Should I apologise to DH?

@WorldMap24 If my post seem accusatory about neglect I am sorry that was not the intention, I mentioned that amount of accidents point to other issues that you have already identified and dealing with. it’s hard dealing with a pet with health issues.

if it helps, bio washing powder in a little warm water gently agitated into the carpet and given a few minutes to work their enzyme magic before sucking up with the vax is super quick and effective.

Yes. I was answering OPs question. It's what I would do. It starts a conversation, hopefully calmly, around what happened. Realistically you can't really make people apologise. If I have something to apologise for, I try to get on with it.

Pleased you’ve not done anything in those 25 years to ‘make’ your dh shout at you.

Isn’t there another thread here about a woman upset because her husband shouts at her for being lazy, or at least he perceives her as lazy. I might revisit it to see if posters are overwhelmingly in favour of the dh shouting.

The fact the some posters on here think the incident is a big thing and some don’t shows it is subjective, and if someone shouts at you because subjectively you ‘made’ them shout at you, how can that ever be okay?

I probably would have apologised too for shouting, that's not how we want to communicate as a couple.
However I wouldn't have cleaned up the carpet either, I would have sent him the instructions on what to do and he would have done it (and learned from it for next time).

No you shouldn't have shouted, but you also shouldn't have cleaned it up. He should have been the one to do it. If you do find it needs going over again make sure he does it not you OP!

You shouldn't have shouted, but when confronted with that situation at the end of a long day, I think it's an understandable slip. No one's perfect, and we don't have endless patience.

What's not understandable is why he left urine on the carpet all bloody day, when he had multiple opportunities to clean it up. His excuses are pathetic. If he knows how to use google and he's intelligent enough to hold down a job, then he knows how to deal with dog urine in carpet. Bloody google it, man.

I'd tell him that you'll apologise for shouting when he apologises for not cleaning up urine. And also, that if he really doesn't know how to, he'd best learn through practice, and cleaning up the next several messes the dog might make. Then, when he apologises (if he does) genuinely tell him you're sorry you shouted and you should have remained calm...but he still has to clean up the next few dog accidents that might occur.

Then make sure you remember to get him to do it, if or when it happens again!

@Daisywhatsyouranswer It’s just the usual hypocrisy, sigh.

We’re all different. I wouldn’t like it, I would find it very upsetting in the same way I would find a boss shouting at me or a friend. I’m not planning on taking a dump in the middle of the lounge in front of their friends, so can't really imagine what kind of situation I would accept being shouted at. Dog piss would annoy me but not make me shout. My kids didn’t grow up in a shouty house and I think we have reaped the benefits of that too.

The only person I’ve shouted at is my sister but that was very warranted and a long time ago when we were teenagers (so not the same on any level).

For what it’s worth, we both shout occasionally in a very long, equal and happy marriage. And no we wouldn’t shout over a mistake like burning the dinner but over being a lazy git? Yeah, I’d shout!
And whoever said dog pee doesn’t smell? Er yes, it does. Op I recommend Urine Destroyer, you can get it off Amazon, cleans it up a treat.

Thanks for your concern 😘

We do need to agree to disagree as I don’t perceive shouting at your partner in this context as any form of sign of a safe equal or loving relationship and feel sad for you you think this is what thay looks like.

After 25 years of marriage, if my husband shouted at me for something selfish, useless and filthy I had done, I would not bat an eyelid. In the context of a safe, equal and loving relationship, it would not bother me I’m afraid. Obviously if it was prolonged and aggressive it would be a different story. But as a quick short frustrated burst, it would not be a big deal.

I grew up with Parents who gave each other the silent treatment. That was far far more damaging for me than a frustrated shout would have been.

I agree with this. I couldn't have got worked up about this if he generally pulls his weight. I'd have said, "No time like the present for you to learn how to work the vax!" and then gone up with him to guide him as he cleans it properly. Shouting is just so unnecessary in any relationship and should always be followed by an immediate apology.

Surprised people think you’re not unreasonable, for me you are not unreasonable to be annoyed but hugely to shout, and if the genders were reversed people would be crying is he always abusive if he shouts over minor things,

Listen, neither of you wanted to clean-up dog piss from the carpet.

Your DH did the minimum to convince himself job done, he could then sit his arse-down. Told you, so that you know he does help out with things.

You explode because his minimum is not your minimum. You now have to-do your minimum before you get to sit your arse-down.

They do say ‘many hands make light work’ 😂

Basically drop your standards to your husband’s level or get on with it.

It’s a carpet cleaner, either smaller handheld unit that adds cleaning solution and then sucks up all the stain / wet mess or an upright carpet cleaner like a vacuum cleaner for wet spills / stains.

You were rightly frustrated and so you wrongly shouted. With hindsight I’d have made him google how to clean up dog wee from carpet and followed those instructions. The joy of hindsight etc.

does he now know what to do next time?

I don’t think YABU to be irritated and to tell him you think he should have done something differently. You are, however, unreasonable for shouting and over-reacting- you are far more annoyed by this than I think the issue warrants. Especially as you say he generally pulls his weight, so if that is the case then it’s not like this is a “straw that broke the camels back” situation.

we all lose our cool sometimes, it happens and it’s not necessarily a big deal. Just apologise and move on- you can make it clear you still think he didn’t deal with the dogs incontinence properly and you believe you are justified in being annoyed about it, but you are apologising for the way you dealt with it which was not ok. He should then apologise for his error in judgement. And then yiu can both take a deep breath and move on. You do seem very invested in being in the right though.

As others have said, shouting isn't hugely constructive, all the person thinks about is the shouting and not their own actions, and the argument then moves to the shouting etc and the original point gets lost.

However I would have been annoyed and would have made that annoyance clear. Either he knows that it's shit to leave it (in which case he was being lazy and selfish) or he has no clue how to clean it up (in which case he could have asked)

What I'm not clear about is why it's you who is now using various products and techniques to clean it up, why isn't he doing it?

Thanks!

Next time, spend the time you would have spent writing this post and clear up the mess.

You came home to a cooked meal & a husband that sat with you so you don't eat alone, wants to chat about your day and you kick off over a accident? Yes you should absolutely apologise. Massive over reaction. I can't believe you're having to even ask.

Shouting, unless someone’s life is in danger, is not acceptable. Do you agree with men shouting at women?

Both should be apologising.

We do, and we don't use a Vax. And I, personally, am female.

The horror!! 😱