AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

on another note, he really shouldn’t be drinking a lot of coffee… it stains teeth and this combined with his smoking will likely result in very discoloured teeth. Also bad breath 🤢

i think @SilkySquirrel would just let him live with her rent free for ever more, spending her pension buying loads of coffee pods in her weekly shop and whatever other shite he wanted 😂

Sure, anything is technically possible for "young people" in general, but what about this young man in particular, who is so inept he has already twice failed "to understand the cost of living".

What is the change or mechanism or experience by which he will learn not only the true cost of an adult life but all the skills that go into running it?

When at the moment, his parents are maintaining for him the illusion that someone earning 1800 pm can reasonably expect to have 1300 in disposable income, and actually ideally a bit more, plus free coffee pods.

(And congratulations, naturally, to your child for his financial acumen. He sounds very, very different from this poor unfortunate soul we're discussing.)

Because it is perfectly possible for young people to understand the cost of living without their parents making a profit off them.

As I said earlier, DS1 knows much more about saving and investment than I do. He independently set up a stocks and shares ISA invested in the Spanish stock market, as he identified this as a growth area.

Parents don’t need to emulate greedy landlords to teach young people financial skills.

@Foxybyname why should they save it. Why should parents pay all the costs of an adult child who is earning their own money. Why should the parents be out of pocket. Dom adult children earn more yhsn ther parents. Thay have to learn that life costs money and it is not free.

@QuizNight, this young man, aged 23, has already failed TWICE at living independently. Failed so spectacularly that the had to be bailed out financially by his parents both times.

Please, please, please explain to me, and the other mystified posters, how he is ever going to manage to set up on his own, if he is allowed to exist under the delusion that the cost of an adult life is 500 pm AND to have the temerity to suggest that it should be less?

@SilkySquirrel, if you can put "profit" to one side for a moment, I would welcome your thoughts on this specific question too.

(And the question relates to JUST finances, we're not even talking about cooking, cleaning and washing yet!)

It is, I know! They lost their previous phone and wanted the then latest i-phone, that is on my account but they reimburse me. That contract runs out soon, so they'll be getting a sim only I'm sure

@Chickenwing2

op’s son isn’t a child though is he. He is an adult with a job.

@SilkySquirrel

well OP’s son is free to leave the country if he’s finding it so bad… somehow I don’t think he will as he’s getting too much of a good deal with his mother. Who else is gonna cook and clean for him?

I think it is excessive, but I wouldn’t charge my children anything to stay at the family home.

I think she is making a fortune out of him to be frank, which is absolutely appalling.

It is very relevant. No wonder so many young people departing the UK these days.

Not only do they have to deal with a terrible jobs market, housing crisis and rising cost of living; but even their own parents out to make a quick buck from them!

OP hasn’t given us the numbers for how much it costs her to run the house or how much her housekeeping costs are. I spend a fortune on food and I am not a man in my twenties.

Also OP is providing free cleaning and catering services.

My point is that you have no idea of how much he costs or the house costs or her hourly rate for cleaning and catering and yet you are convinced the OP is exploiting her son. You have no way of knowing and neither do we.

@OP is not in Spain 🤷‍♀️ so you know, what your husband says is irrelevant

DH says it would literally come to blows between family members if that happened in Spain.

@SilkySquirrel

i hope OP has bought some nice things for herself from her sons keep, some nice makeup and cocktails that kind of thing

Why on earth should parents be profiting from DC! It is absolutely disgusting!

She might be - I don’t think that’s unreasonable (I am in a minority on this thread on that, but not a minority of one).

He’s a salaried adult living in the house who would have to pay rent, bills etc if he lived elsewhere (and for a cleaner, and for a place with a drive where he could charge his EV). I think it’s reasonable that he pays more than the bare minimum, albeit less than “market rate”

I agree that he’s a terrible lodger and I would be telling him to move out. I still think she’s charging him far more than he’s costing her.

100% @Biskieboo

Next, posters will be suggesting he calls child services, because of all the exploitation 😀

I've heard it all now - asking a fully grown, full time working man for £500 per month to cover all the essentials, while he takes the piss by smoking in the house and not tidying up after himself, is 'exploitation' that 'needs to be called out'! Christ almighty if you wanted to raise a man-baby unable to cope with the real world or sort things out for himself then not charging somebody like that a decent amount is a very good way to do it. And if he resents it in future years then that would just confirm he's a bit of a prick.

There becomes a price point I think where if you’re charging an adult child what you’d charge a lodger then you no longer get to do the parental side of being in charge and the whole ‘it’s my house’ thing.

If OP had a lodger, she would absolutely be able to say “this is a no smoking house and garden, and please tidy up when you cook”

ETA and “you are welcome to use the coffee machine but please buy your own pods”

Why bother charging anything? You're doing him no favours concerning his future life. Or maybe you want him reliant on you forever?

You are making absolute bank off him, charging £500 a month. Yes, he’d pay more if he moved out but equally you’d still have an empty room making you no money and there’s no way he’s costing you anything like £500 a month in extra bills. He’d also have his own place and own rules rather than still playing the role of child with parents setting the rules. There becomes a price point I think where if you’re charging an adult child what you’d charge a lodger then you no longer get to do the parental side of being in charge and the whole ‘it’s my house’ thing. If he’s being treated like a flatmate then you need to treat him like a flatmate and come up with shared rules together where you need to compromise too.

Saying that, based on your updates, I suspect you’re overcharging him in the hopes he’ll move out which is understandable as he sounds like a nightmare to live with.

@SilkySquirrel

you STILL haven’t explained why you think a GROWN MAN shouldn’t be contributing to the financial and practical running of the house in which he lives?? Is that cos you know you’re talking silly?