Staying with ILs is a hell of my own making

It sounds like a terrible dreary nightmare.....and I would refuse to go
DH could go without me . I understand that this is the way they do things and this is their culture..but it's not mine

If you cut the length of the trip by half maybe everyone might be relieved , your in-laws may find it difficult to have family stay so long .
I think you should suggest this to your husband.

Blow they guy away. He's a waste of your life.

That's what happens when you get involved with different cultures

That's what happens when you get involved with different cultures

Omg..

Oh my god

DH can stay with the In-laws

You and kids can stay at the hotel.

Do not destroy your mental health on your annual leave to please other people. A family member did just that & she ended up getting sectioned when returning to the aUK through stress and physically illness due to virus contracted in the place she was staying. It wasn't pleasant and she took almost two years to return to relative normality.

He did, eventually.

This is a relationship issue really. DH had this rammed home one year when DD started crying as she was so bored at the inlaws. Sitting round chatting isn't fun for kids and they'll eventually make their feelings known and your DH will have to adapt.

@turkeyboots and did your DH adapt (hoping he did!)??

Ha, this is exactly what my SiL does when stuck in my Mothers house for an extended visit.
This is a relationship issue really. DH had this rammed home one year when DD started crying as she was so bored at the inlaws. Sitting round chatting isn't fun for kids and they'll eventually make their feelings known and your DH will have to adapt.

This. I'd also rope DH into outdoor tasks like clearing old tiles off the patio so his parents don't fall over stuff in their old age, spot of painting. Potentially if his parents start lining up lots of jobs for his visits home it will take the shine off somewhat, you can only hope.

Next time at least put your foot down and say you need to start the trip with your own holiday so everyone is well rested, jet lag is gone and no-one hopefully has DV when you land on the in-laws after 10 days.

Have you no access to a car for days out / overnight trip mid week to do something interesting or is it just insanely rural in the manner of a huge country like Australia where it could be a 5 hour drive just to go to the shops? Or bonkers hot so doing anything with small children is really quite hard?

Some of this is a “suck it up” situation. Many of us have some difficulties with our ILs (whether they leave abroad or not!) and spending time with them for the sake of your kids and your partner is part of life. If they literally only see your kids once a year then staying eg a fortnight seems to be to be a “cost of doing business” and part of the kindness and accommodation of others that goes along with family. (It’s also helpful to remind yourself that how you do this will be part of role modelling to your kids how they and their future partners should treat you!).

however, this amount is too much. It needs to come down to 3-4 weeks “in country” of which you spend a weekish with them, travel for a bit (if necessary leaving your partner with his parents) and then back for another weekish. A shorter trip is also the only way this will be sustainable as the kids get older.

but the people who say an absolute “you don’t like it so you don’t have to do it” are wrong, imho. You need to do some of it (and personally I think a two year gap between seeing grandparents is very unreasonable as people can and do die suddenly). But maybe it has got a little out of hand in duration…..

This is going to sound pretty cold, but as you have said that your PILs are past the point of active grandparenting and long-haul travel, I'm assuming they are fairly elderly. In which case you may not be doing these trips for that many more years, so one option is to just do your best to go along with it for as long as it's still a thing.

I would say you need a job during the day - what about volunteering at an orphanage, nearby school etc and you and the DCs go in to chat in English with the residents to help improve their spoken casual English. Or become religious and visit the local Christian church to do the same.

It doesn't have to be a long haul flight to an undeveloped country to be tedious OP. In the same boat when I go to Canada . It's lovely , family want to see us but we are still trapped. Remote and driving anywhere an issue as they are upset if we suggest we go away as " we hardly see you " . Stuck in rooms that can't really accommodate us and kids were on blow up beds in an office / study. Spend an awful lot of time in cars visiting other elderly relatives that my kids got quickly bored and restless as no allowances made for them. Or visitors were hosted in the house and the concept of a being non drinking ( because of kids ) vegetarian made me an object of curiosity.
As kids got older they had friends , jobs , club activities that made long visits not possible. I survived by thinking of it not as a holiday but a duty .
And sometimes you need to sacrifice yourself as it's a good , kind thing to do not to abandon the people who took care of you and brought you up . Someday you might be a MIL or mother longing to see your grown up kids .
Your In-laws are doing what comes naturally to them and your DH lived there until he left . Try and tolerate it for awhile .

Were you not aware of your husband's culture and family set-up before you married him? Did you visit his parents in their home before you decided to spend your life with him? You could be talking about anywhere from Australia to Swaziland, in light of your comments it is probably somewhere like the latter, as most Australians live like Europeans. I'm guessing there is a lot of familial respect, regardless of how they interact with one another. I get that you feel this is a waste of holiday time, but you'll just have to accept it if you want to stay in the marriage. It sounds like your children enjoy the outdoor and carefree lifestyle it offers, that in itself is a positive for visiting the family. Your husband probably loves it, it's all he knew before coming to live in England. That just leaves you. I can imagine how awful it must be for you, you'd probably rather be somewhere exotic, 5 star AI hotel, lying on a sunbed watching the children in the pool, sipping a mojito cocktail, but you'll have to wait until your in-laws pass away, they must be elderly if they can no longer fly or babysit. In the meantime, you could book yourself into a hotel with a spa for the odd weekend to have some luxury and pampering, a nice treat for putting up with the yearly dutiful stay with your in-laws.

OP, does your DH enjoy these visits?

I have something quite similar, added to the fact I can’t drive and my ILs live in the middle of nowhere so my option for getting out in my own is walking up and down the road…

i’ve worked quite hard over the years to build up their image of me as someone who needs a lot of alone time, so I will do a lot of reading in the communal area and also a lot of of phone calls to my friends whatever the time zones will allow, and I also now bring hobbies – the perfect time to get into adult colouring or embroidery or whatever floats your boat. And then I am extremely clear with my husband that he needs to mind the children so I can colour or whatever and I can’t be full-time childcare while he sits around and chats to his dad!

I think you and kids could go bi-annualy, DH every year on his own? And for less time maybe. And insist on days away to visit tourist stuff?

I would absolutely hate it too OP, have you considered shredding your passport into tiny pieces the day before you are meant to go? 😂

It might all come to an end by the time your kids hit teenage and they refuse to go because they want to spend time with their mates. We spent every summer at my GPs in France, with my father complaining it was the IL show every year. We just thought he was ungracious. Then when I hit 15 it was as if that lovely place in the countryside was just drained of all its beauty, colour and interest. I had no desire to go there whatsoever and because of that, and a few other reasons, the summers in France stopped. A long time to bide it out, I know.

Oh and also if you cancelled your middle week exploration because you were sick presumably you spent this time with in laws already. So just replace last 2 weeks with them, with a rescheduled exploration trip of cool cities. You really don’t have to spend last 2 weeks with your IL as originally planned.

honestly im concerned about your levels of guilt and you really need to work with it, its not normal

I think you aren't valuing yourself enough. Your husband was lucky to marry you. While he has made a sacrifice by living in your country, I'm sure it's been of benefit to him too, and more importantly to his children's future.

You are being so careful to not insult his family and his culture, but they don't seem to offer you the same courtesy. A clean house and safe enough for children to be around, aren't exactly demanding requests.

I think you need a very frank talk with your husband, because this is just a waste of your precious holiday weeks.

If this helps Im not from the UK and I would not expect my husband or kids to spend 6 weeks every year in my home country with my family. Thats really excessive if you don’t enjoy it.
seeing them for 2 weeks every year is enough. 4 weeks in home country is huge and 6 weeks every year is honestly bananas in these circumstances.

I don’t understand your massive guilt over him moving to the UK - is that him guilt tripping you subtly or is that entirely your own idea?
you may benefit from some therapy to let this go because it’s not a given, honestly, and as an immigrant I know lots and lots of immigrant/mixed families and you feeling so guilty about him moving away is rather unusual (and spending 6 weeks every year for family visit which is not enjoyable is also
unusual - I know people who go every year for extended periods but that because they all enjoy it).

I think it might help if you (ideally with your DH) could separate out what is culturally appropriate in that country and what are idiosyncrasies of his particular parents. I don’t know of any culture where it’s the done thing for grandparents to ignore their grandchildren and to live in unhygienic conditions. Talk to your DH about it. Did his grandparents ignore him when he was a boy? Do you observe that behaviour in other older people in that country? Do you ever visit the homes of his siblings, aunts, uncles, etc? Are they similarly filthy?
Not wanting to be unkind, but how old are his parents and realistically how many more years might this be an issue?