses.
Even if it means you still go but insist on change when there it means you will know what you are planning to "defeat" and be doing it as a team rather than it ending up looking like your aversion to his family.

Well your options are you either grow a pair and put your foot down at your kids school holidays being wasted or you suck it up.

As an aside “home country” /“country of birth” is getting like the notorious “hobby” on here. Why does no one ever say whew it is, as it maybe helpful info? It’s hardly likely to be outing.

I voted YABU as your husband has made a huge sacrifice.
You use half your annual leave which I estimate is between 10 - 15 days.
As hard as it is and I fully understand your frustration, I think you need to change your mindset on this

I admit I wouldn’t do it. Wasting annual leave and a long haul flight, to sit with fuck all to do in a dirty house for a month? Just no. I would have set the staying-in-a-hotel rule right away tbh, stuck to my guns, and ignored any flack. I agree it’s a bit late now though, you’ve gone with it now and made your bed really. If you won’t risk the wrath/upset, etc of various family members you suck it up. Just buy in some cleaning products and crack on?

Day trips?
Gardens?
Zoos?
Museums?
Mini break in the country?
Can you say where without outing and see if any of us can make suggestions.

My in-laws are in a European country. They are judgemental and a visit is deeply unpleasant/boring. There is a SIL who never left home and is a malicious meddler. They eat one or two meals a day and a lot of sweets, plus drink all afternoon. Have to sneak out to get proper food. Doing anything outside the house is perceived as rude. We don’t have a lot of contact and now when we visit I do take DC out.

While the kids are young and you feel you need to protect them I’d continue because it seems to be a very real issue. But once older I’d leave DH off alone. In the meantime I’d hire a car and do a lot of day trips exploring the country around DH’s parents make plans and they can come along or not but at least you would get some space.

Honestly though I saw a family member really try to have these close family relationships from abroad. If people don’t have warmth and capacity like your in laws, they are always elusive. My family was similar, relationships between them are just elusive.