AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

I would say: One third of his take home pay, plus all bills for his personal usage items. If GF stays over her costs also (slightly over estimated). Also, if he want extras, i.e. fizzy drinks, alcohol, special food, he purchases them himself and they are shared as a family.

This I believe is fair in a shared home and it gives him a small idea of budgeting and costs.

£500 and you want more?

yes, all day long if you need it. You say you don’t. For me, if I was charging £500 a month I’d cover everything - within reason of course. So yes to a set amount of coffee pods a month and yes to all meals all week - if he wants takeaways then it’s reasonable for him to pay for those. I’d let the 30 quid charging of his EV go too

£500 is a fair amount, certainly more than many parents charge though I would include Friday and Saturday as in help yourself to food if you are eating out and we always paid for ours when we ate out (and didn’t charge rent because we are soft)

I don't understand about the pods.
I have just ordered 200 (100 caffeinated, 100 flavoured) and that is costing me £36.26 including p&p. Special offer at the moment.
How in god's name are you spending £150 on coffee pods?

There are companies out there that sell very slightly imperfect nespresso pods

£500 a month sounds quite steep to me and I am always on the side of kids paying their way. Good life lesson.

Agreed.

This is very depressing reading.

I feel for you OP....

Is HE saving any of the 1k + disposable he has towards a deposit?

This is very easy: tell him to take a look at costs to rent a room in a house share, then come back and tell you that he thinks you're being unfair. He can move out if he thinks he'll get a better deal than what he's currently getting.

My God he sounds like the grown men still living at home in the film stepbrothers.

He needs a reality check and he needs one fast. It sounds like you’ve done too much for him and he’s gotten away with doing too little for far too long.

Amazed by all the replies saying it's too much, the poor love, and even those advising his parents to walk him through the household budget and/or the costs of renting independently. He's 23!

I hope these PPs aren't the same ones raging at 'boomers' for having it easy. We sure as hell never had it THAT easy 👀 What age is this young man actually supposed to start growing up?

It depends what he’s doing with the rest of his salary. Is he actively saving to buy his own place (have you seen savings) or is he just being tight because he wants to piss his money away on other things?

He’s 23! He’s expecting you to buy his takeaways - you really need to get more into where his money is going - both his salary and what he’s paying you and show him as he is not getting it at all @QuaintNewt

i agree I might agree to match save but ONLY if my
adult child understood money and wasn’t waffling on about fairness based on poor money sense like they’re 15.

Have now rtft

Congratulations, you've raised a kidult

Stop enabling him or he will never learn responsibility. At some point you have to let him fail & learn from it, whether its losing his job etc

And me. They don’t even need the money!

Take him round the supermarket with you and let him see what things actually cost.

Time to give him the prices of shared rooms in houses locally and calmly suggest that maybe this is a good time to look at moving out.

This. Its really bad for young adults to get used to a lifestyle based on parents subsidising housing & bills, enabling them to have a whole salary of disposable income.

When they have to pay ordinary bills from a modest junior salary its suddenly a shock that they aren't in fact rich.

This does include all his food and bills, including mobile etc, so that really isn't that much. With the cost of groceries these days I'd be surprised if his food costs you less than 200 pounds a month, and that's without coffee pods etc.

Time to give him the prices of shared rooms in houses locally and calmly suggest that maybe this is a good time to look at moving out.

This. Its really bad for young adults to get used to a lifestyle based on parents subsidising housing & bills, enabling them to have a whole salary of disposable income

How much did it cost to 'bail him out' twice? Is there an element of repaying the costs of saving him from himself in this scenario?

As a member of the household who doesn't contribute to its smooth running and makes no effort to be considerate of the other members of the household, I think £500 is a bargain. If he behaved this way in a houseshare he'd be paying more and wouldn't have people that put up with his laziness and bad attitude re chores etc.

Why don’t you reduce his rent to £400 but say he has to buy his own groceries and will not be cooked for? Might give him a reality check as to how much groceries cost…

He’s 23, not 18. He’s well into adulthood and has been bailed out several times already. Giving him a lower cost isn’t going to help him he desperately needs to learn to budget.

what’s he doing with his excess £1300 plus pm? Other than buying takeaways…

How much is rent in a room of a shared house in your area? You can get something for less than £450 round here and that includes bills. It might give him a bit more independence. Can you afford to lose the money you are making from his rent?

I think it is a lot if the money isn't needed. I wouldn't be paying for coffee pods etc though either. Yes he would pay a lot more on his own but I would look to make it something to support him moving out and getting ahead in life. With £1800 he should be saving a huge chunk of that. I would probably charge £500 and have a deal where I will match out of the £500 what he puts in a savings account. So if he puts in £500 I match, £200 I match and he pays for his food and bills etc or max it at £400 and have them included.

My son is the same age as yours and we have a slightly different arrangement. We charge him less rent, but he covers all his own bills. We supply basic food but he buys his own beer and ingredients when he's cooking. He's also responsible for any media, and replacing furniture in his room.

In theory he's learning how to budget but I'm sure it'll still come as a shock when he leaves home.

My Ds lives with me and he pays £500 a month to cover his share of the household expenses. Our set up is more like a house share, he is a working adult so I won’t be subsidising his life and he is to pay his way. His board covers all the regular food costs but if he wants something special or fancy drinks he buys them himself. If we have a takeaway, we either split the cost or take in turns to pay.