To say that when I am Leader of the World

Misusing the word of in place of have.

Must of / could of

Talking in present tense about past events. " "So I'm driving to work" No, you are standing in the kitchen talking to me.

Toddlers who make unreasonable requests. E.g. for you to not peel the banana, but they are incapable, so now we are screaming because the fruit is still inside the skin.

Can we add using foglights when there is no fog to the list please??

Eating in non eating designated places will result in eviction e.g. theatre, cinema, trains. You do not need to gobble and rustle constantly. Hoola hoops or carrots in an office setting will also require death by lethal injection.

It will be perfectly legal and reasonable to push people over if they stop to chat and block doorways or supermarket aisles.

Driving significantly below the speed limit for no discernable reason - 35 in a 50 on the completely straight lane down to our village in dry daylight conditions will result in a one week driving ban.

People that whisper will have their mouths sellotaped together. I loathe the sound of whispering.

People that whine all day at work can be instantly sacked.

But why? What harm does it do anyone else, other than waste about five seconds?

Slow walkers, except if you’re a cute old person (not many of those around) or you have a disability.
Blocking the supermarket aisles with your trolley whilst chopsing with someone whose trolley is also in the way.
People who grow enormous bastard conifers and allow them to grow over their fences.
Dog owners who praise their dogs for being twatty nobheds - ditto praising badly behaved children
People who fail to attend NHS appointments
People who are intolerant- obviously not me 😂

Double sentence for picking up dog shit in a plastic bag then hanging it on a tree/fence post/dumping it on the floor. Filthy fuckers.

Can we add to your prison,

1. drivers who drive the wrong way down one way car parks
2. Teachers who request stupid costume/ingredients/craft construction with less than 1 working week’s notice. I cannot provide Tudor dress and 6 ramekins overnight.

No because more cars have the tank on the driver’s side than the passenger side, that’s why you get more people using the pumps on that side. So those who are willing to stretch the pump around are being helpful in keeping things moving.

Also even if your were right and it was even, it would depend who was at the petrol station that day.

So best if everyone uses the ones that are free in the order they arrived at the petrol station.

In the meantime, while we're waiting for @Wheelskeepturning to become leader of the world, posters who start threads and then don't bother to engage any further, should be banned from mumsnet for a month for their impoliteness.

No, sorry. You’re mad!

People who blow their noses at dining tables.

I want to live there too please

I think I'd take them to the gallows and put everyone out of their misery 😬🤣

I do this if necessary. It’s an efficient use of time. You’re wrong.

Triple life for OPs who get threads pulled when they don't like the responses.

I’m sorry everyone but the petrol pump one absolutely infuriates me.
If everyone used the right ones the queue would move just as quickly no?
Or car manufacturers could put them all on the same side.

@Youspurnme you'd get my vote on the uniforms alone!!

Can you add parents who park on zig zags two metres from the school gates 😡 please. @Wheelskeepturning .

Oh God I hate, hate, hate that!! 😡

I always give them an ice cold stare and say "Why?"

may I suggest, if you’re neighbour has building work which is disruptive, then they must invite you round so you can see what it’s like when it’s done.
Id also like to see Zoopla compelled to publish selling prices in a more timely fashion. I’ve forgotten I’m interested 6 months after it’s been sold.

And a double life sentence for leaving out their kid's ages.

People who don't indicate when driving. I'll get my crystal ball out shall I?

Excellent thread OP. I’ve put a lot of thought into my plan when I am Benign Global Dictator. Agreed on all of the above and respectfully submit:

1. no lights will be allowed to have a flickering setting. On or off, pick a lane.
2. no one will be allowed to drive a modified car with an obnoxiously loud exhaust anywhere other than a designated race track (preferably on a remote island somewhere)
3. people who don’t move down the train/tube when it’s full have to get off and walk. I don’t care how far it is.
4. anyone who litters will be forced to pick up litter for a day. Same for not picking up after their dog.
5. anyone who scrawls mindless graffiti tags will be forced to redecorate the home of someone who needs it done but can’t manage or afford it. Paint, wallpaper, fixing wonky doors or whatever.
6. all school uniform jumpers must be available as supermarkets and the school can hand out iron on logos. Same for blazers, trousers, PE kits.

there are more but I have to go and make DC lunches. Will be back later.

Just so long as you don't try and pinch Greenland, @Wheelskeepturning !

Your stated manifesto is fine by me, but the petrol station thing in a later post is weird : I would imprison people who don't make use of the hose length that is provided to enable both-sides filling.

Re dog poo, please make it an aggravated offence to bag the poo and then leave in behind. Crucifixion for a first offence.