AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

I think £500 is probably a bit too much but if he's not cleaning, you use some of that money to pay for a cleaner and suggest to him if he doesn't like it, demonstrate that he can clean up after himself and you'll refund £100 a month.

Nespresso coffee pods are a crazy unnecessary expense. Also they produce plastic waste with every shot.

If you like good coffee, buy coffee beans plus a grinder, or ready ground, and make it in a cafetière or one of those Italian stovetop ones.

Then you can choose the blend and roast you prefer and get far more coffee for your money - better, fresher coffee.

Thing is, he isn’t going to sagely think ‘oh wow I took mum for granted.’ These things can build resentment, fair or otherwise, and young adults can be very sensitive to what they perceive to be parents trying to get rid of them (even if you are!)

And in fairness … I rent the house I owned before I met DH out. It’s £850 a month for the entire three bed house. So £500 is a lot for a room, even though it includes board etc.

He can start looking for another place to live if he's unhappy with yours.

Room and board (for most of the week) and charging his car for 500 a month is a steal. Now he expects you to provide significantly costly extras like packs of drinks and thinks he's paying too much.

Set him back. You provide meals but the extra things he wants like coffee pods and packs of drinks are for him to buy for himself. They are also not part of the family food, so if he does, keep your husband and daughter out of his stuff.

I’d have him reduce the rent but buy his own luxuries.

I agree with you on the coffee pods and canned drinks. My 22 and 23 year old are currently at home (23 year old about to move out) and if they want relatively expensive food items that I wouldn't normally buy (or would buy much less of) then then need to buy them themselves.

Having said that, I dont charge them any rent as DS isn't currently earning much while he applies for longer term jobs, and DD has been saving to enable her to move out, but I still believe in them facing the costs of expensive choices like matcha!

At first I thought the 500 was a lot but he charges his car I’m assuming every night? So that’s a lot
Not necessarily. Ds2 ev charge is less than £40 a month. My colleague who has a large Vmw pays around £50.
Obviously ot is dependent on how far they are travelling but its not a lot.

Is £500 what it actually costs for him to live with you? I would put together a household budget and see whether this is really his share of the bills. Then you can decide whether he needs to pay for the coffee pods, his EV charging, etc.

500 is a lot especially as you don't need it. I find it really distasteful profiting off children. It's a different story if the household needs the additional funds. Parents should be there to help their children. Is he saving for a deposit? I'm forever grateful to my parents for allowing me to live rent free in their house while I saved for my deposit.

I'd cut his rent but ask him to buy his own coffee pods

Personally would never charge mine rent and keep it. I would get them to give a contribution in line with their income and put it aside for them (not them knowing that).

Luxuries he can afford himself and are not on you.

I dont find this to be excessive if it includes all bills, and also his share of the food for 5 out of 7 days!

If he thinks this is excessive, I would maybe suggest to him that you can reduce it to £350 on the condition that he pays for his own food throughout the week.

If not, then he is more than welcome to find elsewhere to live (which will send up being about double the cost)

I think £500 is a lot from his salary.
I also think that he should be buying pods himself.

I think people charging their ADULT children a pittance a week are setting them up for a very nasty shock in the future.
I disagree with this.
Both my sons were living in their own homes by the age of22. The manage to pay their mortgage, bills, insurance, council tax, food etc. It wasn't a shock because since they started high school I talked through money matters and the 3 rule of paying bills off first, saving some and thirdly enjoy some.

I drummed into them the Micawber principle!
Admittedly ds1 sometimes goes off piste with his money but he always manages to pull it back!

Not "setting them up for a nasty shock in the future", they're well aware of the real costs of living/bills etc having lived in shared houses at Uni, and managed their budgets accordingly. We're simply putting them in a good position to save hard, so they can save their house deposit quicker. If they weren't of the minset to save, I guess we'd charge them a higher "rent" and save that for them, but fortunately that hasn't been an issue for us, they're both well on the way to having a deposit to buy their first homes.

I just find the idea of making a profit out of my child pretty distasteful. Obviously it's different in households where finances are stretched and the contribution is needed to survive. That said, it's worrysome when middle aged adults need their child to subsidise them to be able to pay their bills. What are these adults going to do when their child moves out?

In fairness to you the Nespresso capsules are really expensive.
Has his Costs increased with your rural move?

At first I thought the 500 was a lot but he charges his car I’m assuming every night? So that’s a lot

I think in that case I'd take the hint and move out.

My son brings home £1800, we charge him £200.
We pay for most of his meals, but if he wants take out then he pays for it.
Same if he decided he wanted something different to what we are offering, he pays. He also pays for his own phone bill, luxury items such as fizzy, treats.
We do however pay for the coffee 🤣
This allow him to save as much as he can.

I think £500 a month is quite a lot to take from your DS if he’s trying to save for a house deposit for example. I don’t think you’re wrong about the coffee pod situation, but maybe have a sit down with the whole family about the cost of coffee pods and how you can’t spend £150 a month on pods for the household.

You are doing the right thing charging him £500.00. He brings home more than me and I pay towards a mortgage. I think people charging their ADULT children a pittance a week are setting them up for a very nasty shock in the future.

If he works full time I'm surprised you don't just make him pay for all his own groceries. Bar milk, butter etc which you plus him should both buy for the house. It's not like he's living in a B&B.

I started buying all my own food as soon as I started work at 18. But then again I did used to be given a budget from 14 onwards for all food and did all my own cooking. My mum was bereaved and busy working so I was happy to cook own meals.

My 23yr old buys his own luxury food items and takeaways . He can use the household staples like butter, sauces, toilet rolls etc

He pays his own phone deals though .
His rent is £400pcm. I couldnt afford to support him financially without his contribution as I’m a lone working parent and he knows that he gets a good deal .

This is why schools should teach a class about how much it costs to live. He’s 23 years old, I was living with my husband at that age and I can tell him it cost us more than £500 each!! If he doesn’t like it, he knows what to do.

£500 is much more than the going rate for parents to charge young adults round here, and you will be making a significant profit from him. How much does it actually cost you in additional utilities and food to have him there? Probably no more than £100/m tbh. I wouldn't be comfortable profiting of my young adult child tbh.

Except for when affordability is an issue and the contribution is needed to make ends meet, then the going rate round here (affluent home counties) is around £2-300/m all inclusive to allow the YP to save. And generally, where affordable, the "rent money" is saved and handed back to the child in the form of a contribution towards a house deposit.

Most people want to give their young adult children a helping hand in life, rather than seeking to profit from them.

Maybe he needs a reality check in how much it would cost him to rent a room, pay bills etc. Are you able to save some of that £500 on his behalf, if you don't need the money, and give it back as a property deposit once he's ready?