Learning to drive is my husband bu

@lownessy Also in my 30s and learning to drive 👋🏼 - how many lessons have you had? How’s it going?

I’ve had 16.5hours with an instructor so far. DH insured me on his car last week and took me out this week for 2 x 10 min drives…
And it will be the last time 🤣🤣

Honestly, I know it seems like a great idea to get more practice in - it’s exactly how I felt. But I didn’t take into account how nervous I would feel with a nervous passenger in the car.

Everytime we approached a junction he was going for the brake, he was constantly inspecting my feet to see what I was doing, he looked bloody terrified 🫠🤣
I drive for 1.5 hours with my instructor going out of town on busy roads, dealing with roundabouts, dual carriage way etc and he hasn’t touched his dual control pedals since a couple of weeks in when I got the hang of the gears. I feel comfortable and confident in what I’m doing.

But with DH I was flapping driving round my local quiet area as I could feel how uncomfortable he was.

My instructor made a good point that DH hasn’t seen me on lessons, he doesn’t know what I have and haven’t dealt with and what I am comfortable with etc. He also doesn’t have any control.

Would your instructor be happy with your DH going along with you as a passenger on your lesson to see what stage you’re at? That’s what mine suggested if I wanted it but I’d rather just pay for more lessons than try with DH again I think 🤣

I’ve only recently learnt to drive. When DH took me out in my own car, we bickered, every single time! I could see his foot going for his (imaginary) break.

and he is honestly the most calm, chilled person - would probably make an excellent driving instructor for other people!

do you have friends who could take you out?
I think it’s better that your DH has been honest and said he doesn’t feel comfortable than him going in the car with you and you both ending up stressed or arguing

I’m a relatively new driver, I passed last August on my fourth attempt. I had weekly lessons and after a while went out in my own car with my husband supervising.
It was incredibly stressful for both of us, every time I approached a junction I’d see his leg moving as if to brake. He’d get pretty irate and more than once I stopped the car, got out and refused to drive any further. I didn’t drive with him again for well over a year.

When it got close to my fourth test he started supervising me again because I’d put lessons on hold between tests, just picking them back up a month before. My instructor did some motorway lessons with me because he’d taught me all I needed to do to pass the test, apart from calming my nerves, so it seemed pointless paying £40 a week just to drive around the area when I could do it for free in my own car.
This time it seemed to work and I gained so much confidence from this extra practice, we were going out most nights, and I attribute that to finally passing my test.

Just to say though, my driving instructor told me that he gave his wife a couple of lessons before getting in touch with another local instructor and paying for them to teach her instead.

Indeed. I'm a decent driver but I would not be suited to doing this for anyone!

Yabu

One of the most stressful experiences I had driving was when my husband was learning and I took him out. Never again! He is now actually the more confident driver out of the 2 of us (drives abroad which I refuse to do) and drives for a living but I hated the one time I took him and the lack of control I had.

Not everyone is suited or confident to supervise a learner driver

It’s really up to the driver sorry. It’s not for everyone, it’s really nerve wracking especially on open roads. Maybe he’d be more comfortable in a car park, doing some laps there or practicing manoeuvres.

Except he does need to take responsibility if she makes any mistakes, so it’s not the same as being an entirely passive passenger.

I once made a mistake when I was learning to drive and my then boyfriend was in the passenger seat as my ‘instructor’. I got pulled over by the police and it was him that got the bollocking, not me.

There’s absolutely no way I’d take a learner driver out. Just the thought of it brings me out in a cold sweat. I’d rather pay for additional lessons.

But he wouldn't be teaching you. He just needs to sit in the passenger seat to make it legal. He doesn't need to say a word !

I live in Germany, here it is not possible to practice in someone's car, it's driving instructor lessons only, so it's expensive to learn. My German DH learnt to drive in the UK as he went to a boarding school for sixth form.
If you pass at the age of 17 you can't drive on your own until you're 18.

Your husband is being really unreasonable and unkind, why does he not want you driving?

Maybe, maybe not. I refused to take some of my kids driving, but I was fine to take some others driving. Absolutely nothing about favouritism, just driving with some gave me the willies as their driving style was frankly, shit, and they didn’t listen to me at all, whereas they seemed quite happy to listen and take feedback and adapt when it was an instructor. Also, some kids my ‘instruction style’ didn’t suit well, whereas it matched well with others. So, we just don’t know whether the DH is being unreasonable or not.

ETA - I desperately wanted each of my kids to drive, so I had less/no running around for them. It wasn’t a ‘control’ thing over some kids. It was just that I believed I was not suited to being an instructor for some, as I was for theirs and I wasn’t comfortable. That’s not untoward control or abuse and my feelings could have just as easily applied to a spouse/partner as a child.

I think he is within his rights to say no. My ex told our DS that I’d take him out to practice so now i’m going to have to do it and i’m not comfortable to be honest. I’d rather pay for more lessons. Not everyone is comfortable to do it.

YABVU

Its not fair to pressure someone into a responsibility that they don’t want and are not comfortable with.

Op has stated he wants her to drive, so that is not the reason in this case.

But I'm not understanding why PPs are getting het up about this PP suggesting this: transport control (where an abuser blocks or sabotages avenues of independent transport, including learning to drive) is an EXTREMELY common manifestation of coercive control. A study on domestic abuse in the US found it was present in 20-30% of cases. An international study suggests this number is 58%. A large study in Mumbai said it was 48%, making it the most common form of coercive control.

It's perfectly reasonable to suggest that maybe Op's H is sabotaging OP. Sometimes abused women don't see what's happening and it is helpful for them if someone points it out to them.

Not every person with a driving licence is confident teaching a learner. I’m surprised it’s still a thing anyway, that any muppet with a licence can teach a learner driver. I think it should be done by someone properly qualified.

This. Even with over thirty years accident free driving experience, I wouldn't take any learner out, especially not a family member. I paid for all three DC to learn to drive, from licence, lessons to both tests.
Putting DC on our second car's (a Fiesta DH drives to work) insurance as a learner would have cost very little. 2DS had cars as soon as they passed. I traded in my beloved Volvo to share a 1litre brand new small car and paid to put DD on the insurance after she passed. I only write that to show it had nothing to do with money.
I wouldn't have felt comfortable, would probably have undone their instructor's tuition and doubt my nerves would have stood it. I'm surprised any decent instructor suggested it if they know of DH's reluctance, unless you're taking lessons in your own car and not progressing.

Does your car have an Emergency Stop function? Many modern cars do, the sensors detect if you’re too close to another vehicle/ object and warn you- if necessary, they’ll perform an emergency stop.

Our car is 8 years old and has this feature, it definitely made me more comfortable when out with my teenagers!

I agree with @ChattyCatty25 that just practicing in empty car parks will help hone your skills. Plus you can practice maneuvering into spaces.

YANBU, your husband doesn’t need to be “comfortable”, parents do it for their teen kids all the time. He doesn’t even need to teach you anything now you know the basics, just supervise you. All practice is good, even without instruction.

Even if you just practice manoeuvres with him in an empty car park, it will save time and money.

I think it’s unreasonable if he hasn’t tried.

But a lot of people seem to be really unsuited to sitting in a car while a learner drives. I’ve been teaching my kids, and it’s been going fine, but they say most of their friends parents are very nervous and make their friends nervous when they drive. It can be a bit terrifying and if you aren’t good at keeping your cool under pressure and interjecting calmly in plenty of time, it can be a recipe for ruining relationships - especially if you are peers rather parent/child.

Would he be comfortable driving you to an empty car park and letting you practice maneuvering? Just moving the car about, even if not on the road could help stop you losing as much between lessons.

Not going to lie, I can’t say I blame him. It’s not ideal for you, but my DH is currently learning to drive and I am forcing myself out with him even though I am very nervous and uncomfortable, frankly I don’t have the calmness for it

He’s much better now than he was so I’m definitely more relaxed, but at the beginning my heart was in my mouth the entire time. But I still get quite nervous approaching busy roundabouts etc with him, and I do end up stressing him out when I get stressed

I taught my DD how to drive, and it was very nerve racking! She crashed into a hedge (could have been a lot worse!!), which was a bit terrifying. There was nothing I could do without dual controls.

Unfortunately where I live, you mostly learn to drive from your parents, topped up with the odd lesson.

I couldn’t do it. It was nerve wracking with a learner. My child has had their licence for 20 years and still won’t drive me. I scarred them that much. ☹️ If he doesn’t feel comfortable, don’t expect him to. Or, you too could be scarred as well.

"just waiting for my theory test before we can look at me being ready to book my actual test. "

Just to pick this up from your OP, @lownessy are you aware of the timescales on driving tests at the moment? Across most of the UK you have to get up at 6am on a Monday to book a test 5 months in advance. There are apps to get cancellations but there are a lot more frustrated learners than tests, so it's hit and miss. If you haven't even taken your theory yet, your practical might be a good few months off still. You'll need to find a new lesson slot I think.

He is very sensible to say outright that he is uncomfortable being in the passenger seat with a learner driver. Not everyone has the patience, ability or sheer nerve to do so. Whereas a driving instructor has dual controls, your car does not. My husband was very good when l learned to drive and, years later, when our children learned to drive. I, on the other hand, would have been terrified to be a passenger with a learner driver, especially one who had not had many lessons so it was better for me to admit to this and not go out with them under these circumstances. A car can be a deadly weapon and it needs someone to be in control and keep calm at all times.

That's a fabulous idea.

I think it's a really important principle in driving that you try to drive within your limits. Don't get coerced into something that you feel is beyond you. I think his reluctance sounds like lack of confidence in himself rather than any reflection in you. You need to respect his limits just as you'd want him to respect yours if, for example, you had the flu, or were extremely tired, or had had a small, under-the-limit amount of alcohol and were uncomfortable to drive. It's the driver's call whether to get behind the wheel, and as your supervising person he has that same right and responsibility to refuse if he does not feel up to the job. It's a much bigger ask than you're probably aware of, especially without the dual controls.